Proof Hollywood Makes Crap These Days
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- DirectorElizabeth BanksSteven BrillSteve CarrStarsEmma StoneStephen MerchantRichard GereA series of interconnected short films follows a washed-up producer as he pitches insane story lines featuring some of the biggest stars in Hollywood.One of the best casts ever are extremely wasted in this steaming pile of *beep* that even Ed Wood himself wouldn't even like.
- DirectorSteven SpielbergStarsHarrison FordCate BlanchettShia LaBeoufIndiana Jones becomes entangled in a Soviet plot to uncover the secret behind mysterious artifacts known as the Crystal Skulls.I didn't hate the movie but it proves that even greats like Spielberg and Lucas are short on imagination these days.
- DirectorGeorge LucasStarsEwan McGregorLiam NeesonNatalie PortmanTwo Jedi escape a hostile blockade to find allies and come across a young boy who may bring balance to the Force, but the long dormant Sith resurface to claim their original glory.A long time ago in a galaxy far away, George Lucas cared more about story and characters than he did CGI.
- DirectorSam RaimiStarsTobey MaguireKirsten DunstTopher GraceA strange black entity from another world bonds with Peter Parker and causes inner turmoil as he contends with new villains, temptations, and revenge.It's funny how James Franco says he just wasn't impressed by the Amazing Spider-Man, well that film is so much better than this big mess.
Yep, Amazing Spider-Man could have used the Lizard having convenient memory loss and hanging out with Peter until he remembers "wtf, I'm mad at him, why are we hanging-out?!?!!" - DirectorLen WisemanStarsColin FarrellBokeem WoodbineBryan CranstonA factory worker, Douglas Quaid, begins to suspect that he is a spy after visiting Rekall - a company that provides its clients with implanted fake memories of a life they would like to have led - goes wrong and he finds himself on the run.Despite non-stop action, it's unnecessary and dull.
- DirectorDan BradleyStarsChris HemsworthIsabel LucasJosh HutchersonA group of teenagers look to save their town from an invasion of North Korean soldiers.Young up and coming actors looking dopey and despressed because....they are in this uninspired and unnecessary remake. How can a remake feel uninspired? Just watch this movie to find out.
- DirectorMichael BayStarsShia LaBeoufMegan FoxJosh DuhamelSam Witwicky leaves the Autobots behind for a normal life. But when his mind is filled with cryptic symbols, the Decepticons target him and he is dragged back into the Transformers' war.I loved the first movie but this one is short on originality and seems to only exist so Bay can blow more stuff up.
- DirectorRaja GosnellStarsHank AzariaKaty PerryJonathan WintersWhen the evil wizard Gargamel chases the tiny blue Smurfs out of their village, they tumble from their magical world into New York City.As a fan of the show, I saw potential in this until I found out 1. It was from the director of Scooby Doo and 2. It takes place in NYC.
- DirectorPeter BergStarsAlexander SkarsgårdBrooklyn DeckerLiam NeesonA fleet of ships is forced to do battle with an armada of unknown origins in order to discover and thwart their destructive goals.Hollywood got bored with just remaking films, it's time to make movies based on board games. Coming soon, Ang Lee's the Game of Life.
- DirectorJohn MooreStarsBruce WillisJai CourtneySebastian KochJohn McClane travels to Russia to help out his seemingly wayward son, Jack, only to discover that Jack is a CIA operative working undercover, causing the father and son to team up against underworld forces.A good day to hire any bad director to do a Die Hard film and then rush it into theaters. "Yippi Ki Yay Motha Russia!", I can't think of a worse catch phrase or a worse idea for a movie.
- DirectorBrett RatnerStarsPatrick StewartHugh JackmanHalle BerryThe human government develops a cure for mutations, and Jean Grey becomes a darker uncontrollable persona called the Phoenix who allies with Magneto, causing escalation into an all-out battle for the X-Men.Kill off Cyclops to get back at James Marsden for being in Superman Returns with former X-Men director Bryan Singer. Have the villains all look like Prince but in black leather. Kill off Xavier too but have him alive in the credits in someone else's body....end of the X-Men movies despite a cliffhanger.
"Lets just make prequels now." - DirectorDennis DuganStarsAdam SandlerKatie HolmesAl PacinoFamily guy, Jack Sadelstein, prepares for the annual event he always dreads--the Thanksgiving visit of his fraternal twin sister, the needy, and passive-aggressive Jill, who then refuses to leave.Sandler shows he has talent in non Happy Madison films.
