What's Up, Doc? (1972)
Ryan O'Neal: Howard Bannister
Photos
Quotes
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Howard : Good morning.
Mr Kaltenborn : No, I don't think so. I'm Mr Kaltenborn, the manager of what's left of the hotel.
Howard : I'm sorry about all this whole mess here. Usually this doesn't happen.
Mr Kaltenborn : Dr Bannister, I have a message for you from the staff of the hotel.
Howard : What is it?
Mr Kaltenborn : Goodbye.
Howard : That's the entire message?
Mr Kaltenborn : We would appreciate it if you would check out.
Howard : When?
Mr Kaltenborn : Yesterday.
Howard : That soon?
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Judge Maxwell : I think I want to skip over this part, too.
Howard : That night, I went back to my room and she was in the bath.
Judge Maxwell : Who was there? No, don't tell me, just go on.
Howard : When Eunice walked in and the drapes caught fire, everything burned. They asked me to leave. I really don't blame them.
Judge Maxwell : Good boy. Is there more?
Howard : Sure.
Judge Maxwell : There's more.
Howard : Well, the next day, today, Mr. Larrabee asked me to his house with my rocks and to bring Eunice. Or rather, Burnsy, the one he thinks is Eunice. Is that clear?
Judge Maxwell : No, but it's consistent.
Howard : Shall I go back over it?
Judge Maxwell : No, please, I beg you, don't. Just go on.
Howard : It gets kind of complicated now. First, there was this trouble between me and Hugh.
Judge Maxwell : You and me?
Howard : No, not you. Hugh.
Hugh : I am Hugh.
Judge Maxwell : You are me?
Hugh : No, I am Hugh.
Judge Maxwell : Stop saying that!
[to bayliff]
Judge Maxwell : Make him stop saying that!
Hugh : Don't touch me, I'm a doctor.
Judge Maxwell : Of what?
Hugh : Music.
Judge Maxwell : Can you fix a hi-fi?
Hugh : No, sir.
Judge Maxwell : Then shut up!
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Eunice : I'm not looking for romance, Howard.
Howard : Oh?
Eunice : No, I'm looking for something more important than that, something stronger. As the years go by, romance fades and something else takes its place. Do you know what that is?
Howard : Senility?
Eunice : Trust!
Howard : That's what I meant.
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Eunice : Now, tell me how you are going to introduce yourself.
Howard : What? Oh, well, I'll probably say something like "Hello there, Mr Larrabee. I'm Howard."
Eunice : You are not.
Howard : I am not Howard.
Eunice : You are not going to say "Hi, my name's Howard." Anyone could say that! Anyone.
Howard : Anyone named Howard.
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[Howard walks into the hotel gift shop, wanders around, picks up a big rock, a souvenir of Alcatraz, and taps it with a tuning fork]
Judy : What's up, Doc?
Howard : I beg your pardon?
Judy : We've gotta stop meeting like this.
Howard : I think you're making a mistake. You see, I just came in here for something for a headache.
Judy : You're gonna need an awful big glass of water to get that down.
Howard : What? Oh no, no you see I'm a musicologist. I was just testing this specimen for inherent tonal qualities. I have this theory about early man's musical relationship to igneous rock formations. But I guess you're not really interested in igneous rock formations.
Judy : Not as much as I am in the sedimentary or metamorphic rock categories. I mean, I can take your igneous rocks or leave 'em. I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar. You can keep your Pyroxenes, magnetites and coarse grained plutonics as far as I'm concerned.
Howard : I forgot why I came in here.
Judy : Headache.
Howard : Oh, yes. Thank you. And good bye.
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[Judy and Howard have their heads under the table, Howard is trying to convince Judy to leave, Frederick joins them]
Frederick Larrabee : What's going on down here? You two just can't keep away from each other, can you?
Howard : Oh, we were just talking.
Hugh : [Joins them] Are you all right Mr Larrabee? Can I help?
Frederick Larrabee : No, it's fine, we were just chatting.
