The Big Broadcast of 1937 (1936)
Jack Benny: Jack Carson
Photos
Quotes
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Jack Carson : I'm just a pilgrim on the path of least resistance.
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Jack Carson : Patsy!
Patsy : Yes, Sir
Jack Carson : Try to get hold of Frank Rossman, right away.
Patsy : Frank Rossman?
Jack Carson : Yeah, and get me a couple of writers and a copy of Romeo and Juliet.
Patsy : You meant what?
Jack Carson : I said "Romeo and Juliet". You know - the couple that made love on a balcony.
Patsy : In a balcony? What theatre?
Jack Carson : How do I know what theatre? Get the book and somebody to read it!
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Mrs. Platt : Try and figure this one out. What is it that hasn't got what you think it has, but if it has, how many has it got?
Jack Carson : [repeating] What is it that hasn't got what you think it has, but if it has, how many has it got?
Mrs. Platt : Yes
Mr. Platt : Gracie, you're crazy!
Mrs. Platt : [surprised] Yeah. Oh that's it! That's the answer! That's very good, George.
Mr. Platt : [exhausted] That's the answer? 'Gracie, you're crazy'?
Mrs. Platt : Well, it must be because everybody I talk to says the same thing.
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Jack Carson : Nice girl. Talking to her is like shaking hands with an empty glove.
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Mrs. Platt : Whatever became of you?
Jack Carson : Well, I was elected Vice President.
Mrs. Platt : Vice President?
Jack Carson : Yeah!
Mrs. Platt : Now, I've heard of Vice; but, I never knew they had a President for it.
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Jack Carson : I don't like your jokes, particularly the ones you haven't told me yet.
Schlepperman : Please, Mr. Carson, if this ain't any better than the jokes I told you before, you can have my permission to throw me right out of your office.
Jack Carson : Thanks. You can have my guarantee I'll do it.
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Jack Carson : How would you like to go to dinner and be served with a tomato juice cocktail, tomato bouillon, tomato salad, and nice rolled stuffed tomato?
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Jack Carson : I'm going to talk to her tonight, while breaking in my new rhumba.
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Patsy : Oh, Mr. Carson, I got a terrific gag for one of your programs. Oh, it's marvelous!
Jack Carson : That's nice. I doubt it.
Patsy : Oh, you'll laugh at this one. It's brand new. You see, I say, "I had a terrible time last night with Amos." Oh, this is marvelous. You say, "Amos who?" And I say...
Jack Carson : Amos Quito.
Patsy : Yeah!
[laughs hysterically]
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Jack Carson : You practically took the words out of my mouth.
Mrs. Platt : Yeah, well, if I put 'em back, what have you got?
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Jack Carson : Will you have a bite?
Gwen Holmes : Ah, no thank you.
Jack Carson : It's an apple.
Gwen Holmes : Yes, I know.
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Jack Carson : I'm paying no bills to keep no dame in no cold storage vault.
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Jack Carson : There must be something we can talk about. But, don't get discouraged. I'll eventually think of something. I always do.
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Jack Carson : Well, I guess what Sherman said about love is right.
Gwen Holmes : He said that about war, didn't he?
Jack Carson : Th same thing.
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Jack Carson : If there's any room behind the 8 ball, move over.
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Jack Carson : I chided her for all this cheap publicity, then I made love to her.
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Gwen Holmes : What kind of a girl do people think I am?
Jack Carson : I'd say you were a good girl - in the worst sense of the word.
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Jack Carson : Where do *I* think she's hiding? How do I know. Look in haystack. She might be visiting a needle.
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Jack Carson : I'm sorry, but, Miss Holmes is unable to oblige. She was just taken over by galloping hysterics.
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[last lines]
Jack Carson : You have just heard the Big Broadcast of 1937 - which came to you through the courtesy of Providence, Paramount, and Platt's Golf Balls.