- DirectorSean AndersStarsAdam SandlerAndy SambergLeighton MeesterWhile in his teens, Donny fathered a son, Todd, and raised him as a single parent until Todd's 18th birthday. Now Donny resurfaces just before Todd's wedding after years apart, sending the groom-to-be's world crashing down."Wuz up! " Really, Adam Sandler actually says that, how old is that line? lol. Plus the whole plot about him only being popular because he f'd his hot teacher when he was like 12 is just creepy and stupid.
- DirectorRoland EmmerichStarsJohn CusackThandiwe NewtonChiwetel EjioforA frustrated writer struggles to keep his family alive when a series of global catastrophes threatens to annihilate mankind."The world might end in 2012....that would make a great movie!" Thought Roland Emmerich.
- DirectorLouis LeterrierStarsSam WorthingtonLiam NeesonRalph FiennesPerseus, a demigod and the son of Zeus, battles the minions of Hades and the Underworld in order to stop them from conquering Olympus and Earth.You know a film is flawed when for some reason the main character has a buzz cut in a film that takes place in a time where there's no electric razors!
- DirectorPitofStarsHalle BerrySharon StoneBenjamin BrattA shy woman, endowed with the speed, reflexes, and senses of a cat, walks a thin line between criminal and hero, even as a detective doggedly pursues her, fascinated by both of her personas.Halle Berry looked good but this is a pretty stupid movie that was made for no good reason.
- DirectorMcGStarsReese WitherspoonChris PineTom HardyC.I.A. operatives wage an epic battle on each other when they discover they are dating the same woman.Good actors wasted as self-centered jerks, especially Chris Pine who plays the biggest A-hole here. While Witherspoon isn't innocent, she's dating 2 men at the same time and only gets pissed when she learns they know each other.
- DirectorRob LettermanStarsJack BlackEmily BluntJason SegelTravel writer Lemuel Gulliver takes an assignment in Bermuda but ends up on the island of Lilliput, where he towers over its tiny citizens.Yep, they can't even make a movie based on a classic book without turning it into a lame comedy.
- DirectorTim BurtonStarsMark WahlbergHelena Bonham CarterTim RothIn 2029, an Air Force astronaut crash-lands on a mysterious planet where evolved, talking apes dominate a race of primitive humans.I'm a Burton fan and the actors playing apes were excellent, too bad the script sucked and that ending was beyond bad.
- DirectorBarry SonnenfeldStarsWill SmithKevin KlineKenneth BranaghThe two best special agents in the Wild West must save President Grant from the clutches of a diabolical, wheelchair-bound, steampunk-savvy, Confederate scientist bent on revenge for losing the Civil War.Jamie Fox kicked ass in Django, Will Smith was only cast in a white role so he can make that lame theme song. If you want to see a good movie with a black cowboy, watch Django.
- DirectorDennis DuganStarsAdam SandlerSalma HayekKevin JamesAfter their high school basketball coach passes away, five good friends and former teammates reunite for a Fourth of July holiday weekend.Good friends just hanging-out acting like big kids, while we watch. Just because it made money, a sequel is coming out.
- DirectorPaul WeitzStarsBen StillerTeri PoloRobert De NiroFamily-patriarch Jack Byrnes wants to appoint a successor. Does his son-in-law, the male nurse Greg Focker, have what it takes?Made just for the heck of it.
- DirectorStephen SommersStarsDennis QuaidChanning TatumMarlon WayansAn elite military unit comprised of special operatives known as G.I. Joe, operating out of The Pit, takes on an evil organization led by a notorious arms dealer.A big cast wasted in a poor excuse for a G.I. Joe film.
- DirectorM. Night ShyamalanStarsNoah RingerNicola Peltz BeckhamJackson RathboneAang, a young successor to a long line of Avatars, must master all four elements and stop the Fire Nation from enslaving the Water Tribes and the Earth Kingdom.Here's what the action is like "here's some wind for you firenation, oh you want some wind thrown at you too? Here you go!"
- DirectorM. Night ShyamalanStarsMark WahlbergZooey DeschanelJohn LeguizamoA science teacher, his wife, and a young girl struggle to survive a plague that causes those infected to commit suicide.Something is happening, bad lines and actors killing themselves after realizing they are in a bad movie.
- DirectorRob CohenStarsBrendan FraserJet LiMaria BelloIn the Far East, Alex O'Connell, the son of famed mummy fighters Rick and Evy O'Connell, unearths the mummy of the first Emperor of Qin -- a shape-shifting entity cursed by a witch centuries ago.