Musicologist : [Joins them] What's the matter?
Musicologist : [Joins them] Anything wrong?
Frederick Larrabee : No.
Judy : We're just testing a theory Howard has about Vocal Reverberation Under Spinal Pressure.
Professor Hosquith : [Joins them] What? Vocal Reverberation Under Spinal Pressure?
Judy : You know, V.R.U.S.P.?
Musicologist : Oh yes!
Musicologist : I think I read a monograph on that.
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Howard : What am I gonna tell Eunice?
Judy : That's the easy part. You go up to her room. She answers the door; now she will have been crying so her eyes will be all bloodshot and her nose will be all red and runny, but you look past all that. You stare purposefully into those red-rimmed, swollen eyes, and you say, "Eunice, my dear, there's been a terrible mistake. I've behaved like a cad, a bounder! But now I see everything clearly and I've decided that Judy and I are gonna put you into a home."
Howard : That is not funny!
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Eunice : [fighting off a waiter trying to restrain her] Howard! Howard Bannister! They're trying, they're trying to keep me out!
Frederick Larrabee : [to Howard] Who is that dangerously unbalanced woman?
Eunice : Howard! Howard! Tell them who I am. Tell them who I am. I *demand* that you tell them who I am right this minute.
Howard : [after a long pause] I never saw this woman before in my life.
[Eunice faints and is dragged from the room, leaving scuff marks on the floor. Judy whistles]
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Howard : Sir, I must point out to you...
Frederick Larrabee : I must point out to you that foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
Judy : Emerson!
Frederick Larrabee : I beg your pardon?
Judy : Ralph Waldo Emerson, born 1803 died 1882.
Frederick Larrabee : You like Emerson?
Judy : I adore him.
Frederick Larrabee : I adore anyone who adores Emerson.
Judy : And I adore anyone who adores anyone who adores Emerson, your turn!
Frederick Larrabee : She's a delight Bannister, a delight and you're a lucky dog.
Howard : I...
Frederick Larrabee : Admit it! Admit you're a lucky dog.
Howard : I'm a lucky dog.
Frederick Larrabee : Miss Burns, may I call you Eunice?
Howard : No!
Frederick Larrabee : What's that?
Judy : What Howard means is that back where we come from everyone calls me Burnsey.
Frederick Larrabee : Burnsey! I like that.
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Judy : I think I'll get dressed now.
Eunice : [on telephone] Howard, who was that?
Howard : Who was what?
Eunice : I heard a voice say something about getting dressed.
Howard : It's the television set, Eunice. There's a movie on - a war movie. They're getting dressed for the big battle.
Eunice : It was a woman's voice!
Howard : Yes; they're lady soldiers, Eunice. It's called "The Fighting WACs".
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Howard : Mr. Larrabee, it's a privilege to meet you. I'm Doctor Howard Bannister.
Headwaiter : And I'm your headwaiter, Rudy.
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Frederick Larrabee : We would like to hear the story that Miss Burns...
Judy : Burnsey!
Frederick Larrabee : That Burnsey...
Howard : He's calling her Burnsey.
Frederick Larrabee : That Burnsey was telling us. What was it Howard? Some incredible adventure you had on your flight here?
Howard : Yes. No.
Judy : I'm afraid my Howard is too modest to tell you the story himself. It all started when we passed the point of no return.
Howard : I think we just passed it.
Judy : One of the engines failed and the flux valve refused to disconnect. One of the pilots fainted from an over supply of fear and went into this power dive. So Howard took his rocks into the cockpit and selected two of them with a particularly high magnetic content and set up an electrically induced field pattern on the giro counter...
Howard : I'm having a nightmare.
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Howard : Eunice. Eunice. Eunice, please open the door, I have wonderful news.
Eunice : I do not want your apologies Howard. I think it is too late for that.
Howard : All right. No apologies.
Eunice : Have you no heart? I would have thought after all you have done you would come crawling for forgiveness.
