Monkey Business (1952)
Cary Grant: Dr. Barnaby Fulton
Photos
Quotes
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Barnaby : Hello, Griffith Park Zoo, Snake Department. Sssshhh!
Oliver Oxley : Hello? Hello? What is this?
Barnaby : What do you want?
Oliver Oxley : This is Mr Oxley.
Barnaby : I'll see if he's here.
Oliver Oxley : No, I said *this* is Oxley!
Barnaby : Who is?
Oliver Oxley : I am, speaking!
Barnaby : Oh, you're Mr. Speaking...
Oliver Oxley : This is Mr. Oxley speaking!
Barnaby : Oxley Speaking? Any relation to Oxley?
Oliver Oxley : Barnaby Fulton is that you?
Barnaby : Who's calling?
Oliver Oxley : I am, Barnaby!
Barnaby : Oh, no, you're not Barnaby. I'm Barnaby! I ought to know who I am.
Oliver Oxley : This is Oxley speaking, Barnaby!
Barnaby : No, that's ridiculous! You can't be all three. Figure out which one you are and call me back!
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Mrs. Edwina Fulton : By the way, whose lipstick is it?
Barnaby : Oh, uh, what's her names? Oxley's secretary.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Oh, you mean that little pin up girl? Very cute.
Barnaby : Sort of. But half infant.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Not the half that's visible.
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Barnaby : [Lois is exposing a beautiful leg to show Barnaby the "new non-rip plastic stockings" he invented. Mr. Oxley enters and is startled] Miss Laurel was just showing me her acetates.
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Barnaby : Well, all set? Is you motor running?
Lois Laurel : Is your motor running?
Barnaby : Is yours? Takes awhile to warm up.
Lois Laurel : It does, me too.
Barnaby : Well, watch your head. I'll watch everything else!
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Hank Entwhistle : Well, I can only tell you, Mrs. Fulton. If you had been smart enough to marry me instead of...
[points at Barnaby]
Hank Entwhistle : this, you wouldn't be in the kitchen cooking.
Barnaby : No? Where would she be cooking?
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Barnaby : I have a new formula.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Now barnaby, if you start that all over again, so help me, I'll...
Barnaby : Oh, I like that dress, yes.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Oh, you do.
Barnaby : Uh-huh.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Alright, what's the new formula?
Barnaby : Well, it doesn't come in packages or bottles. You're old only when you forget you're young.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Come on, say some more.
Barnaby : Hmmm, it's a word you keep in your heart, a light you have in your eyes, someone you hold in your arms.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : My, I'm glad I'm going out with you tonight.
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Barnaby : Umph! I'm beginning to wonder if being young is all it's cracked up to be. We dream of youth. We remember it as a time of nightingales and valentines. But what are the facts? Maladjustment, near idiocy, and a series of low comedy disasters. That's what youth is. I don't see how anyone survives it.
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Barnaby : In my opinion, your opinion that it's a silly song is a silly opinion.
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Mrs. Edwina Fulton : I remember we didn't wanna share each other with anyone. You were so sweet. Remember how the telephone kept ringing for hours and hours and hours?
[doorbell rings]
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : I'll get it.
Barnaby : You see what I mean? Tonight were answering calls.
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Lois Laurel : Hi Dr Fulton.
Barnaby : Hi.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : What did you say to her?
Lois Laurel : Mrs Fulton. He said "hi".
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : I heard what he said, you peroxide kissing bug!
Barnaby : Edwina, she hasn't done anything.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : I'll pull that blonde hair out by its black roots!
Barnaby : Edwina! Now come along. Miss Laurel, you keep out of the way.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Put 'em up! Put 'em up! Put 'em up!
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Oliver Oxley : [Miss Laurel opens door] I told you I didn't want any calls.
Lois Laurel : Mr. Oxley, Dr. Linten's on the phone. I told him you were busy but he says it's very important.
Oliver Oxley : Who is he?
