Less than good movies
These are the movies that failed mildly or strongly to be enjoyable. Some of them, I'll admit I haven't seen the whole, but only because they failed to grip me in any way.
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- DirectorMichael MannStarsColin FarrellJamie FoxxGong LiBased on the 1980s TV action/drama, this update focuses on vice detectives Crockett and Tubbs as their respective personal and professional lives become dangerously intertwined.Barely understood anything that was going on. The two main characters are like stoic aliens.
- DirectorWilliam MonahanStarsColin FarrellKeira KnightleyRay WinstoneAn ex-con with a reputation tries to go straight by working as a handy man for a reclusive actress but this is unfortunately not the wish of London's underground crime lord.A lame rip off of Carlito's way.
- DirectorBill CondonStarsKristen StewartRobert PattinsonTaylor LautnerThe Quileutes close in on expecting parents Edward and Bella, whose unborn child poses a threat to the Wolf Pack and the towns people of Forks.Its tragic the way kids are worshiping this kind of crap, that's just sexist, wierd and without real depth or emotion.
- DirectorJames TobackStarsBen StillerAllan HoustonClaudia SchifferA group of white high school teens become involved with Harlem's black hip-hop crowd.Its just simply a mix of stories that don't make any sense.
- DirectorNeil JordanStarsColin FarrellAlicja BachledaDervla KirwanAn Irish fisherman discovers a woman in his fishing net whom his precocious daughter believes to be a selkie.It started off good, but then it became a very disappointing ending.
- DirectorJan de BontStarsHelen HuntBill PaxtonCary ElwesTwo storm chasers on the brink of divorce must work together to create an advanced weather alert system by putting themselves in the cross-hairs of extremely violent tornadoes.Same as above. Everything was perfect, the characters, the beautiful music, special effects... and then came the last thirty minutes and it was a total clichéd wreck.
- DirectorSteven SoderberghStarsGeorge ClooneyBrad PittMatt DamonDanny Ocean rounds up the boys for a third heist after casino owner Willy Bank double-crosses one of the original eleven, Reuben Tishkoff.The only film I regretted going to the cinema to.
- DirectorUlu GrosbardStarsRobert De NiroMeryl StreepHarvey KeitelAlthough they live married lives, two strangers keep running into each other, starting a friendship that could blossom into so much more.Robert De Niro, Meryl Streep and Harvey Keitel. The names might be exiting, but the film has absolutely nothing. Nothing at all.
- DirectorAnnabel JankelRocky MortonStarsBob HoskinsJohn LeguizamoDennis HopperTwo Brooklyn plumbers, Mario and Luigi, must travel to another dimension to rescue a princess from the evil dictator King Koopa and stop him from taking over the world.Annoying, clichéd and terrible. A total mess.
- DirectorDavid CronenbergStarsJames SpaderHolly HunterElias KoteasAfter getting into a serious car accident, a TV director discovers an underground sub-culture of scarred, omnisexual car-crash victims who use car accidents and the raw sexual energy they produce to try to rejuvenate his sex life with his wife.Sex and violence is a really distasteful combination. You get turned on by the nudity, but it's total turn off when you see the violence and the car crashes.
- DirectorJan de BontStarsLiam NeesonCatherine Zeta-JonesOwen WilsonDr Marrow enlists Theo, Luke and Nell for a study of sleep disorders at the Hill House. As soon as the terrifying truth about the mansion is revealed, everyone is found fighting for their lives.Way too fantastical. I don't have a problem with haunted houses stories, it started off just fine, with great characters, but it ultimately became disappointing.
- DirectorGus Van SantStarsMichael PittLukas HaasAsia ArgentoA Seattle musician's life and career are reminiscent of those of Kurt Cobain.If after more than thirty minutes the story doesn't get interesting, means it certainly isn't worth wasting time for. I wish they would do a good and accurate portrayal of Cobain instead of just fishing for imagination.
