Inspector Clouseau (1968)

Alan Arkin: Insp. Jacques Clouseau

Photos 

Quotes 

• Commissioner Sir Charles Braithwaite : I think it only fair to say that your being brought in on this case was not my idea.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : You are too modest.

• Inspector Jacques Clouseau : There is a time to laugh and a time not to laugh, and this is not one of them.

• Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Yes, well, life is not all shoot-shoot, bang-bang, you know.

• Inspector Jacques Clouseau : [parachuting out of a plane]  Kurosawa!

• Inspector Jacques Clouseau : My face! You've stolen my face! Give me back my face, you fiend!

• Inspector Jacques Clouseau : I shall let that pass, since you cannot possibly know whose leg it is that you are pushing.

• Reporter : Could you give us a statement please?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Yes. Chocolate makes one very thirsty.

• Inspector Jacques Clouseau : I ruin everything I touch.

  Lt. Lisa Morrel : Hey, what's the matter with you?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : [close to tears]  Arrested twice, I destroy a phone booth at a railroad station... I steal from a nun, I don't know my own face. A man comes up to me with, with my own face tied on, I don't recognize who it is. I don't... I don't deserve to have this autographed picture of Sean Connery!

  [takes a picture from back pocket and tears it apart] 

• Commissioner Sir Charles Braithwaite : You must trust no one. The viper in our bosom could be anyone.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : I suspect everyone!

  Commissioner Sir Charles Braithwaite : You will report only to me.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : And what makes you think I trust you?

• Inspector Jacques Clouseau : And now since we are becoming so chummy, perhaps you can tell me about the Great Train Robbery.

  Addison Steele : I don't know nothing!

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : He who don't know nothing, must know something, eh?

• Meg : Do you know something about machinery?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : I don't know something about machinery, I know everything about machinery.

• Lt. Lisa Morrel : Hey, what about the crooks?

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : The crooks never sleep and neither does Clouseau.

• Police despatcher : [on police radio]  That's our final report. Over and out.

  Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Roger and goodbye.

• Inspector Jacques Clouseau : [shouting]  You'll soon be laughing at the other side of my face, my friend!

• Inspector Jacques Clouseau : Anonymity is a virtue. Every fool knows that. Anonymity's next to cleanliness and I don't have to tell you what that's next to.