love scenes so bad they put you off sex altogether
You know something's not right when you're sitting at the edge of your seat screaming 'Don't. Don't kiss. Arrgh, no. Yuck.'
Still, many of these films are worth seeing, some are even amongst my favourite of all times. Just don't take a date along and do expect to cringe.
Still, many of these films are worth seeing, some are even amongst my favourite of all times. Just don't take a date along and do expect to cringe.
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- DirectorWoody AllenStarsRebecca HallScarlett JohanssonJavier BardemTwo friends on a summer holiday in Spain become enamored with the same painter, unaware that his ex-wife, with whom he has a tempestuous relationship, is about to re-enter the picture.Of the many inane love scenes in this film, two involve three (!) of the very few mainstream actors that I find sexy since pre-tango Marlon Brando. Pretty sexy, actually. Yet I find myself sitting at the edge of my cinema seat whispering 'Don't. Don't kiss. Arrgh, no. Yuck.' I adore Woody Allen, but he still has to prove he can write a proper love scene unaided by some crucial erotic prop, such as a ping pong tennis table. On the other hand, my own neurotic theory is that Woody didn't really write this film, he just signed the script handed to him by Penelope's agent.
- DirectorPatrice ChéreauStarsMark RylanceKerry FoxSusannah HarkerA failed London musician meets once a week with a woman for a series of intense sexual encounters to get away from the realities of life. But when he begins inquiring about her, it puts their relationship at risk.Never, ever wear tights if you're an unfaithful wife.
OK I do get it. This one is supposed to be odd, quirky, alternative, realistic in a real-life, in a European --if you like-- kind of way. Didn't work for me. It's sealed in my memory as the film that put me off love and the rest the longest. - DirectorJulio MedemStarsPaz VegaTristán UlloaNajwa NimriVarious lives converge on an isolated island, all connected by an author whose novel has become inextricably entwined with his own life.The striptease scene, oh my god. I was writhing with embarrassment at the sight of Paz Vega's stupid smile on her already less than interesting face. Then again, it's the kind of smile you'd put on if the script required you to strip down to your shoes, and they turned out to be climbing boots (!!?!). I'll never understand.
Thank god for the second storyline featuring the amazing Elena Anaya, as well as loads more imagination on the part of director Julio Medem. - DirectorManuel Gutiérrez AragónStarsÁngela MolinaMargarita LozanoFernando Fernán GómezRosa is an cantabrian woman who travel to Madrid after the Civil War. With the help of Don Pedro, a chief supplies, she opens a restaurant that transforms in a political and intelectual center.You might have missed this one if you're not Spanish, but in the peninsula the rice pudding scene went down in history as somewhat of a Marilyn-with-skirt-up milestone. This is another quirky one, and again I hate to hate it. Fernando Fernán-Gómez had one of the deepest voices in Spain's cinema / theatre scene and was undeniably adorable both on- and off-screen. More so as he grew older, grumpier, into the larger-than-life intellectual beast that he was later in life, round about the time he made this film.
In 'La mitad del cielo' Ángela Molina serves him a now famous rice pudding at a poorly lit dining table. It's late at night; the room is empty and quiet. As he devours her delicious home-made dessert he is breathing heavily, in deep concentration, on the verge of going into a trance. As he eats and breathes and growls, he is pushing the spoon about the bowl with such force that sweet Angela cannot but retreat like a scared animal into the dark threshold of the dining room door to watch him, hypnotised. - DirectorRoman PolanskiStarsHugh GrantKristin Scott ThomasEmmanuelle SeignerAfter hearing stories of her, a passenger on a cruise ship develops an irresistible infatuation with an eccentric paraplegic's wife.I can handle the piggy masks, the half-hearted s-m, the corny lesbian dance-floor flirt at the end of the film. But the scene where Emmanuelle Seigner dances a tarty dance of the seven veils... there I almost walked out of the cinema. Despite that one slip, which some critic described as Polanski forcing his own wet-dreams on the general public (the offender happened to be his brand new young wife), Bitter Moon remains one of my favourite films ever.
- DirectorPedro AlmodóvarStarsVictoria AbrilMarisa ParedesMiguel BoséA singer returns after 15 years abroad to perform in Madrid and finds her 27 y.o. daughter married to one of her mom's ex-lovers.You really don't see this one coming as you watch the film, so stop reading if you hate spoilers. Victoria Abril's character doesn't see the impending sex scene coming either, as her friend the supposedly gay transvestite hoists her up onto his exercise bar in the middle of what seemed like a bit of innocent girltalk and proceeds to give her the most unexpected session of oral sex I have ever seen in a film. It is absolutely hilarious. Abril didn't even have to do anything special: a grimace of amazement and shock at penetration was always the cornerstone of her acting technique (supported by a wonderfully expressive body, voice, gaze, etc.) And believe me, by the time she was in this film she had had ample opportunity to explore alternative styles. I can't help but think that Pedro created this one scene just to tease Abril and then went on to write the rest of the film around it, casting as the macho policeman/transvestite no one other than Miguel Bosé, the most notorious tongue-in-cheek closet-homosexual in Spain's pop music scene. We almost mourned his coming out so late in life, four years after the premiere of Tacones Lejanos, at the end of Gazon maudit, a French film starring, coincidentally, Victoria Abril.