- DirectorStuart BairdStarsTommy Lee JonesWesley SnipesRobert Downey Jr.U.S. Marshal Samuel Gerard and his team of Marshals are assigned to track down Sheridan, who has been accused of a double-murder.Failed to set off any interesting pay off at the end.
- DirectorTinto BrassStarsMalcolm McDowellPeter O'TooleHelen MirrenA dramatization of the ascent to Caesar and subsequent reign of Caligula, one of the most notorious leaders of ancient Rome. We see his ambition, his scheming, his perversion and decadence, his brutality and his lunacy.The script is a mess, and the nudity is gratuious. After 40 minutes, I couldn't take any more.
- DirectorTerry JonesStarsJohn CleeseTerry GilliamEric IdleThe comedy team takes a look at life in all of its stages in their own uniquely silly way.Not really the best of the Pythons, just alot of stories muddled up, like the original series, but without really hilarious moments. Doesn't include a basic storyline like the last two movies.
- DirectorJules BassArthur Rankin Jr.StarsJeff BridgesMia FarrowAngela LansburyA beautiful unicorn sets out to learn if she truly is the last of her kind in this sparkling animated musical.I'd like it more if it wasn't so fantastical, or badly animated. I liked the casting of Mia Farrow in the title role, though.
- DirectorDavid FincherStarsJesse EisenbergAndrew GarfieldJustin TimberlakeAs Harvard student Mark Zuckerberg creates the social networking site that would become known as Facebook, he is sued by the twins who claimed he stole their idea and by the co-founder who was later squeezed out of the business.Incredibly boring. I was so glad it didn't win big at the Oscars.
- DirectorJon AvnetStarsAl PacinoAlicia WittBen McKenzieOn the day that a serial killer that he helped put away is supposed to be executed, a noted forensic psychologist and college professor receives a call informing him that he has 88 minutes left to live.If this didn't star Al Pacino, it would be another cheap, crappy direct to video film. Pacino really doesn't fit something as mediorcre as this.
- DirectorKevin DowlingStarsDanny AielloAnne ArcherMichael BiehnSexy, young Ellie picks up Al, 53, in a diner in LA to get a ride to her mom in the Mojave desert. Ellie leaves Al there with the pretty mom, her crazy, violent boyfriend and a body in his car trunk.The only thing that's good about this movie is seeing Angelina Jolie young, beautiful, wild and nude. The rest of it is one of the worst wastes of time ever.
- DirectorJon AvnetStarsRobert De NiroAl PacinoCarla GuginoTwo veteran New York City detectives work on a case of serial executions of criminals who escaped justice.There WERE pretty high expectations with this movie, considering the last movie De Niro and Pacino starred in was the ever brilliant Heat.
Let's just say the gong didn't sound loud enough on this one. Too bad. - DirectorDavid AnspaughStarsMira SorvinoMariah CareyMelora WaltersA new waitress working at an Italian restaurant in New York City finds herself entangled in a mob-run underworld of drug dealing and murder.I'm not sure if I was put off by the horrifying violence, or because Mariah Carey was actually better than Oscar winner Mira Sorvino.
- DirectorSteven SoderberghStarsChanning TatumAlex PettyferOlivia MunnA male stripper teaches a younger performer how to party, pick up women, and make easy money.I had a better time watching paint dry.
- DirectorWill FinnJohn SanfordStarsJudi DenchCuba Gooding Jr.Jennifer TillyTo save their farm, the resident animals go bounty hunting for a notorious outlaw.Squeemish, and not in a way horror movies make me. It hardly looks like Disney at all.
- DirectorBarry SonnenfeldStarsTommy Lee JonesWill SmithRip TornAgent J is sent to find Agent K and restore his memory after the re-appearance of a case from K's past.The dialogue is silly, the plot is weak, the villain is not threatening and the whole thing is plain unnecessary. Better to just forget this one and see the third.
