Diggin' Up Business (1990)

Raymond Davis: Mr. Coats

Quotes 

• Mrs. Shlumsky : Ah! May I help you?

  Mr. Coats : Oh my yes, indeed, I would hope so, yes. Um, my name is Miles Coats and - this is my day off, you see - and I was just doing a little price comparison.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Uh-huh.

  Mr. Coats : Now, I'm not looking for anything fancy.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : I understand. We here at the Papadapacropolis Funeral Home take the worry out of the unfortunate arrangements. We're here to serve you.

  Mr. Coats : That's very nice. Do you have a crematorium?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Certainly!

• Mrs. Shlumsky : Shop around, you'll not find more reasonable rates anywhere. And there are no hidden fees for urns or gravestones that you might find at at a competitively-priced mortuary. No reasonable offer will be refused. Is the deceased a relative?

  Mr. Coats : Uh, no, she's my wife. Exactly how long does it take to completely ignite a human body?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Not long. Depends if you use starter fluid or not. What was your wife's name?

  Mr. Coats : Uh, Sable Coats. I suppose all fluids... boil right out of the body?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Pardon?

  Mr. Coats : Well, you know, saliva, blood... cyanide.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Not sure I take your meaning.

  Mr. Coats : Well, that is to say autopsies are not, as practice, performed on ashes, are they?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Oh, no, not as such.

  [Coats appears upset] 

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Are you able to continue, Mr Coats?

  Mr. Coats : It's as if...

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Part of her died with you, I know. Social security number.

  Mr. Coats : She was in such pain, though. I'm just sure that she's...

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Happier now, I'm sure. Visa or Mastercard?

  Mr. Coats : Would cash be okay?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Certainly. Cause of death?

  Mr. Coats : Um... suicide.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Would you like to make the arrangements now, Mr Coats?

  Mr. Coats : Well, I'd like a little time to think it over.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Of course. here's our price list. I do hope you'll think of us when you make the decision.

  Mr. Coats : Oh, I will, yes indeed, I will. Thank you so much, thank you.

• Mr. Coats : Yes! I did it! I killed her! Haha! You would have done the same! Yes, that's right! Those pork rinds, those damn pork rinds, twenty-four hours a day! Yes! I feel I've done a service to humanity! There isn't a jury in the world that can convict me! Yeah, look at this!

  [he pulls out an embalmed cat] 

  Mr. Coats : Whoops, wrong door.

• Sable Coats : Miles dearest, did you register us?

  Mr. Coats : No, Sable dear, they didn't have a pool.

  Sable Coats : Well Miles, I don't want to stay in another fleabag hotel. It's a first-rate motor hotel or you will never hear the end of it. Don't they have something like a Howard Johnson's in this two-bit town?

  Mr. Coats : I only want the best for you. After all, it is our anniversary.

  Sable Coats : Don't remind me. You know, frankly I don't give a rat's snot about our anniversary. But I am running low on pork rinds. Do you think we could stop at the next restaurant supply? You know they're cheaper by the case.

  Mr. Coats : Don't worry, kitten. I'll take care of everything..