Filthy Rich (1982–1983)

Dixie Carter: Carlotta Beck

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Quotes 

• Carlotta : Kathleen, dear, I know that impeccable taste is not your strong suit, so trust me when I tell you that cheap Mexican mosaics are entirely inappropriate as tomb décor. Unless, of course, one happens to be an Aztec.

• Carlotta : Spare us the histrionics. If sex were fast food, there'd be an arch over your bed!

• Carlotta : Marshall, will you stop that incessant wheezing?

  Marshall : Carlotta, I happen to have asthma.

  Carlotta : Well, have it somewhere else, I'm talkin'!

• Carlotta : Please, Marshall, don't make me stand in another checkout line. Not even for wholesale caviar! It's a jungle out there. Fat people overflowing their rubber shoes with unkempt hair and babies that sneeze fudgsicle juice on ya!

• [Carlotta talks on the telephone] 

  Carlotta : I don't care if it's a telethon for gum disease, just so long as I'm Chairperson and the press shows up!

• Carlotta : Kathleen, before you proceed with another of your sophomoric snit-fits, you should know I tied up all the family boxes so the Westchesters couldn't sit in them. You want Wild Bill and his little Bootsie swillin' beer and shellin' peanuts at the Philharmonic in a box with our name on it?

• Carlotta : We did let Bootsie and Wild Bill move in and they did tell George how nicely we've treated them.

  Marshall : Of course, there was that incident with the broken cellar stair, the fallen chandelier and that ugly bout with botulism.

• Carlotta : Yes, first it was difficult for me to believe that I could be related, even by marriage, to a woman who thinks the pinnacle of good taste is owning a rug with Elvis Presley's face on it.

• Carlotta : Mother B, Kathleen was married to Big Guy after your divorce.

  Mother B : Oh. Well, just don't forget to put out after dinner!

• Carlotta : Really, Stanley, who ever heard of toasting with a soft drink?

  Stanley : Well, Carlotta, I drink this 'cause I'm proud. I'm a Pepper.

• Carlotta : Stanley, until you have managed to transcend your impertinent and incredibly obnoxious James-Dean-period, I prefer that you address me only through my attorney.

• Carlotta : Kathleen, dear, I suggest you stay out of this or I will verbally annihilate you. I will cut you off at the knees. I will take that two-cent accent and perfectly coiffed hairdo and stuff it down your demurely concealed, but nevertheless dime store cleavage!

  Marshall : You know, Carlotta, you would have made a great ranch foreman on Big Valley.

• Carlotta : If you refuse to pay servants, you leave us no choice but to adopt small, pliant children from underprivileged countries.

• Carlotta : Were you aware, Marshall, that there is no valet parking at K-Mart?

  Marshall : No, I wasn't.

  Carlotta : Then you also probably did not know that people look real stupid driving their own limousines!

• Marshall : Carlotta, is it my fault my daddy passed away and tied up all our money? Am I to be endlessly punished and unmercifully criticized because he's forced us to live with his illegitimate son and ten-cent wife?

  Carlotta : Yes, I want you hurt!

• Marshall : What is that, anyway?

  Carlotta : A Dukes of Hazzard belt-buckle. I don't know what got into me. Bootsie said it was the special of the day. Everyone was buying it; there was only one left. I became confused and forced it out of a small child's hand!

• Kathleen : Really, Carlotta, you should learn how to rub elbows with the little people more often. After all, this country was built on the common man.

  Carlotta : Yes, not unlike your reputation.

• Kathleen : Anyway, I just came by to tell you some fantastic news.

  Carlotta : Have you decided to move away, change your name and never contact us again as long as you shall live?

  Kathleen : No.

  Carlotta : Then you do not have fantastic news.

• Kathleen : Why, even Bootsie says....

  Carlotta : If you don't mind, Kathleen, we prefer not to seriously consider the opinion of a woman whose dog wears hot pants.

• Kathleen : Why can't I make fun of Bootsie and Wild Bill, just like y'all do?

  Carlotta : Because you're not good enough.

• Wild Bill : Now suppose we're having one of these fancy meals and you latch onto a piece of gristle. Do you spit that sucker out or swaller it or what?

  Carlotta : We do not serve gristle!

• Mother B : Didn't you get my message?

  Carlotta : What message?

  Mother B : That I had run away from the nursing home. I'm gonna live with you guys!

• Marshall : Carlotta, what do you want me to do, throw my own mother out in the street?

  Carlotta : Yes.

• Carlotta : Mother B. is totally unpredictable. There's no telling what she might do in front of that man.

  Marshall : Carlotta's right. She went to a political banquet and accused the governor of tryin' to steal a folding chair.

  Carlotta : Not to mention that time at the airport, she got a hold of a microphone and announced that TWA was out of toilet paper!

• Bootsie : We celebrate everything. First date, first kiss, first....

  Carlotta : We get the picture. Our only regret is that we did not have time to purchase an appropriate gift. Perhaps a silver platter with rabbits on it.

• Carlotta : I have to wonder what heinous, long-forgotten misdeed we could have committed that would merit our being saddled with a woman who wears NASA space shuttle earrings.

• Kathleen : I just had the most fantastic idea. I've decided to bust up the Westchester marriage.

  Carlotta : Oh, did you finally run out of couples in your own group?

• Carlotta : I'm afraid I'd have to seduce Wild Bill. It's something that I would find disgusting and repugnant. But after all, I am young, voluptuous, and irresistible. And if that's what it takes to get them out of here once and for all, then I am prepared to make the sacrifice!

• Kathleen : Well, we're certainly not going to send a woman with a mustache to do the job.

  Carlotta : Oh, that's right. You don't have one, do you? When you were coming down the assembly line, they said: "Hold the hair on this one, piano legs will be quite enough!"

• Marshall : How do you know I'm not her type?

  Carlotta : Because Bootsie Westchester's taste in men ranges from King Kong to Lil' Abner and unfortunately you do not fall into that category!

• Kathleen : I'm sorry to bust in, but you'll never believe what just happened.

  Carlotta : Don't tell us! Random House has decided to publish your autobiography, "I Was an Elementary School Virgin."

• Carlotta : Kathleen, before you start counting the rings around my trunk, I think you should thank your lucky stars that a cheap, parasitic slug, such as yourself, is allowed even to cohabitate under the same roof with a woman of my caliber and credentials.

• Kathleen : Well, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

  Carlotta : How I hate it when she pummels us with clever repartee.

• Wild Bill : I don't exactly know how to say this in front of a lady, but she - she tried to bust into my britches.

  Carlotta : I'm glad you kept it tasteful.

• Carlotta : Anyway, Stanley, you're independently wealthy. You don't need any more cash. I, on the other hand, am just a step away from turning these drapes into a dress!

• Carlotta : Marshall found the name and phone number of Big Guy's attorney in Bootsie's address book.

  Marshall : I couldn't help it. It was lyin' open in her purse.

• Carlotta : Mark my words, Stanley, you cannot go around giving away wealth to people who've never had it. It just makes 'em more greedy.

  Marshall : That's right. Like those people in the Salvation Army at Christmas time. You give one of 'em a nickel; on the next block will be another one shaking the same stupid bell.

• Marshall : Just keep smilin', Carlotta. Let it seem as though we're havin' the time of our lives.

  Carlotta : I am smilin', Marshall. Someday this nightmare will be over. You and I will have all the money and these people will be tied to mules, working in our fields.