- [first lines]
- Shipboard Reporter: Oh, Mr. Lindsay, I'm from the News. Are you going around the world on this trip?
- Dennis Lindsay: No. We're just going to Honolulu.
- Shipboard Reporter: Oh, on a business trip?
- Carmelita Lindsay: Oh, no! That's why we are going on dis trip: to get away from business. Dis is my two-time honeymoon. The first time we went on our honeymoon, we didn't go. But, dis time, the only business is gonna be: is gonna be nobody's business.
- Fifi Russell: Well, you know what they say about all work and no play.
- Dennis Lindsay: Yeah.
- Fifi Russell: So, if you ever want to talk over old times, I am in Cabin 62.
- Carmelita Lindsay: So! You were going to gently broken me the news, eh?
- Dennis Lindsay: Camelita, you know...
- Carmelita Lindsay: Well! You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna break somebody's neck - and not so very gentle!
- Carmelita Lindsay: All the time is business, business, business, business! This is supposed to be my two-time honeymoon and what happens? You two-time me!
- Mr. George Skinner: You shouldn't be out here in public until you find out who you are, should you? Should you?
- Lord Basil Epping: Shouldn't I?
- Carmelita Lindsay: Everything we do, every place we go, it's always business, business, business! You never do anything to please me! On, no!
- Dennis Lindsay: Carmelita, that's not true.
- Carmelita Lindsay: It is true! Get out of my way! I just might as well be married to a rubber stamp. Our home is always like a post office!
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: We'll see you kids later.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Oh, no! You won't see me later! Because, I won't be there!
- Aunt Della Lindsay: It's a good thing this happened, if I may say so.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: You've said enough already.
- Aunt Della Lindsay: Don't you tell me what to say, Matthew Lindsay!
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: All right, all right, all right.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Look, Mommy, Mommy, why don't you go down to our cabin and primp up a little bit before you meet the Baldwins. Remember, old girl, everything's on your shoulders now. Everything.
- Aunt Della Lindsay: All right, Matthew. You can depend on me. *I* won't let you down.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: If you want her to go, tell her to stay! If you want her to stay, then tell her to go!
- Dennis Lindsay: Do you think it'll work?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: It always works! A woman's mind is constructed that way.
- Dennis Lindsay: Carmelita, wait a minute. Carmelita, look here! Don't you cause another scene!
- Carmelita Lindsay: There's gonna be a scene all right!
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: What's the matter?
- Carmelita Lindsay: Oh, it's that row I had with Dennis.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Well, this isn't the first row you've had with Dennis.
- Carmelita Lindsay: I know! But, this time he don't fight nice.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: What do you mean he doesn't fight nice?
- Carmelita Lindsay: This time he fight for keeps. He don't wanna make up with me.
- Aunt Della Lindsay: [to Dennis] Now, if Fifi is willing, she can help me put over this deal for you.
- Fifi Russell: Oh, I'd be very glad to do anything - to help Dennis.
- Carmelita Lindsay: You walk like Donald Duke.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Donald Duke? Donald Duck! Say, I better duck out of here before we're caught together.
- Mr. George Skinner: I've inquired all over, but, I can't locate your wife.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: [pretending to be Lord Epping] My wife? Well, what would you want with my wife, may I ask?
- Mr. George Skinner: Well, don't you want her?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Certainly not!
- Mr. George Skinner: Oh, your Lordship, I have the sketch.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: [pretending to be Lord Epping] Oh, I'm frightfully sorry. Rub a little ointment on it.
- Mr. George Skinner: No, I said the sketch.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Oh. Sketch?
- Mr. George Skinner: Hello, Lindsay. How are you? How's tricks?
- Dennis Lindsay: There won't be any this trip. If you think you're following the stench, you're off the track. This is purely a pleasure trip.
- Mr. George Skinner: Yes, I know and I'm going to have a lot of it too, Lindsay.
- Mrs. Baldwin: Do sit down, your highness. These quarters are frightfully cramped.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: [pretending to be Lord Epping] You have?
- Mrs. Baldwin: I suppose at your home you too have the aurora borealis?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: [pretending to be Lord Epping] Oh, yes, yes. It grows like weeds.
- Lord Basil Epping: [takes away a cocktail from George Skinner] I had a friend of mine in India, one time, he thought he was a mongoose and went around snapping at cobras. Yes. Boy, when you begin to see things like this - its time to put up, you know, or else, change your brand.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Lord Epping is not on board.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: What?
- Carmelita Lindsay: Sure. I already asked the pusser.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Look, we must work fast. Don't give her a chance to think right.
- Carmelita Lindsay: You know me. I can talk faster than that!
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: [pretending to be Lord Epping] My dear, girl, you're more English than steak and kidney pudding. Ever have the gout?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: [pretending to be Lord Epping] Listen, drop the pipe!
- Mr. George Skinner: Well, that's better.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Yes. Have the codfish smoking a cigar.
- Dennis Lindsay: You'll to tell him a fib, Aunt Della.