- DirectorRobert RodriguezStarsJessica AlbaJeremy PivenJoel McHaleA retired spy is called back into action, and to bond with her new step-children, she invites them along for the adventure to stop the evil Timekeeper from taking over the world.Robert Rodriguez almost lands himself on worst director list every time he makes a kids movie these days. This movie feels like one of those bad spoof movies like Disaster Movie, that's how bad it is.
- DirectorJason FriedbergAaron SeltzerStarsKal PennJennifer CoolidgeFred WillardA spoof on previous years' epic movies (The Da Vinci Code (2006), The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005) + 20 more), TV series, music videos and celebs. 4 orphans are on an epic adventure.Epic *beep*
- DirectorJohn MooreStarsMark WahlbergMila KunisBeau BridgesComing together to solve a series of murders in New York City are a police detective and an assassin, who will be hunted by the police, the mob, and a ruthless corporation.
- DirectorGarry MarshallStarsJulia RobertsJamie FoxxAnne HathawayIntertwining couples and singles in Los Angeles break-up and make-up based on the pressures and expectations of Valentine's Day.
- DirectorGarry MarshallStarsSarah Jessica ParkerJessica BielAshton KutcherThe lives of several couples and singles in New York City intertwine over the course of New Year's Eve.
- DirectorNimród AntalStarsAdrien BrodyLaurence FishburneTopher GraceA group of elite warriors parachute into an unfamiliar jungle and are hunted by members of a merciless alien race.I was excited about this due to Robert Rodriguez writing the script but all he did is pretty much throw characters on the Predator planet with too many familiarities to the first one. Plus the film just ends without the survivors finding a way off the planet or an explanation to why they were there.
- DirectorRob ZombieStarsScout Taylor-ComptonMalcolm McDowellTyler ManeAfter being committed for 15 years, Michael Myers, now a grown man and still very dangerous, escapes from the mental institution and immediately returns to Haddonfield to find his baby sister, Laurie.A disturbing and gruesome mess. The original is much better.
- DirectorMarco SchnabelStarsMike MyersJessica AlbaRomany MalcoPitka, an American raised outside of his country by gurus, returns to the States in order to break into the self-help business. His first challenge is to settle the romantic troubles and subsequent professional skid of a star hockey player whose wife left him for a rival athlete.
- DirectorHarold RamisStarsJack BlackMichael CeraOlivia WildeAfter being banished from their tribe, two hunter-gatherers encounter Biblical characters and eventually wind up in the city of Sodom.Harold Ramis and Judd Apatow team up but I guess neither of them read the script. Neither did Olivia Wilde, Paul Rudd or Bill Hadar.
- DirectorRoger ChristianStarsJohn TravoltaForest WhitakerBarry PepperIt's the year 3000 A.D., and the Earth is lost to the alien race of Psychlos. Humanity is enslaved by these gold-thirsty tyrants, who are unaware that their 'man-animals' are about to ignite the rebellion of a lifetime.
- DirectorLexi AlexanderStarsRay StevensonDominic WestJulie BenzFrank Castle, known as the Punisher, ruthlessly demolishes organized crime, but it starts an even bigger war.
- DirectorMichael BayStarsBen AffleckKate BeckinsaleJosh HartnettA tale of war and romance mixed in with history. The story follows two lifelong friends and a beautiful nurse who are caught up in the horror of an infamous Sunday morning in 1941.Michael Bay's version of a war movie isn't very good, yet better than some of his other movies.
- DirectorMichael Caton-JonesStarsSharon StoneDavid MorrisseyDavid ThewlisNovelist Catherine Tramell is once again in trouble with the law, and Scotland Yard appoints psychiatrist Dr. Michael Glass to evaluate her. Though, like Detective Nick Curran before him, Glass is entranced by Tramell and lured into a seductive game.The original was hot and steamy, this is just a stupid B movie.
- DirectorJames WongStarsJustin ChatwinJames MarstersChow Yun-FatThe young warrior Son Goku sets out on a quest, racing against time and the vengeful King Piccolo, to collect a set of seven magical orbs that will grant their wielder unlimited power.Just like the Smurfs and G.I. Joe, a Dragonball movie had potential but this is extremely forgettable.
- DirectorWych KaosayanandaStarsAntonio BanderasLucy LiuTalisa SotoTasked with destroying each other, an FBI agent and a rogue DIA agent soon discover that a much bigger enemy is at work.
