The Benny Hill Show (1969–1989)

Benny Hill: Various, Self - Host, Self, B.A. Baracus, John 'Hannibal' Smith, Orson Buggy

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Blanche : Drink and sex. That's what killed your uncle - drink and sex!

  Harry : Yeah. He couldn't get either, so he shot himself.

• Nicholas Parsons : Are Thames executives against attractive nude women?

  Fred Scuttle : Not as often as they'd like to be!

• Commercial voiceover : Been having late night snacks again? That's a washing up job.

  Woman Washing Dishes : [cheerfully]  Not really. You see, I use Sunbright Lemon Liquid.

  Commercial voiceover : Sunbright?

  Woman Washing Dishes : Yes. Sunbright. Makes everything so lovely and clean.

  Commercial voiceover : Clean?

  Woman Washing Dishes : Yes. It contains lemon juice.

  Commercial voiceover : Lemon Juice?

  Woman Washing Dishes : Yes, Lemon juice. That's what gives it its nice sparkle.

  Commercial voiceover : Sparkle?

  Woman Washing Dishes : Yes, sparkle. Makes everything come up lovely and fresh.

  Commercial voiceover : Fresh?

  Woman Washing Dishes : [completely irritated]  Yes, fresh, are you bloody stupid or something?

• Mervyn Cruddy : I don't care what anybody says, you know, about these common-market Romeos, for my money the greatest lover in the world is the Englishman.

  Andree Melly : Well, surely it's the Frenchman who has that reputation, the way he'll kiss a girls hand, and then her cheek, her neck, and then here ears...

  Mervyn Cruddy : By that time, the Englishman's coming home from his honeymoon, I'd say!

• Housewife : No, I'm wearing black for my poor, departed husband.

  Milkman : Oh... how long's he been gone?

  Housewife : Ten minutes. He won't be back till 1.

• Sheriff Bill Jardine : Hey, do we know Ace Dickey?

  Deputy Leroy : Yeah. Did five years for statutory rape.

  Sheriff Bill Jardine : Why now, anybody who rapes a statue deserves what he gets!

• Traveller : I say, is this Platt's Bottom?

  Toddy : No, it's not, it's mine!

  Traveller : Well, where do I find Platt's Bottom?

  Toddy : Well, you don't start from there!

  Traveller : Well, which direction is it?

  Toddy : I don't know.

  Paddy : Me neither.

  Traveller : You're not very bright, are you?

  Chirpy Chuckles : No, but we ain't lost!

• [Andree Melly talks to Mervyn Cruddy at the N.F.T] 

  Andree Melly : I think for me, the most memorable moment in films was when you played the doctor to that sick family.

  Mervyn Cruddy : "Inherit the Wind." Yes, I remember.

  Andree Melly : Opposite Margaret Lockwood's nurse . . .

  Mervyn Cruddy : That's right. Yes, I know what you're going to say, the scene in the operating theatre.

  Andree Melly : That's the scene. You kissed her when she least expected it.

  Mervyn Cruddy : I beg your pardon?

  Andree Melly : You kissed her when she least expected it.

  Mervyn Cruddy : Oh, I thought you said 'where'.

• Henry McGee : [referring to Scuttle's fellow astronaut]  How old is he?

  Captain Fred Scuttle : Fifty-eight. He's a late developer.

  Henry McGee : He looks older.

  Captain Fred Scuttle : Well, he worries a lot.

• Fanny Craddock : But first of all, we must put in just a little tiny spot of absinthe.

  Johnny Craddock : 'Cause absinthe makes the heart grow fonder!

• Director Sam Speiler : [reminiscing about an actress who was in one of his films]  Oh God, she couldn't sing, she couldn't dance, she couldn't act . . .

  Lesley Goldie : Well, what could she do?

  Director Sam Speiler : With difficulty, stand up!

• Various : A shy young maid came down to stay down at our village inn./ The bedroom light was oh so bright, the curtain oh so thin./ At nine o'clock she enters her room, at half past nine she sleeps./ Lord Clarendon walks quickly by, But naughty Samuel Pepys.

• [repeated lines, with Benny as a man with a heavy Chinese accent, and Bob Todd as an Indian gentleman who politely misunderstands almost everything] 

  Chinese Man : Don't you know the Queen's English?

  Indian Man : Oh, I'm sure she is.