- Commissioner: Ah, lover's quarrels are just like an old pair of pants. You can always patch 'em up.
- Phoebe Gray: Do you have to be that corny?
- Victor Prince: There wasn't a day of my tour that I didn't miss you. I kept seeing your reflection in Louisiana Bayous and Arizona sunsets.
- Dan Christy: I remember you. You're the bartender.
- McTavish: Wrong tense, sir. I was.
- Dan Christy: You mean you gave up your job on account of me?
- McTavish: Well, it wasn't a very satisfactory occupation, sir. I'd only been a bartender for two days.
- Dan Christy: It's all very clear to me. You took advantage of me while I was in that bar.
- McTavish: On the contrary, sir. I was obliged to help you to the airplane. Then you prevailed upon me to accompany you as your companion. You said it was fate.
- Dan Christy: Where am I?
- McTavish: Chateau Lake Louise. Heart of the Canadian Rockies. Elevation, 5,670 feet.
- McTavish: Well, it all started with my Aunt Stefanie, sir. That is, it started with her will. It's become quite a burden, really.
- Dan Christy: Her will? Don't tell me she died and left you all her big words.
- McTavish: Well, it amounts to practically the same thing, sir. You see, when my Aunt Stefanie died, I was a freshman at Harvard and in her will, she stipulated that I was to receive an allowance of $10,000 a year as long as I remained in college.
- Dan Christy: Huh?
- McTavish: Yes. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I've been going to school now for 20 years. I graduated last month.
- Dan Christy: Twenty years in one college?
- McTavish: Oh, no sir. No, sir. I have diplomas from five.
- Dan Christy: What are you doing tending bar?
- McTavish: Well, sir, I wanted to learn about life... and the present. For 20 years I've been shut up learning about the past.
- Dan Christy: McTavish, this begins to sound like a gag. You certainly look like a bartender.
- McTavish: [Looking very pleased] Really? Oh... Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.
- Dan Christy: What's the melting point of magnesium?
- McTavish: Three thousand, five hundred degrees Fahrenheit, sir.
- Dan Christy: Recite the Turkish alphabet.
- McTavish: [recites a few letters] ... is that correct, sir?
- Dan Christy: How do I know? It sounds correct. It sounds impossible.
- McTavish: Oh well, sir, my whole life has been impossible. You see, I know everything.
- Dan Christy: Well, what's wrong with that?
- McTavish: Well, I confess. Though I am a master of romance languages, I'm scarcely a master of romance. Bachelor of Arts, yes, but awfully tired of being a bachelor.
- Dan Christy: Well, keep your chin up, McTavish.
- McTavish: Yes, sir.
- Dan Christy: Both of 'em.
- McTavish: Yes, sir.
- Dan Christy: [reads engraving on ring] Together till... this inscription's only half finished.
- McTavish: It was just one hour between planes.
- Rosita Murphy: I am your secretary.
- Dan Christy: What?
- McTavish: That's quite right, Mr. Christy. You hired her in Detroit. She was at the souvenir counter.
- Rosita Murphy: You were having some little trouble and I fix for you.
- Dan Christy: Oh, you two haven't met. Miss Murphy, Miss Lane.
- Vicky Lane: How do you do, Miss Murphy.
- Rosita Murphy: How do you do, I'm sure. I'm fine, thanks.
- Dan Christy: Miss Murphy's my secretary.
- Vicky Lane: Your, uh, secretary?
- Dan Christy: Mmm, secretary.
- Vicky Lane: I see. Mr. Christy, I just called your room. A man informed me that he was your valet.
- Dan Christy: Oh, yes. My valet. My secretary. I'm traveling light, but I manage.
- Vicky Lane: I can see you're roughing it. Goodbye, Mr. Christy.
- Rosita Murphy: Nice for you to make my acquaintance, Miss Lane.
- McTavish: You know, I would suggest your lying down, sir. It'll quiet your mind.
- Dan Christy: Who's on the phone?
- McTavish: It's the general, sir. The colonel, er that Mr. Commissioner from New York.
- Commissioner: Listen, I didn't send you up there to make her jealous. When a woman's jealous, she's mad. And we won't want a mad woman for the show.
- Commissioner: Listen, Danny boy. Time's a wastin'. Make love to her, don't antagonize her. We're putting on a review, not a prizefight.
- Dan Christy: Tell those two ugly mugs to keep their shirts on. I know what I'm doing.
- Commissioner: [to two gents sitting in his office] He says, love and kisses and how are you?
- Dan Christy: Is that what a secretary wears in Brazil?
- Rosita Murphy: Why? You don't like my outfit? I think it's a knock down.
- Dan Christy: Well, what good is it if there's not a Mardi Gras in town?
- Rosita Murphy: When I first meet you, I think you are a little on the dumb bell side, you know.
- McTavish: Not really? You know, I must say definitely, that I felt just the same way about you.
- Rosita Murphy: Ha, ha, that's wonderful.
- McTavish: What do you mean?
- Rosita Murphy: It means we click.
- McTavish: Oh, does it?
- Vicky Lane: If you'll excuse me, I'd like to go to the powder room.
- Rosita Murphy: I will go with you. My face is a mess, too.
- Dan Christy: What's cookin', Phoebe?
- Phoebe Gray: I don't know what's cookin', but I know someone's stewin'.
- Rosita Murphy: What's your trouble, Miss Lane? You got tough time finding a boy?
- Vicky Lane: Of course not. I have Mr. Prince. He and I are engaged and he gave me this.
- [holds her left hand out to show her ring]
- Rosita Murphy: Hmmm. Is that a diamond?
- Vicky Lane: Yes. Does the size of it startle you?
- Rosita Murphy: Yes. In Brazil, we throw that kind away. We dig them up this big.
- [she rotates her fist]
- Dan Christy: McTavish, any time a woman never wants to see you again, that means she can't live without you. I'm happy to report that everything is progressing according to plan.
- McTavish: Really, sir, really? Your scientific approach to a woman's heart - it's just amazing, sir.
- Dan Christy: Thank you, McTavish.
- Victor Prince: Now, Vicky, what is this? You want me here because you're lonesome, then you try to get rid of me. You want me to come. You want me to go. Now what do you want me to do?
- Vicky Lane: I'll tell you, Victor.
- Victor Prince: What, Vicky?
- Vicky Lane: Let's play gin rummy.
- Vicky Lane: Now, why didn't you leave by the fire escape as I asked you to?
- Dan Christy: Look, no fire escape.
- Vicky Lane: Well, a gentleman would've jumped.
- Dan Christy: We're going on our honeymoon. Then were' gonna get married.
- McTavish: Aren't you a little mixed, sir?
- Dan Christy: Yes, I am a little mixed up. But I love it.