The Jack Benny Program (1950–1965)

Jack Benny: Jack Benny, Self, Benny the Louse, District Attorney, Self - Host, Zeke Benny, Alexander Hamilton, Alfalfa, Bruce Fink, Buck, Charles Manningham, Charleston T. Gundelfinger, Det. Lt. Benny, Dr. Benny, Gaylord Benny, General Sneed #2, Jack's Father, Jonathan W. Goodheart, Jose Zeco, Koko the Lord High Executioner, Lem Skinner, Mr. Hyde, Paul Revere, Principal Benny, Ralph Kramden, Self - Dr. Jekyll, Smeaton, Stephen Foster, Tarzan, Tex Morgan, The Cactus Kid, The Fiddler, The Old Year

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Marilyn Monroe : What about the difference in our ages?

  Jack : Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine.

  Marilyn Monroe : I know, Jack. But what about twenty-five years from now when I'm fifty and you're thirty-nine?

  Jack : Gee, I never thought of that.

• [on trial for murder, Jack has Perry Mason defending him] 

  Jack : I can't understand it. On your show you always win.

  Perry Mason : Maybe my writers are better than yours.

• [repeated line] 

  Jack : Now, cut that out!

• Thug : Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'

  Jack Benny : I'm thinking it over.

• [At Liberace's House] 

  Liberace : What do we have for dinner?

  Cook : We have some breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks.

  Jack : Breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks?

  Liberace : Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack?

  Jack : Well, only if you have enough. I'd hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me.

• Humphrey Bogart : I'm entitled to one phone call, ain't I? Gimme a dime I'll go down to the drugstore.

  Jack : Oh, no you don't. You'll make your call here where I can keep an eye on you.

  Bob : And save a dime.

• Jack : When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here.

  [Puts hand on heart] 

  Rochester : Yes, that's the spot all right. You almost had a heart attack when they laughed at Bob Hope.

• Jack : What do you think of this card I wrote for Don? "To Don from Jacky, Oh golly, oh shucks. I hope that you like it, It cost forty bucks.

  Rochester : It would've been hard to rhyme a dollar ninety-eight.

• [repeated line] 

  Jack Benny : We're a little late, so good night, folks.

• Jack : I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.

• Jack Benny : Where's that big glass star I told you to pack away last Christmas?

  Rochester : You mean that shiny one with the three points on it?

  Jack Benny : That star has five points.

  Rochester : Well, it went down two points this last year.

• Thug : You're gonna give us $10,000, or we're gonna break both your legs.

  Jack Benny : Does it have to be both?

• [Jack picks up a jar from the dresser] 

  Jack : Hey, wait a minute. What kind of make up is this?

  Rochester : Well, you said you wanted something to make you look nice and tanned.

  Jack : I know, but peanut butter?

  [Audience laugh] 

  Jack : I want to look tanned, not lumpy.

• [Jack decides to have a shave] 

  Rochester : [checking his equipment]  Shaving cream, brush, razor, smelling salts.

  Jack : Smell?... What do I want with smelling salts?

  Rochester : That's for me. I can't stand the sight of blood.

• [Rochester has started shaving Jack] 

  Rochester : Oh oh.

  Jack : What's the matter?

  Rochester : I think I cut you.

  Jack : What do you mean, you think? Can't you tell?

  Rochester : It would help if you bleed a little.

• Jack : It's really dangerous, here in the jungle.

  'Clyde' : Your'e telling me. What about those first three nights, we had to light fires to keep the animals away.

  Jack : Yeah, then we ran out of water. For three weeks we couldn't even take a bath.

  'Clyde' : Then the animals lit fires to keep us away.

• Jack Benny : [on the phone with Mary Livingston]  Hello, Mary. Are you free tonight? No, I don't have any plans. Would you like to go see a movie? No, I'll come to your house; you're TV screen is much bigger.

  [Mary hangs up the phone] 

  Jack Benny : Mary? Mary? I don't know what she's mad about.

• Mel Blanc : [as a former classmate, now a taxi driver]  I'm very successful - I own my own cab. What do YOU do?

  Jack : [pause]  I'm the voice of Bugs Bunny!

  Mel Blanc : Well, I'm glad you got rid of that lousy fiddle!

• Bob Crosby : That's like keeping the smog and throwing away Los Angeles.

  Don Wilson : I don't think you know how much it means to me to do the commercial. After all I'm not a funny man. I can't sing or dance. I don't lead a band. What are you paying me for?

  Jack : Don, you're hanging yourself.

• Jack : When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

• Jack : I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.

• Jack : [poking his head through the stage curtains]  Bob, will you please give me my pants back?

  Bob Hope : Put your head back through there, or I'll start handing out baseballs to the audience.

• Don Wilson : [Poking his head through the curtains]  Bob, Bob, quick, give me Jack's pants

  Bob Hope : Why do you want Jack's pants?

  Don Wilson : Because I had to give him mine.

  Bob Hope : You mean, Jack's actually wearing your pants?

  Jack : [out of shot]  Darn right I am.

• Jack : [Pointing to the tiger]  He must have gone to a veterinarian in Denmark.

  'Clyde' : I wondered why he had his hand on his hip when I shot him.

• [our heroes have been captured by a tribe on cannibals, and are standing in a large pot] 

  Jack : I'm scared, I'm frightened.

  'Clyde' : Frightened. Why, you yellow-belly. Do you want to live forever?

  Jack : No, I just want to reach 40.

  'Clyde' : Oh, we're not going to make that trip again, oh no.

• Jack : [pointing a pistol at Bob's trousers]  I'm going to blow your brains out.

  [Bob adjusts Jack's gun arm, so that the pistol is now pointing at Bob's head] 

  Bob Hope : Let's not do any jokes we didn't plan on, eh.

• [Our heroes enter a jungle clearing carrying a tiger on a pole] 

  Jack : These last 2 miles were rugged, weren't they?

  'Clyde' : I knew as soon as we got off the freeway, we'd run into trouble.

• Jack : What kind of tiger is that - Siberian or Bengal?

  'Clyde' : General Electric.

• Jack : Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"