Again, hilarious. Fantastic. Endearing. Thrilling. It never did anything for my libido, though. Except maybe in hindsight. Distant, very distant hindsight. - DirectorCarlos ReygadasStarsMarcos HernándezAnapola MushkadizBertha RuizMarcos lusts after his boss's promiscuous daughter, but after botching an extortion scheme, he becomes wracked with guilt.this one might not count because the whole idea of the film is to make you extremely queasy at the sight of very un-Hollywood bodies engaging in intercourse, even if you think you're genuinely fed up of watching perfect photoshopped models tumbling about on your screen.
- DirectorAdrian LyneStarsMickey RourkeKim BasingerMargaret WhittonA woman becomes involved with a man she barely knows. Complications develop during their sexual escapades.one thing leads to another. So yep. This is the film that will make you feel so genuinely fed up of watching perfect photoshopped bodies tumbling about on your screen that you'll think you can cope with Batalla en el cielo (see above).
- DirectorJohn Cameron MitchellStarsSook-Yin LeePeter SticklesPJ DeBoyA group of New Yorkers caught up in their romantic-sexual milieu converge at an underground salon infamous for its blend of art, music, politics, and carnality.This is a sex comedy so it's perfectly legitimate for the bed scenes to have unusual effects on the viewer. Still, be warned, don't even dream of taking anyone out to see this film on a first date. Unless you want to be just good friends forever. hint hint nudge nudge.
- DirectorVirginie DespentesCoralie Trinh ThiStarsRaffaëla AndersonKaren LancaumeCéline BeugnotTwo young women, marginalised by society, go on a destructive tour of sex and violence. Breaking norms and killing men - and shattering the complacency of polite cinema audiences.the kind of film you use to punish the macho jerk who thinks he has seen it all, done it all, has only one bodily response at the sight of female nudity and brags about you and 'all the other chicks' to his friends, making you suspect that maybe, just maybe, he's taking you for granted.
I of course miscalculated and punished someone else instead. Err, am I still talking film here or pouring my own heart out?
No, really, men tend to feel pretty uneasy about this film. Which is, again, perfectly legitimate for a politically combative feminist bit of plorn. - DirectorTony ScottStarsCatherine DeneuveDavid BowieSusan SarandonA love triangle develops between a beautiful yet dangerous vampire (Catherine Deneuve), her cellist companion (David Bowie), and a gerontologist (Susan Sarandon).In the context of the general triteness that dominates this film, and that actually makes it work pretty well, this very trite lesbian kiss feels like a disappointment. I love you both, Susan Sarandon, Catherine Deneuve (especially you, Deneuve in your forties, when you reached your peak). But one cannot help wondering, is this the woman who tangoed with her own daughter in Indochine (1992) and was so jawdroppingly sensual she made even my poor non-lesbian knees go weak?
- DirectorLarry ClarkStarsLeo FitzpatrickJustin PierceChloë SevignyA day in the life of a group of teens as they travel around New York City skating, drinking, smoking and deflowering virgins.You don't watch this film for the bed scenes. No, really, no matter what.
- DirectorLuis BuñuelStarsFernando ReyCarole BouquetÁngela MolinaRecounted in flashback are the romantic perils of Mathieu, a middle-aged French sophisticate as he falls for his nineteen-year-old former chambermaid Conchita.the title is as sexy as titles get: this obscure object of desire. Shame none of it spilled over into the actual film. No wonder Isabelle Adjani and Maria Schneider, not listed in the top 10 most prudish actresses, walked out on the genius that was Buñuel. Tragically, this turned out to be his very last film. Sad way to go.
- DirectorHarmony KorineStarsRachel KorineBrian KotzurTravis NicholsonFollows the lives of a small group of sociopathic elderly people in Nashville, Tennessee.Now here's an obscure object of desire if you're really looking for one. Pretty sexy for a film about garbage cans, if that's what it is.
- DirectorAlfonso CuarónStarsJulianne MooreClive OwenChiwetel EjioforIn 2027, in a chaotic world in which women have somehow become infertile, a former activist agrees to help transport a miraculously pregnant woman to a sanctuary at sea.Say you're Alfonso Cuarón and you and your team have written the best possible dialogues for two fantastic PD James characters. Two passionate individuals who share a turbulent past, an engaging present, battles that they can fight together just like they did long ago. Characters who clearly have unfinished business to take care of as soon as they can take a break from saving the world. Add to that some fantastic camerawork, stunning locations, carefully studied lighting and perfect wardrobe and make-up, the kind that can get anyone to look just a little edgier, tougher, sexier, as if these people even needed it. What made Clive Owen and Julianne Moore throw all that away? Or is it the way their scenes are filmed? Did the shooting happen under such intense time pressure that they were only thinking of their flight schedules, the arguments with their lawyers about the Oscar ceremony suits, the royalties Universal Pictures might keep from their hard work, as they said their lines? Can someone please explain?
- DirectorMiranda JulyStarsJohn HawkesMiranda JulyMiles ThompsonA lonely shoe salesman and an eccentric performance artist struggle to connect in this unique take on contemporary life.As a counterpart to Baise-moi (see above), this is the film to punish any girl who thinks she's seen it all, done it all, and is looking forward to the 'next step up' in her erotic life. Those who've seen it already will know that I'm talking about the cyberchat scene, where an emancipated, bed-savvy woman is trying to engineer her next affair. I won't say more, I would hate to spoil it and I'm guessing here you're the type of light-hearted masochist who just loves to cringe.