- [on Buddy Hackett] Buddy played a charity golf tournament in Lancaster, California. He came off the golf course and put his clubs in the trunk of his car. He was changing his shoes to go in the bar, put his keys down, and closed the trunk--then realized, "Ah, I locked my keys in the trunk!" He couldn't open the car from inside, so he went into the bar and ordered a drink. He said, "Where's the phone book?" He looked up locksmiths. He found one that said 24 hours. It was about 7:00 in the evening. He called and said, "Can you come out?" The woman that answered said, "No, my husband is in bed. Call tomorrow." If that was you or me we'd just call the next locksmith. Buddy called back. He said, "Your ad says 24 hours. This is Buddy Hackett. If you don't come out I will sue you." So the guy came to open the trunk and Buddy gave him, whatever it was, 50 bucks or something. Now, this was years and years ago. Then one night I'm sitting with Buddy in the dressing room at the Sahara and talking. He picks up the phone. He says to the operator, "Get me Jackson 40956" or something like that. Somebody answers the phone and says, "Acme Lock Company" and he hangs up! A minute later I say to Buddy, "What was that?" He says, "What was what?" I said, "That phone call." He said, "What phone call? Oh, that?" Ever since that time he locked his keys in his car and that woman said [her] husband the locksmith couldn't come, he had been calling them for 11 years at 2:00 in the morning . . . and hanging up! Three days a week!
- [about the time Shecky Greene got arrested for being in a drunken brawl in Harlem, NY] They took him to the desk sergeant. Desk sergeant asks, "You gonna call your lawyer?" He said, "No, my lawyer is in Las Vegas. My manager is in Los Angeles." "You have a manager?" "Yes, I'm an entertainer." The desk sergeant looked at him and said, "You're no fucking entertainer! You're a rummy! We picked you up and you were all boozed out." "No, I swear to God. I'm going to call [Jack E. Leonard]." "Is that your lawyer?" "No, Jack Leonard is that guy who is always on Ed Sullivan." "You mean that big fat guy that does all those insults?" "Yeah." "You don't know him. I'll dial the number. What's the number?" So the desk sergeant calls the number. "Is this Jack Leonard?" "Yes, this is Jack Leonard. What can I do for ya?" "This is Sergeant Jackson at the 84th Precinct. We got a guy down here in jail . . . you ever hear of Shecky Greene?" "Shecky Greene is the greatest comedian that ever lived!" "Well, we've got him down here in lock-up. We found him drunk." Jack says, "That's not Shecky Greene" and hangs up!
- [on Jack Carter] Jack Carter is a legend in his own time . . . Jack is one of the most bizarre human beings. Jack doesn't have any friends in show business, y'know. He has been mean to everybody, vindictive to everybody. There's a great old show business joke. A clinical psychologist comes to Las Vegas to do a story on prostitution. He gets three prostitutes in his office, one at a time. He says to the first one, "Do you ever have sexual fantasies?" "Certainly I do." "But how can you? You do this like 20 times a day." "That's business, but I have my own fantasies. I want to make love to Gregory Peck. He's the symbol of gentility and masculinity mixed together. I want to slather him with honey and . . . " She goes on and on. Next girl comes in. Same story. "I want to have an affair with Anthony Quinn because he has the most animal magnetism. I want to hang him from the rafters . . . " and so on. Next girl comes in. Psychologist says, "How about you?" She says, "I want to have an affair with Jack Carter." The guy says, "Why Jack Carter?" "Well," she says, "I have always wanted to be in show business and everyone in show business is always saying, 'Fuck Jack Carter! 'Fuck Jack Carter!'."
- [on Pat Boone] I outed Pat Boone as a cigar smoker--right on the show. Pat has a locker at the big cigar shop in Beverly Hills. Whenever I did his show we'd always smoke a cigar together. I said, "Nobody knows this--but you're a cigar smoker!" The audience went, "Oooooh . . . " This Christian audience. He said, "Well, my wife won't let me at home, but every once in a while after dinner . . . " Y'know? Well, he also drinks good brandy and curses and tells dirty jokes! Outing him for the cigar was enough. He's a nice guy, Pat.
- [about working with Don Adams on Get Smart (1965)] I didn't get along very well with Don Adams, but then again nobody did. Don was one of those guys that was just so bloody insecure that he had to carry his Emmys around with him in his car . . . We just didn't get along. He was unapproachable. He would walk out. Do his lines. Disappear . . . [He] did the same act over and over. I liked him and thought he was clever, but he never put anything into it . . . He was never a nice man.
- [on working with singer Frances Faye] She sang and did novelty songs and was a bad piano player--but a pretty good singer. In fact, she did an album with Mel Tormé. She was an interesting lady. She was also the most miserable person who ever walked the face of the earth!
- [on working with Rudy Vallee on On Broadway Tonight (1964)] He didn't have any idea what I was doing. I'd run into him from time to time and we'd talk. We had a good relationship, but Rudy Vallee lived in a different world. When they picked up the option and it became a big budget show . . . I think they paid him $5000 to host the summer replacement and now they were giving him $20,000 a show. The producer [Irving Mansfield] said, "Rudy, do me a favor. We did eight shows last summer and you wore the same suit for all of them. Get some new suits." Rudy said, "Well, it's obligatory for the producer to buy the wardrobe." Irving said, "I'm not going to buy a full wardrobe for you! I might buy a few suits . . . " "Put that in writing." "No, I'll give you my word--I'll get you some suits." "Put it in writing!" So Irving, to spite Rudy, had his secretary come in. He said, "Type this up: 'I, Irving Mansfield, agree to buy Rudy Vallee a few suits'." That was exactly the language. Rudy went down to the tailor and he had two suits made. The show lasted one season. When it ended he sued Irving for another suit because the word "few" implies at least three!
- [on the infamous Shecky Greene incident at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, NV] When he'd drink, Shecky was one of those guys to which alcohol was not his friend. It became a mood-altering drug for him. He would do these terrible things. He'd hit people. A dear friend of ours, he broke the bones in the back of her hand slamming her hand up against the cashier's cage one night. He drove his Cadillac into the fountains at Caesar's Palace. The valet guy came running up and said, "Mr. Greene, are you okay?" Shecky rolled down the electric window and he said, "Don't bother with the hot wax".
- [on Buddy Hackett] I was working the Sahara [Hotel in Las Vegas] lounge and Buddy came in with Clint Eastwood and a couple of big movie guys. They saw the show and then Buddy got up onstage at the end and said, "This is one of the next big comics" and he was just raving. Then I went into the showroom and sat with those guys. He was brilliant and introduced me in the audience and said, "This is the greatest guy!" Two nights later I walked backstage and Buddy called security and had me thrown out. He was almost schizoid. He was two people.
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