- DirectorTim BurtonStarsMichael KeatonDanny DeVitoMichelle PfeifferWhile Batman deals with a deformed man calling himself the Penguin wreaking havoc across Gotham with the help of a cruel businessman, a female employee of the latter becomes the Catwoman with her own vendetta.Compared to the previous movie with the Joker, the villains in the movie are quite below average.
- DirectorJoel SchumacherStarsVal KilmerTommy Lee JonesJim CarreyBatman must battle former district attorney Harvey Dent, who is now Two-Face and Edward Nygma, The Riddler with help from an amorous psychologist and a young circus acrobat who becomes his sidekick, Robin.Unfortunantly, the example of the Penguin and Catwoman being played over the top in Batman Returns, it transformed every character in this movie into over the top, silly and underdevelloped versions of the Batman characters, and makes the whole experience cringe-worthy. Despite this, it made money, and sadly the director green lighted the biggest Batman insult ever: Batman and Robin.
- DirectorGus Van SantStarsVince VaughnAnne HecheJulianne MooreA young female embezzler arrives at the Bates Motel, which has terrible secrets of its own.What's the point of remaking something when you've got a perfectly good film right there in front of you?
- DirectorJohn LeguizamoStarsJohn LeguizamoClifton Collins Jr.Adrian MartinezA boxer must navigate a path between his newfound fame and his former life.Boring, disappointing and pointless. Just really not well done at all.
- DirectorAdam ShankmanStarsJulianne HoughDiego BonetaTom CruiseA small-town girl and a city boy meet on the Sunset Strip while pursuing their Hollywood dreams.Compared to the stage version, this was largely disappointing. Except for Tom Cruise, the rest of the movie was cheesy as hell and just not well paced.
- DirectorAllan MoyleStarsFlex AlexanderEugene ClarkAmy SloanChronicles the rise and fall of pop king Michael Jackson.There is absolutely not one entertaining, good or even mildly amusing thing about this film. It's a blatant, cheesy and vicious insult to the king of pop; just basically another bad picture of him like so many critics and journalists have painted him.
- DirectorRob MarshallStarsDaniel Day-LewisMarion CotillardPenélope CruzFamous film director Guido Contini struggles to find harmony in his professional and personal lives, as he engages in dramatic relationships with his wife, his mistress, his muse, his agent, and his mother.Once again, great acting, great musical numbers and a great cast - and then comes the ending and I was like "What the hell happened?" It really spoiled the whole film for me, which is a shame.
- DirectorRob CohenStarsBrendan FraserJet LiMaria BelloIn the Far East, Alex O'Connell, the son of famed mummy fighters Rick and Evy O'Connell, unearths the mummy of the first Emperor of Qin -- a shape-shifting entity cursed by a witch centuries ago.Several reasons why this film does not work like the other Mummy films:
1: The replacement of Rachel Weiz with Maria Bello
2: The absence of Imotehp and Ardeth
3: Alex had an English accent in the second Mummy and in this one, he has an American one.
4: The Mummy in this one isn't half as threatening.
5: The plot is dull and without the great action from the first two movies.
6: The script is weak.
7: There is no originality to it.
8: Stephan Sommers is replaced by Rob Cohen as the director. - DirectorIsabelle MergaultStarsMichel BlancMedeea MarinescuWladimir YordanoffWhen farmer Aymé Pigrenet loses his wife, he is not exactly overwhelmed by sorrow, rather by the sheer amount of work that suddenly falls on his shoulders. In quest of a new spouse, he goes to Romania where he meets Elena.Anyone who thinks this movie is good is kidding themselves.
- DirectorBrady KiernanStarsSam RosenZoe Lister-JonesMichael ImperioliFormer high school classmates reunite by chance during a chaotic party-filled evening.When the two known stars in the film, Josh Hartnett and Michael Imperioli are reduced to minor roles and two completely unknown actors are promoted to the lead couple in the in the film, you know something is wrong from the start. And literally nothing happens in the movie. A complete waste of time.
- DirectorSteve ShillStarsBeyoncéIdris ElbaAli LarterA successful executive's seemingly perfect career and marriage starts falling apart when his firm hires a seductive office temp.It's just quite simply a very bad remake of Fatal Attraction. Nuff said.
