Truly bad cinema
My list of movies that go below and beyond the usual stinky films, listed in no particular order. If you see a film that should be here (or you see a film that SHOULDN'T be on it), you are welcome to create a similar list of your own non-favorites.
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- DirectorMike NewellStarsCharlton HestonSusannah YorkJill TownsendAn archeologist discovers his daughter is possessed by the spirit of an Egyptian queen. To save mankind he must destroy her.Call it "Indiana Jones Meets Linda Blair". Charles Heston is an archeologist whose digging in Egypt unleashes the spirit of a dead queen. She finds a body to inhabit, and guess who it is? It's Chuck's daughter, played by Stephanie Zimbalist, who seduces her father. It's not even THAT good. And, no, Linda isn't in it, though her spirit is.
- DirectorGary GraverStarsBritt EklandJohn Phillip LawWilliam SmithEx-soldiers on a yachting trip run into the ghosts of victims of a massacre.A newlywed couple, along with the husband's former 'Nam buddies and their girlfriends, are on vacation, but one of them is psycho-nutzo. What did it for me was the scene in the pool where John Phillip Law is wrestling with- well, you'll just have to see it.
- DirectorCharles JarrottStarsPeter FinchLiv UllmannSally KellermanWhile escaping war-torn China, a group of Europeans crash in the Himalayas, where they are rescued and taken to the mysterious Valley of the Blue Moon, Shangri-La.Columbia sank a lot of dough into this film, but not for a first-rate cast. Liv Ullmann, Peter Finch, and Michael York head the list, which is filled with mostly non-singing actors, who show off their lack of talent by warbling the funniest songs ever composed by Bacharach and David. PS This is not a comedy- not intentionally, anyway.
- DirectorPeter BogdanovichStarsBurt ReynoldsCybill ShepherdMadeline KahnFour socialite old friends unexpectedly clash, and switch partners during a party and attempt to make each other jealous.Madeline Kahn sings well, but the rest of the cast doesn't, though that doesn't keep them from trying. Sometimes bad movies can be endearing, at least through sheer earnestness. Not here. This is the movie Peter Bogdanovich apologized for making in one of the Tinseltown trade papers.
- DirectorLawrence David FoldesStarsLinda BlairJames Van PattenRichard LynchCarla is devastated when her friend is kidnapped by a Mexican cartel. After going to her father, a U.S. Senator, she gets her friends, and arms, to cross the border for a rescue mission.Linda Blair IS in this one. It features Linda and her pals going to a Latin America country to rescue a friend who has been kidnapped. Sounds innocuous, right? Well, it is, but it's also badly directed, badly written, and badly acted. So it's no accident that it went straight to video. It's worth a look if there's nothing good on the networks, which is most of the time.
- DirectorFranco ZeffirelliStarsBrooke ShieldsMartin HewittShirley KnightParental disapproval of a passionate romance between two teenagers leads to arguments, circumstance, insanity and tragedy.Brooke Shields shows her ability to not act in this howler of a melodrama. Her loving, caring family turns away her boyfriend, so he sets their house on fire. That might have worked- might- if only the cast had a decent script to work with. They don't.
- DirectorDon MedfordStarsOliver ReedCandice BergenGene HackmanA ruthless rancher and his gang use extremely long range rifles to kill the men who kidnapped his infidel wife.Bad guy Oliver Reed kidnaps Candice Bergen, wife of cattle baron Gene Hackman. A chase ensues. It's gory, like a Peckinpah film, and it was filmed in Spain, like a Sergio Leone film. Other than that, it's its own miserable western. Movies like this are what made Hackman so happy to win an Oscar, so he wouldn't have to be in dreck like this.
- DirectorAndrew L. StoneStarsFlorence HendersonToralv MaurstadChristina SchollinBased on the life of Norway's greatest composer Edvard Grieg, and filmed in Norway where he lived. The soundtrack is all Edvard Grieg's music with added lyrics.It's hard to criticize a movie that is filmed in Norway. So at least there are points for the location. And the music of Grieg is adapted by the same guys who wrote musical "Kismet". But that's where the separation begins, between Grieg and all the rest. The script is corny, and the mostly foreign cast are unable to bring it to life. Ditto the songs. It's worth a look, if only for the scenery. Oh, yeah, Florence Henderson plays Grieg's sweetheart, but she's no Julie Andrews.
- DirectorMichael CiminoStarsKris KristoffersonChristopher WalkenJohn HurtDuring the Johnson County War in 1890 Wyoming, a sheriff born into wealth does his best to protect immigrant farmers from rich cattle interests.It's all they say it isn't, and more. It's the ultra-big budget film that tanked. Forget "John Carter" and "Cleopatra". They at least broke even. The whole thing is a mess. The actors try their best to make it work, but are undercut at every turn by director Michael Cimino. It's badly edited, which only adds to the confusion, especially when the shooting begins. Only the musical score is a plus. The biggest piece of evidence that denotes this film's lack of value- the French audiences gave it a standing ovation.