Lois Laurel : He...
Barnaby : He's my new assistant.
Oliver Oxley : Oh, yes. Just a moment, Miss Laurel. Find someone to type this.
Lois Laurel : Oh, Mr. Oxley, can't I try again?
Oliver Oxley : No, it's very important. Better find somebody to type it for you.
Lois Laurel : Yes, sir.
[Walks to door and closes it]
Oliver Oxley : Anybody can type.
[picks up telephone receiver]
Oliver Oxley : Who did she say was calling?
Barnaby : Dr. Linten.
Oliver Oxley : Oh, yes.
[Speaks to Dr. Linten through receiver]
Oliver Oxley : Yes, Dr. Lintel? Yes? I know he's not there. Dr. Fulton is here with me. Ye - what? Really? What sort of reactions? Why, that's amazing! We'll be right there. Come on, Barnaby. You've done better work than you know.
[Both run to door. Mr. Oxley opens door]
Oliver Oxley : Come along, Miss Laurel. It's amazing.
Barnaby : What's amazing?
Oliver Oxley : Dr. Whatchamacallit says one of your monkeys broke loose. We've got to hurry.
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Barnaby : Alright. Now say terrify.
Lois Laurel : Terrify.
Barnaby : Now say tissue.
Lois Laurel : tissue.
Barnaby : Now say them both fast together.
Lois Laurel : Terrify tissue?
Barnaby : [burst in laughs]
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Mrs. Edwina Fulton : [acting like 8 years olds after taking some of the formula]
[picks up paint brush and paints Barnaby]
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : I'll tell my mother!
Dr. Barnaby Fulton : [picks up his own paint brush and paints Edwina] Here's one for your mother.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : [gets more paint on her brush and paints Barnaby again] I'll tell Hank Entwhistle!
Dr. Barnaby Fulton : [gets more paint and paints Edwina again] Here's two for Hank Entwhistle.
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Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Don't you remember anything?
Barnaby : Well, sure, the last thing... I was scalping Hank Entwhistle.
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Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Oh, darling! Stop by the automobile agency. Mr Peabody just called and says he had a very good buy
Barnaby : A good buy? Well, good bye to you!
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Barnaby : At 11:52 this morning I took a dose of the formula,and in a few minutes, I began to behave like a college boy with 20/20 vision and no bursitis.
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Barnaby : Aw, c'mon; let's scalp him!
Little Indian : No; first, we gotta do a war dance!
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Barnaby : Do you regret not having married him?
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Look who's talking! What about Elvira Bliss?
Barnaby : Oh, for heaven's sake. Elvira Bliss. That was in grammar school.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : I know. She was the teacher.
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Barnaby : Now, Edwina, we drove all the way down here to enjoy ourselves and to pursue an important scientific experiment at the same time.
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Barnaby : [grabbing some pruning sheers] Ssh, I'm just getting these to scalp a man.
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Barnaby : [to a baby after he coos] No, no familiarities.
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Barnaby : [about the baby] We ought to find out who that is.
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Barnaby : Sodium ascorbate. 3,000 milligrams. You keep quiet Esther.
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Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Look in this front pocket. That's usually where you hide it.
Barnaby : Oh, yeah. But I don't hide it. I put it there so that I could find it. Here it is.
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Barnaby : I've just got to find a way to make it more assimilable.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Huh?
Barnaby : Assimilable?
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : More easily assimilated.
Barnaby : Oh, yeah.
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Barnaby : Hey. You know, you're alright.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : How do you like your eggs?
Barnaby : How did eggs get into the conversation?
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : You're hungry aren't you?
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Hank Entwhistle : Now look here, double dome. What's the idea of doing something tonight you can do just as well tomorrow?
Barnaby : I'll get you a drink. You'll feel better.
Hank Entwhistle : Why can't you be a genius before sundown and a human being afterwards?
Barnaby : Because I never know in advance when I'm going to be a genius.