- Aunt Della Lindsay: Dennis, I couldn't think of fibbing to Matthew.
- Fifi Russell: Well, then, tell him a little white lie.
- Aunt Della Lindsay: Well, maybe just a little one.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Did you talk to Dennis.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Yep.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Oh, goodie goodie! Then, I go and kiss him and make up and then we go to the party.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Yes, but, you're not going with him to the party tonight.
- Carmelita Lindsay: I'm not?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: No, he's taking another girl, a blonde.
- Carmelita Lindsay: What! He can't do that! That's big-a-tree!
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Bigamy. Bigamy!
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: You've got to attack him with - negative psychology.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Oh! Sounds good. Where I get one?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Look, what I mean is this: he's doing this to make you jealous!
- Carmelita Lindsay: Oh.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Now, when he sees that you are *not* jealous, he'll stop and call the whole thing off.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Oh, then I have nothing to worry about.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: See!
- Carmelita Lindsay: But, first I knock his block off! That's what I'll do!
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Listen to me! Listen. You've got to fight fire with fire.
- Carmelita Lindsay: I'm already burned up!
- Carmelita Lindsay: I go on the other side of the boat. It doesn't smell so good around here.
- [sniffs and exits]
- Aunt Della Lindsay: Why, you nasty little...
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: De-dut-dut-dut, I know just exactly what you're going to say.
- Aunt Della Lindsay: I don't use language like that.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Say, wait a minute, why all this sudden attention?
- Aunt Della Lindsay: Don't you know that your wife knows everything about you?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: I hope not!
- Aunt Della Lindsay: Let me see your tongue.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Oh.
- [sticks his tongue out]
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Well, what's the matter?
- Aunt Della Lindsay: I'm afraid it's your liver again.
- Mr. George Skinner: Maybe I could help you get even with him.
- Carmelita Lindsay: What do you mean?
- Mr. George Skinner: Well, I've been invited to the Baldwin's dinner party too. But, I haven't any girl friend.
- Carmelita Lindsay: So what?
- Mr. George Skinner: Well, you could help me put over a deal with Baldwin and at the same time get even with Dennis - by making him jealous.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Oh-oh! I see what you mean. You wanna fight fire with fire.
- Mr. George Skinner: That's right.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Okie-dookie, Mr. Skinny! We put out some fires together.
- Mrs. Baldwin: Captain Nelson, it was awfully nice for you to accept our invitation for dinner - you and your mate.
- Captain Nelson: Well, it was nice of you to invite us, Mrs. Baldwin.
- First Officer Reynolds: I'm not his mate, ma'am. His First Officer.
- Mrs. Baldwin: Oh, it's the same thing.
- Miss Pepper: Well, your Lordship, what do you think of me?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: [pretending to be Lord Epping] Let's remain friends, shall we.
- Mr. George Skinner: I think I've caught the spirit this time.
- Lord Basil Epping: Yes, I'm afraid you've had too much spirits, my son. Have you ever tried two raw eggs, a little Worcestershire sauce, with an oyster?
- Miss Pepper: What's the matter?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: [pretending to be Lord Epping] An intruder. A vulgarian.
- Miss Pepper: A Vulgarian? Oh, I always wanted to go there. I hear its a beautiful country.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Hello, Mr. Skinny.
- Mr. George Skinner: Hello.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Are you ready to put out some fires?
- Mr. George Skinner: I'm ready to break somebody's neck!
- Carmelita Lindsay: Me too.
- Miss Pepper: How do you like my English? Am I too broad?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: [pretending to be Lord Epping] Probably. But, they won't notice if you sit down.
- Miss Pepper: [pretending to be Lady Epping] Do you think your husband would like my "Love and Lavender"?
- Mrs. Baldwin: Huh? What?
- Miss Pepper: My "Love and Lavender"?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: [pretending to be Lord Epping] Mrs. Lindsay, well...
- Carmelita Lindsay: Oh, I'm no more Mrs. Lindsay.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: No?
- Carmelita Lindsay: No, I'm the future Mrs. Skinny.
- Lady Ada Epping: You'll have to help me, Basil.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: [pretending to be Lord Epping] Of course, it's a pleasure. What do you want me to do?
- Lady Ada Epping: Take off my dress!
- Lady Ada Epping: Agnes, must I tell you again not to call me Lady Epping as long as we're on board. I've explained that and you know very well that in order to avoid unpleasant social contacts, I'm traveling incognito.
- Agnes, the Epping Maid: In what?
- Lady Ada Epping: Under our family name: Hicklebottom. Not the title! From now on I don't want you to address me in any way other than Mrs. Hicklebottom. Is that perfectly clear?
- Agnes, the Epping Maid: Yes, Lady Epping.
- Lady Ada Epping: Repeat this after me: Mrs. Hicklebottom.
- Agnes, the Epping Maid: Mrs. 'icklebottom.
- Lady Ada Epping: That's better.
- Agnes, the Epping Maid: Thank you, Lady Epping.