- DirectorPatrice LeconteStarsJosiane BalaskoLuis RegoMarie-Anne ChazelHolidaymakers arriving in a Club Med camp on the Ivory Coast are determined to forget their everyday problems and emotional disappointments. Games, competitions, outings, bathing and sunburn accompany a continual succession of casual affairs.Although it has its moments, Les Bronzés is also blatantly sexist and racist in its content, and the characters are fuzzy in their morals and sympathies.
All of this vanishes in the second one, though. - DirectorJim GillespieStarsJennifer Love HewittSarah Michelle GellarAnne HecheFour young friends bound by a tragic accident are reunited when they find themselves being stalked by a hook-wielding maniac in their small seaside town.Copying Scream and trying to be cool does not cut it for this one. It features so many of the horror clichés it's hard to count.
The worst one is when Helen, after running all across town after seeing her sister killed and getting traced by the killer finally comes to a safe place, the 4th of July carnival. But merely seconds before she is in the safe hands of the carnival parade goers, she hears a noise. And what does she do? She goes BACK to check it out, and is inevitably gutted to death by the killer. Seriously beyond stupid. - DirectorDanny CannonStarsJennifer Love HewittFreddie Prinze Jr.Brandy NorwoodThe murderous fisherman with a hook is back to once again stalk the two surviving teens, Julie and Ray, who had left him for dead, as well as cause even more murder and mayhem, this time at a posh island resort.Uhhmmm did any of these people attend school, or have a brain for that matter? How freaking easy is it to pick up a book or go on the internet and READ to check if the answer to the radio question, the capital of Brazil is Rio or not?
If you thought the previous film was stupid then this one is is the king of them all. - DirectorDon BluthGary GoldmanStarsMartin ShortJim BelushiAnnie GoldenHubie (Martin Short) must present his special pebble to Marina (Annie Golden) before the pebble festival is over, or lose his chance forever.Despite the perfect mix of Don Bluth with Tim Curry, the story line and the characters are so weak, it just becomes pathetic and annoying after a while.
- DirectorDictynna HoodStarsClaire FoyBenedict CumberbatchShaun EvansDawn and Dave get an old house near Dave's childhood village to start a family there. Dave's brother pops up after years in the Army. Secrets are slowly revealed.Brilliant performances, but it's a real shame the movie wasn't more entertaining. It could have been more intense with more interesting events happening, and then it would have been brilliant.
- DirectorSteve TrenbirthStarsJohn GoodmanHaley Joel OsmentTony JayMowgli, missing the jungle and his old friends, runs away from the man village unaware of the danger he's in by going back to the wild.Definitely one of the most pointless sequels ever, and even if it wasn't a sequel, it would have still been horrendously bad.
- DirectorKatherine BrooksStarsErin KellyDiane GaidryLaura BreckenridgeThe intelligent Annabelle starts in an elite Catholic girls' boarding high school after being expelled from the previous 2 schools. She's open about being lesbian. She's attracted to her teacher, Simone.Very wrong in a lot of ways, boring, predictable, and cringe-worthy.
- DirectorCheryl DunyeStarsEddie GriffinAnthony AndersonMichael ImperioliA trio of young men (Griffin, Anderson, and Imperioli) are forced to grow up quick when their girlfriends all become pregnant around the same time.Decidedly unfunny, full of racist and sexist stereotypes, stupid writing and painfully annoying at the same time. A lot of wasted talent here.
- DirectorBarry LevinsonStarsBen StillerJack BlackRachel WeiszA man becomes increasingly jealous of his friend's newfound success.Messy and all over the place. Apart from Chris Walken (who is actually funny in any film, bad or good), the script is so full of plot holes, over the top situations and unrealistic scenarios.