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Barnaby : [Answering the telephone in his lab] Hello! Department of Water and Power. Which one would you like to have cut off?
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Barnaby : Edwina, imagine: people never aging.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Oh, it sounds frightening.
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Barnaby : Oh, is that a new dress?
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Mmm-hum!
Barnaby : Oh, I like that. Let me see it. I like the way it sticks out. Or, is that you?
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Well, you ought to know.
Barnaby : It isn't you.
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Barnaby : I was just thinking, it's queer about people.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : What about people?
Barnaby : Through no fault of their own they get older.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Now, that's a profound remark.
Barnaby : They get older, something happens to them.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Are you referring to me Barnaby?
Barnaby : Nah, I was thinking of the human race as a whole. It's a pretty sad group.
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Barnaby : The week after we got back from our honeymoon, the Everett Winstons invited us to a party.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : I'm sorry, darling, but I don't remember going.
Barnaby : We didn't go.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Oh, yes. Now, I remember. We stayed home. Just like tonight.
Barnaby : No, Edwina, that's what I'm talking about. We stayed home from that party for an all together different reason. Tonight we're staying home for an intellectual reason.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : I remember we didn't want to share each other with anyone. You were so sweet. Remember how the telephone kept ringing for hours and hours and hours.
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Barnaby : I've been promised a pretty good job if I can make this formula work.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Yeah, no more commercial assignments. No more working on non-skid girdles or noiseless popcorn bags.
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Lois Laurel : I'm glad we have a moment. I have something I want to show you.
Barnaby : For instance?
Lois Laurel : [hikes up her dress above her knee] Isn't it wonderful?
Barnaby : I beg your pardon?
Lois Laurel : The new non-rip plastic stockings you invented.
Barnaby : Oh! The Info-1 Acetate Project.
Lois Laurel : This is an experimental pair. The first pair out of the factory. Aren't you proud?
Barnaby : It turned out rather well.
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Barnaby : Pick a finger.
Lois Laurel : Dr. Fulton!
Barnaby : Oh, you know that one.
Lois Laurel : Yes.
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Lois Laurel : Oh, Dr. Fulton, this is fun. What about Mr. Oxley? The plants back that way.
Barnaby : I know. We're going to circle the field. So, fasten your safety belt and no smoking.
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Barnaby : I strained every muscle in my body - roller staking.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Good heavens, don't tell me you went roller skating?
Barnaby : Yeah, afraid I did.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : And your face is breaking out with red blotches.
Barnaby : Oh, they're not blotches, dear. That's lipstick!
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Oh!
Barnaby : Edwina, what I have to tell you is unbelievable!
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Yes, it is unbelievable on roller skates. Hmm - what balance.
Barnaby : I wasn't on roller skates all afternoon.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Obviously.
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Barnaby : You'd never believe what I did. I broke records.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Huh?
Barnaby : Oh, you'd a been amazed. I wish you could have been there.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Well, I wish I had been too.
Barnaby : Well, I did things that I never dreamed I do!
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Barnaby : Wouldn't you like to slow down so that we can talk?
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Who wants to talk?
Barnaby : Well, Edwina, I have to test your reactions.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Oh, Bar-ney!
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Mrs. Edwina Fulton : I suppose that Myra MacKillop was in grammar school too! And, Miriam Ingalls who you tried to teach to play golf for three years!
Barnaby : Oh, yeah, that reminds me. She's still got my putter.
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Barnaby : I've decided that the formula is the most dubious discovery since itching powder. And just about as useful.
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Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Are you in love with Miss - Whosit?
Barnaby : Of course not.
Mrs. Edwina Fulton : Well, you went smooching with her - on roller skates.
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Oliver Oxley : Now, the question is, how much cash do you want? Barnaby, I said how much cash do you want? Name any amount.
Barnaby : A zillion dollars!
Oliver Oxley : What?
G.J. Culverly : How much did he say?
Barnaby : A zillion dollars - that's a million trillion.
