Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988)

Michael Caine: Lawrence Jamieson

Photos 

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Quotes 

• [Sitting at the dinner table] 

  Freddy Benson : Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom first?

  Lawrence Jamieson : Of course you may.

  Freddy Benson : [after a pause, and with relief]  Thank you.

• Lawrence Jamieson : Freddy, as a younger man, I was a sculptor, a painter, and a musician. There was just one problem: I wasn't very good. As a matter of fact, I was dreadful. I finally came to the frustrating conclusion that I had taste and style, but not talent. I knew my limitations. We all have our limitations, Freddy. Fortunately, I discovered that taste and style were commodities that people desired. Freddy, what I am saying is: know your limitations. You are a moron.

• [Ruprecht is mauling Lawrence's new girlfriend] 

  Lawrence Jamieson : Ruprecht, do you want the genital cuff?

• Lawrence Jamieson : A poacher who shoots at rabbits may scare big game away.

• Lawrence Jamieson : Do you ever have a single thought that originates from above the waist?

  Freddy Benson : No!

• Freddy Benson : [omitted from the profit distribution]  Excuse me. What about me? What do I get?

  Lawrence Jamieson : You are the student. You get knowledge.

• Lawrence Jamieson : You've been banging on your pots again, haven't you? I've told you... if you keep on doing it, you won't have any pots left

• Freddy Benson : Of all the lousy... She is disgusting. She is lying. She is deceitful. She is two-faced. She is conniving, and she is dishonest!

  Lawrence Jamieson : Heh, heh, heh... Yes... Isn't she wonderful?

• Freddy Benson : Listen. We're the weaker sex. Men don't live as long as women. We get more heart attacks, more strokes, more prostate trouble. I say it's time for a change. I say let them give us money. Let's live off them for a while. That probably shocks a guy like you, right?

  Lawrence Jamieson : Well, it's rather a revolutionary thought.

• Freddy Benson : I look great, don't I? I know the moves!

  Lawrence Jamieson : Yes, Freddy. You're ready.

• Lawrence Jamieson : Don't worry, Ruprecht. We won't go anywhere without you.

  Freddy Benson : [pretending to be Ruprecht]  Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma!

  Lawrence Jamieson : [to the rich Lady from Oklahoma]  He'll enjoy Oklahoma's wide-open spaces. He loves to run and run and run.

  Freddy Benson : Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma!

• Freddy Benson : Of all the lousy - She is disgusting! She is lying! She is deceitful! She is two-faced! She is conniving and she is dishonest!

  Lawrence Jamieson : Yes. Isn't she wonderful?

• [first lines] 

  Lady with Pearls : Your Highness, please allow me to make this little contribution.

  Lawrence Jamieson : No, I cannot accept them.

  Lady with Pearls : But think of what these could do for your cause.

  Lawrence Jamieson : Even though I know those pearls would mean freedom for many of my people, I will not take them.

  Lady with Pearls : Please. Please! These could save the lives of many men.

  Lawrence Jamieson : The men of my country are proud. They would die rather than have their Prince accept charity.

  Lady with Pearls : Then think of the lives of the women, the mothers.

  Lawrence Jamieson : The women of my country fight alongside the men. They are also too proud to accept charity.

  Lady with Pearls : Then consider the lives of the children. The innocent children.

  Lawrence Jamieson : But - for the children.

  [Lawrence accepts the pearls] 

• Inspector Andre : She's the blonde in the blue sequined dress. Extremely rich, very married, eminently corruptible and a willing infidel.

  Lawrence Jamieson : Perfect.

• Freddy Benson : Look what I did in the dining car! She gave me 100 francs. That's like, uh, 20 bucks! Do you have any idea what it feels like to take a woman for 20 bucks?

  Lawrence Jamieson : No, I haven't. I'm afraid it's a little out of my class.

• Lawrence Jamieson : Well, the Jackal has finally tucked his tail between his legs and crawled away.

• Lawrence Jamieson : Freddy. This is really very serious. They don't treat gigolos lightly in France.

  Freddy Benson : What do you mean?

  Lawrence Jamieson : Until 75 years ago, they were still castrating them.

• Freddy Benson : Larry.

  Lawrence Jamieson : Lawrence.

• Lawrence Jamieson : All right. Cuddly-cuddly.

• Lawrence Jamieson : I have wonderful news. Miss Trumble and I are going to be married. And we are going to live in Oklahoma.

  Freddy Benson : Really?

• Janet Colgate : You heard that awful story about his girlfriend and the dancer. How did that make you feel?

  Lawrence Jamieson : It made me physically sick.

• Freddy Benson : Oh, come on! She's keeping the mink. I mean, if we take her for everything, she still comes out with a very very nice mink.

  Lawrence Jamieson : Freddy, the women I deal with are carefully screened. They're wealthy and corrupt. I never take advantage of the poor or the virtuous.

• Lawrence Jamieson : It seems the teacher has underestimated the student.