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Judy : [resisting hiding on the ledge outside the window] I can't I'm terrified of heights.
Howard : There's a ledge.
Judy : I have ledge-o-phobia.
Howard : [Eunice bangs on door] Just until I can get rid of her.
Judy : I can't!
Howard : [Eunice bangs again] She's got a terrible temper!
Judy : I can't!
Howard : She studies karate.
Judy : Maybe I can.
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Howard : Sir, my name is Howard Bannister and I'm from Ames, Iowa.
Judge Maxwell : No excuse.
Howard : No, sir, it all started when I bumped my head in the taxi... on the way in from the airport.
Judge Maxwell : Are you pleading insanity or amnesia?
Howard : Neither. I went to the drugstore to get something for a headache... the druggist tried to charge me for a radio. She said her husband would pay for it. But I didn't, of course.
Judge Maxwell : Of course.
Howard : She ripped my jacket and when Eunice came along...
Judge Maxwell : Who's Eunice?
Howard : Eunice is my fiancée.
Judge Maxwell : You have a wife AND a fiancée?
Howard : No, sir. But, she kept calling me "Steve."
Judge Maxwell : Your own fiancée calls you "Steve?"
Howard : No, sir, my wife. Or rather, the one who ISN'T my wife.
Judge Maxwell : What does the one who isn't your FIANCEE call you? Howard?
Howard : No, sir, the one who isn't my fiancée doesn't call me Howard and the one who isn't my wife doesn't call me Howard because the one who isn't my fiancée is also the one who isn't my wife. The other one who ISN'T my wife, the one who IS my fiancée... she doesn't call me "Steve." She calls me Howard. Do you see?
Judge Maxwell : Let's just skip over this part, and move on.
Howard : That night at the banquet she was there again.
Judge Maxwell : Who was there, your wife or your fiancée?
Howard : Neither.
Judge Maxwell : There's a third?
Howard : No, sir, the one who isn't either. Everyone was calling her "Burnsy."
Judge Maxwell : Why?
Howard : That's short for Burns, Eunice's last name.
Judge Maxwell : Eunice WAS there.
Howard : No, sir, BURNSY was there. Or rather, the one who ISN'T Burnsy.
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Howard : I'm not repeating myself. I'm not repeating myself. Oh, God, I'm repeating myself.
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[Howard returns to his room after the dinner and starts changing into his pyjamas]
Judy : [calling from the bathroom] Hello out there.
Howard : [responding automatically] Hello.
[mutters to himself]
Judy : [calling from the bathroom] What?
[Howard runs to the bathroom and drops his pyjama trousers, Judy's taking a big bubble bath]
Judy : I believe you dropped something.
Howard : What do you think you are doing?
Judy : I think I'm taking a bath aren't I?
Howard : If you're not out of here in two minutes, I'm calling the police.
Judy : Who do you think they'll arrest? The girl in the tub or the guy with his pants down?
Howard : I am not joking now. I do not like to act rashly, but you are the last straw that breaks my camel's back, you are the plague, you bring havoc and chaos to everyone, but why to me? Why me? Why?
Judy : Because you look cute in your pyjamas, Steve.
Howard : GET OUT!
Judy : Right now?
Howard : YES!
[Judy starts to get out the bath]
Howard : No! Wait a minute!
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Howard : I am not repeating myself, I am not repeating myself... Oh God, I'm repeating myself!
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Judy : Aw come-on, Steve, you don't want to marry Eunice.
Howard : I'm not Steve. I'm Howard.
Judy : Well neither of you wants to marry Eunice.
Howard : Why do you say that?
Judy : Because you don't want to marry someone who's gonna get all wrinkled, lined, and flabby.
Howard : Everybody gets wrinkled, lined, and flabby!
Judy : By next week?
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Howard : [introducing himself to Mr. Larrabee] Mr. Priviledge, it's a Larrabee to meet you, sir. No that's not right. Anyway it's nice to see you, sir.
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Howard : See? Now the phone is ringing.
