- Butch - Cherry Street Leader: It's okay, Flanagan, there ain't gonna be no rough stuff - not until we find Muggs anyway.
- Waiter: Yes, monsieur.
- Ethelbert 'Mugs' McGinnis: Uh, table.
- Waiter: Have you a reservation?
- Ethelbert 'Mugs' McGinnis: What do you think I am, an Indian?
- Ethelbert 'Mugs' McGinnis: [explaining how dark-skinned Scruno is a member of the family] Oh, well, uh, he ain't really one of the family. We found him on the doorstep, so we adopted him.
- Pete Monahan: [chuckling] Well, I... thought he looked like a stray from some other herd.
- Ethelbert 'Mugs' McGinnis: That's the corniest gag in the world. Had whiskers on it when I was going to kindergarten.
- Ethelbert 'Mugs' McGinnis: Just remember, my good man, never judge a book by its cover - unless you've read it.
- Ethelbert 'Mugs' McGinnis: Mustang? I use that in hot dogs every day. I could ride that mule all day.
- Pete Monahan: You know, I've got a good notion to take the whole caboodle of you back to the ranch in Texas with me.
- Scruno: In Texas?
- Pete Monahan: Yes, sir. Greatest place in the world. Got ten thousand head of cattle there. Just sold a thousand head to the army.
- Ethelbert 'Mugs' McGinnis: What do you do with the rest of the cow after you sell the head?
- Pete Monahan: [laughs uproariously] Oh, ho, that's a good one!
- Ethelbert 'Mugs' McGinnis: It is?
- Ethelbert 'Mugs' McGinnis: Well, dis is Muggsy's Uncle. Hey, not bad. Muggsy's Uncle, Charley's Aunt. Pretty good, huh? No?
- Ethelbert 'Mugs' McGinnis: Well, that takes care of the first part of the situation. The second part is a little more congestive.
- Glimpy Freedhoff: Yeah? Who we gotta fight now?
- Ethelbert 'Mugs' McGinnis: We don't gotta fight nobody. We gotta lick a delicate situation.
- Glimpy Freedhoff: Gee, I never fought one of them before.
- Ethelbert 'Mugs' McGinnis: You don't fight 'em. You illuminate 'em by the process of inductions.