First, why didn't Nick share the money he made with his invention with Tim? And why wasn't there any testing done to see if the Vapoorize was harmful? And why on earth did people want to know where the turds went after the product made them disappear? - DirectorCrispian MillsChris HopewellStarsSimon PeggPaul FreemanAmara KaranA crime novelist whose research on Victorian serial killers has turned him into a paranoid wreck must confront his worst fears when a film executive takes a sudden interest in his movie script.There are many ways for a film to open and grab the audience's attention, mildly or spontaneously. This is the perfect example of how NOT to do it. I got bored after three minutes and switched off.
- DirectorSteve BendelackStarsHarry HillJulie WaltersJohnny VegasWhen he thinks his hamster Abu (Johnny Vegas) has just a week to live, Harry Hill (Harry Hill) and his Nan (Dame Julie Walters) take the hamster to Blackpool. However, Harry's twin Otto (Matt Lucas) wants to kidnap Abu, and sends Ed (Simon Bird) and Kisko (Guillaume Delauney) to pursue them.Made me want to tear my eyes out with a spoon. Every second of that film felt like an insult to whoever watched it.
- DirectorBen KellettStarsBrendan O'CarrollDermot O'NeillEilish O'CarrollA company tries to shut down Mrs Brown's fruit and veg stall. They can feck off.*Sigh* I love the series and the trailer had such promise, but sadly, despite a few laughs, this did not deliver as a "movie" of the great Mrs Brown's Boys. They could have done so much to make it better, but didn't.
- DirectorTim BurtonStarsMark WahlbergHelena Bonham CarterTim RothIn 2029, an Air Force astronaut crash-lands on a mysterious planet where evolved, talking apes dominate a race of primitive humans.Pretty damn good film ... if you remember to switch off right before the end. What a mistake that was!
- DirectorSteven SpielbergStarsHarrison FordKate CapshawKe Huy QuanIn 1935, Indiana Jones is tasked by Indian villagers with reclaiming a rock stolen from them by a secret cult beneath the catacombs of an ancient palace.Very very weak film. Doesn't feel like an Indiana Jones movie at all. And that annoying screaming bitch Kate Capshaw played. Ugh! Why didn't Indy just shoot her and be done with it?
- DirectorTodd PhillipsStarsRobert Downey Jr.Zach GalifianakisMichelle MonaghanHigh-strung father-to-be Peter Highman is forced to hitch a ride with aspiring actor Ethan Tremblay on a road trip in order to make it to his child's birth on time.Perhaps apart from the masturbating dog and a couple of laughs, there is nothing new, warm or deep about this movie, especially when you compare it to Planes Trains and Automobiles.
- DirectorMel GibsonStarsMel GibsonSophie MarceauPatrick McGoohanScottish warrior William Wallace leads his countrymen in a rebellion to free his homeland from the tyranny of King Edward I of England.To think that one of the most historically inaccurate and offensive movies won over the Shawshank Redemption at the Oscars, and giving the main honour to *beep* Mel Gibson; it just really upsets me.
- DirectorRobert AltmanStarsTim RothPaul RhysAdrian BrineThe familiar tragic story of Vincent van Gogh is broadened by focusing as well on his brother Theodore, who helped support Vincent. The movie also provides a nice view of the locations which Vincent painted.This film really doesn't do justice to Vincent Van Gogh's legacy. There's no tenderness between anyone in the film, no actual meaningful conversations, just seething, outbursts and crises.
- DirectorChris ColumbusStarsAdam SandlerKevin JamesMichelle MonaghanWhen aliens misinterpret video feeds of classic arcade games as a declaration of war, they attack the Earth in the form of the video games.Well I was very disappointed with this. I tried giving it the benefit of the doubt, but the script is the same old clichéd nonsense you see in every other movie. The girls are only there for the romantic interest, and the heroes are excused for the douchebagery towards them. Not only sexist, but lazy writing to boot.
- DirectorChloé ZhaoStarsGemma ChanRichard MaddenAngelina JolieThe saga of the Eternals, a race of immortal beings who lived on Earth and shaped its history and civilizations.