- DirectorMartin BrestStarsBen AffleckJennifer LopezJustin BarthaLarry Gigli is assigned by a crime boss to kidnap the brother of a prominent district attorney. A beautiful woman known only as Ricki is sent to stay with him to make sure he doesn't mess up the job.
- DirectorRob CohenStarsTyler PerryMatthew FoxRachel NicholsA homicide detective is pushed to the brink of his moral and physical limits as he tangles with a ferociously skilled hired killer who specializes in torture and pain.Tyler Perry as a younger Alex Cross after Morgan Freeman played the role? What, Will Smith, Idres Elba, Denzel Washington and Jamie Fox all weren't available?
- DirectorRaja GosnellStarsNeil Patrick HarrisJayma MaysKaty PerryThe Smurfs team up with their human friends to rescue Smurfette, who has been abducted by Gargamel, since she knows a secret spell that can turn the evil sorcerer's newest creation, creatures called "The Naughties", into real Smurfs.The Smurfs are now in Paris, man screenwriters are ingenious these days.
- DirectorRoland EmmerichStarsMatthew BroderickJean RenoMaria PitilloFrench nuclear tests irradiate an iguana into a giant monster that heads off to New York City. The American military must chase the monster across the city to stop it before it reproduces.An ugly CGI giant lizard attacks.
- DirectorWill GluckStarsQuvenzhané WallisCameron DiazJamie FoxxA foster kid who lives with her mean foster mom sees her life change when business tycoon and New York City mayoral candidate Will Stacks makes a thinly-veiled campaign move and takes her in.A cute but unnecessary film that was made because it could be. Which goes for so many movies these days.
- DirectorJohn SchultzStarsCedric The EntertainerMike EppsGabrielle UnionWorking class New York bus driver Ralph Kramden is always coming up with get-rich-quick schemes for him and his best friend, Ed Norton, who's always around to help him get in (and out of) trouble.Even the cover is pretty arrogant, it's like "look what we made, you mad bro ?" Even if it was a white remake of the show; it still would be unnecessary. You just don't make a movie or new show or anything based on the Honeymooners.
- DirectorEricson CoreStarsEdgar RamírezLuke BraceyRay WinstoneA young FBI agent infiltrates an extraordinary team of extreme sports athletes he suspects of masterminding a string of unprecedented, sophisticated corporate heists.The original was a totally awesome guilty pleasure action film. But to remake it shows how much Hollywood is out of ideas.
- DirectorJon M. ChuStarsDwayne JohnsonChanning TatumAdrianne PalickiThe G.I. Joes are not only fighting their mortal enemy Cobra; they are forced to contend with threats from within the government that jeopardize their very existence.There should only be one leader and that's Duke. But they killed him off just so the Rock can be the leader for no good reason. Playing with G.I. Joe men with my cousin as kids was more faithful to the show.
- DirectorZack SnyderStarsHenry CavillAmy AdamsMichael ShannonAn alien child is evacuated from his dying world and sent to Earth to live among humans. His peace is threatened when other survivors of his home planet invade Earth.I only sort of like it. I just don't see a point in a dark, macho and serious version of Superman that wants to be Batman Begins. Just like Superman Returns; it hardly made me forget Superman 1 and 2.
- DirectorKenneth BranaghStarsChris PineKevin CostnerKeira KnightleyJack Ryan, as a young covert C.I.A. analyst, uncovers a Russian plot to crash the U.S. economy with a terrorist attack.It's not based on a Jack Ryan book; there for it shouldn't even exist. The film is cliche and just not as good as any other Jack Ryan movie. And it has no real idea what a Jack Ryan film should be like.
- DirectorBrad PeytonStarsDwayne JohnsonCarla GuginoAlexandra DaddarioIn the aftermath of a massive earthquake in California, a rescue-chopper pilot makes a dangerous journey with his ex-wife across the state in order to rescue his daughter.Really ? Yet another disaster film about a family being separated during a crisis. Even the new Godzilla would have been better without that sub plot.
- DirectorJosh TrankStarsMiles TellerKate MaraMichael B. JordanFour young outsiders teleport to an alternate and dangerous universe which alters their physical form in shocking ways. The four must learn to harness their new abilities and work together to save Earth from a former friend turned enemy.The era where it's cool to not read a book or comic while making a film that's supposed to be based on that book or comic.
You can just wing it; cast whoever you want and make Doctor Doom a hacker. So that's who hacked Sony!