The Worst Movies I've Ever Seen
Ok, so the main question is how do I decide if a film qualifies for this list...well, all low budget films, films that are supposed to be schlock, do not feature any recognizable talent, and films that were not hyped to be the next great thing do not qualify for this list. I also have to have watched the entire film, no walkouts or I turned it off 30 minutes in. These films feature A-List talent, big name directors, and were well funded and well advertised...and they were terrible. We've got a lot of big names here --Coppola, Friedkin, De Palma, Scott, Hanson, Kazan on the directors side and Pacino, Fassbender, Williams on the actors side-- and more to come as I expand this list.
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- DirectorRidley ScottStarsNoomi RapaceLogan Marshall-GreenMichael FassbenderFollowing clues to the origin of mankind, a team finds a structure on a distant moon, but they soon realize they are not alone.Ok, this is it. The mother of all horrible films...it tops my list because it is a film so loaded with talented people, was wonderfully promoted, features the ballyhooed return of a great director to a genre where his first two efforts were classics...and it is a horrible film in almost every way. I mean you really could not even try to make a film this bad and end up making a film this bad. My god, the stench coming off this giant turd will take days, maybe months to wash out of your clothes and hair. If you are one of the lucky people that have never seen this do yourself a huge favor and avoid this for the rest of your life.
- DirectorBrian De PalmaStarsAl PacinoMichelle PfeifferSteven BauerIn 1980 Miami, a determined Cuban immigrant takes over a drug cartel and succumbs to greed.Yes, this one is much loved by many people. It also is directed by another director I really like, stars an actor I think is fantastic, and really should be a decent film. Turns out this is De Palma's worst film and somehow ends up looking and feeling much of the time like a daytime soap opera with loads of violence, foul language, and ridiculous over acting thrown in to make you laugh your rear end off. Pacino is so bad in this film I would have to call this the single worst performance of any actor anywhere at any time...holy cow does he stink in this. The big surprise is the rest of the cast seems to be trying to sink lower then him. Performances have a wonderful range of wooden, silly, goofy, and what the hell am I doing here. Rarely do I feel embarrassed for an actor when I watch a film but I just cringed watching Pacino in this. This guy was great all through the previous decade giving some amazing performances and here he comes across as a guy that has no idea how to create a character. Truly an awful film.
- DirectorTony ScottStarsTom CruiseTim RobbinsKelly McGillisAs students at the United States Navy's elite fighter weapons school compete to be best in the class, one daring young pilot learns a few things from a civilian instructor that are not taught in the classroom.The nicknames in this film are enough to make you burst out laughing but those may be the least of the issues here. Sure, this film may be about a lot of things that are basically kept as subtext but really this is a love story about Charlie losing Maverick to Iceman.
- DirectorWilliam FriedkinStarsJenny SeagroveDwier BrownCarey LowellA young couple with a newborn baby don't realize that the nanny they hired is a magical nymph who sacrifices infants to an evil tree.You know William Friedkin, he directed The Exorcist. Well, here is another great director returning years later to a genre where his earlier entry is considered a classic and like Ridley Scott on Prometheus he seems to have entirely forgotten what made his previous work so wonderful. This one is hard to find these days but really...there's good reason for this to have gone missing.
- DirectorCurtis HansonStarsAnnabella SciorraRebecca De MornayMatt McCoyAfter her sex offender husband gets caught in the act and kills himself, an embittered pregnant widow loses her child, and embarks on a mission of vengeance against one of her husband's victims and the woman's family.I think Curtis Hanson has made two really great films, Wonder Boys and L.A. Confidential...really these to me are just examples of fantastic filmmaking. Earlier in his career he made this waste of time. If you are a young mother this film might actually bother you until you realize how horribly stupid it is.
- DirectorBarry SonnenfeldStarsWill SmithKevin KlineKenneth BranaghThe two best special agents in the Wild West must save President Grant from the clutches of a diabolical, wheelchair-bound, steampunk-savvy, Confederate scientist bent on revenge for losing the Civil War.There may have been more ridiculous decisions made bringing this to the big screen than any other film and what a mess the result is. The cast, all good actors, are set completely adrift in this mayhem and seem to be devoured by the film.
- DirectorElia KazanStarsGregory PeckDorothy McGuireJohn GarfieldA reporter pretends to be Jewish in order to cover a story on anti-Semitism, and personally discovers the true depths of bigotry and hatred.An interesting idea, a reporter going undercover confronting antisemitism, executed in the most ham-fisted way possible. The film is obviously a product of its time but if you can get through this without rolling your eyes every few minutes I'd say that's pretty close to a miracle.
- DirectorPaul HaggisStarsDon CheadleSandra BullockThandiwe NewtonLos Angeles citizens with vastly separate lives collide in interweaving stories of race, loss and redemption....and burn. That pretty much sums up this pathetic Hollywood take on racism. Ridiculous characters and dialogue plague a good cast and nobody escapes unscathed. Just a bad film about a subject that deserves a good one.
- DirectorFrancis Ford CoppolaStarsRobin WilliamsDiane LaneBrian KerwinBecause of an unusual disorder that has aged him four times faster than a typical human being, a boy looks like a 40-year-old man as he starts fifth grade at public school after being homeschooled.Remember The Godfather and The Godfather Part 2? Remember Apocalypse Now and The Conversation? Ok, now the same guy that made those films...well...he made this too. Granted this was a director for hire bit but I think this is one Francis could have turned down.
- DirectorRoland EmmerichStarsJohn CusackThandiwe NewtonChiwetel EjioforA frustrated writer struggles to keep his family alive when a series of global catastrophes threatens to annihilate mankind.Just a ridiculous film from beginning to end but one good part about this film is that 2012 passed quietly and so perhaps this film will disappear into the mists of time like all those dumb shows about the Mayan calender predicting the end of the world.
- DirectorKevin CostnerStarsKevin CostnerWill PattonLarenz TateA nameless drifter dons a postman's uniform and bag of mail as he begins a quest to inspire hope to the survivors living in post-apocalyptic America.Let's keep this one simple...this film does not deliver.
- DirectorKevin ReynoldsStarsKevin CostnerJeanne TripplehornDennis HopperIn a future where the polar ice-caps have melted and Earth is almost entirely submerged, a mutated mariner fights starvation and outlaw "smokers," and reluctantly helps a woman and a young girl try to find dry land.Seriously, who thought this was a good idea?