Memorable quotes for
Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) More at IMDb Pro »

Mrs. Doubtfire: My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flashes.

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Daniel: Wow, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air?
Tony: Not exactly.
Daniel: What do I do?
Tony: Well you take all these cans, you box 'em, you ship 'em. Then you take those cans over there, ship them, then more will come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?
Daniel: After you box them...?
Tony: You ship 'em. Lotsa luck, smartass.
Daniel: I think I made a friend.

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Mrs. Doubtfire: [after being introduced to Natalie] I admire that honesty, Natalie, that's a noble quality. Never lose that, because it often disappears with age, or entering politics.

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Mrs. Doubtfire: What a lovely home you have. Did you decorate this yourself?
Miranda: Yes, I did.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, it reeks of taste!

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[at the pool]
Stu: Your day's on me, Mrs Doubtfire. Anything you need, just put on my tab, okay?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, thank you dear.
[Stu leaves]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Touch me again, and I'll drown you, you bastard.

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[at the pool]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Not a single body that exists in nature, look at that
Lydie: [looks askance at Mrs. Doubtfire]
Mrs. Doubtfire: [in a threatening tone] Lydie.

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Miranda: [describes the benefits of having Mrs. Doubtfire] We're all doing so great.
Daniel: Sounds like an amazing woman; too good to be true.

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Daniel: [Discussing the boring children's show] What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air of twenty-five years?
Jonathan Lundy: Me.
[introductions, ending with:]
Daniel: I'm Daniel Hillard, former employee.

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Lou: Daniel, that line was not in the script. Why did you add it?
Daniel: I thought I should comment on the situation.
Lou: What situation?
Daniel: The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible.
Lou: This is a cartoon. Not a freakin' Oprah Winfrey special.
Daniel: Lou, millions of children see this cartoon, it's like sending each of them a pack of cigarettes and saying "light up."

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Natalie: We're his goddamn kids too.
[Miranda gives Daniel a look]
Daniel: Heh heh, kids say the darnedest things.
Miranda: Any other choice phrases you'd like to teach our five year old?

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[at the taping of a children's show]
Daniel: They should have a disclaimer that says "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery While Watching This Show". Incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. Amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mister Rogers look like Mick Jagger.

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Daniel: Can I see the ad? Come on, Miranda, let me see the ad, I have a right as their father.
Miranda: Anything else I can show you?
Daniel: Are you offering?
Miranda: Not any more.
Daniel: What's the change?

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[Frank is making Daniel's woman costume]
Daniel: Not working. Need to grow older.
Frank: Older? You mean like Shelley Winters older or Shirley MacLaine older?
Daniel: What's the difference?
Frank: Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.

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Daniel: Don't tell me not to live just sit and putta. Life's candy and the sun's a bowl of butta. Don't bring around the cloud to rain on my parade.
Daniel: It's not working. I need to go older.
Frank: Older? You mean like a Shelly Winters older, or Shirly McClain older?
Daniel: What's the difference?
Frank: Some scotch tape and red hair dye!
Daniel: What about Joan Collins?
Frank: Oh, I don't think I have the strength.
Daniel: All right.
Frank: But, I have some plaster.

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Frank: Daniel, Hi.
Daniel: Could you make me a woman?
Frank: Honey, I'm so happy!
Frank: Oh, come here.
Daniel: I knew you'd understand.
Frank: Yeah.
Daniel: This gonna hurt?
Jack: Don't whine; just relax.
Daniel: Are you sure?
Jack: Just remember pain is beauty. Okay, here we go. Take a deep breath. Instant eyelift!
Daniel: Whoa!
Frank: And you'll never see the strings; they'll be under the wig.
Jack: Huh? The man has 5 o'clock shadow at 8:30 AM and you're worried about strings?
Frank: All right, we'll start with makeup.
Daniel: I'm not gonna wax.
Frank: Don't worry we'll just lightly Spackle.
Daniel: I feel like Gloria Swanson!
Frank: You look like her mother.
Daniel: I'm ready for my close-up Mr. DeMille!
Frank: Okay everyone, let's pray!

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Daniel: I hope you are using Jungle Red, because that is the only color I love.
Jack: Mmm. Matches your lips.
Daniel: God bless you.
Daniel: You know I'm feeling fabulous, because I met this beautiful Cuban.
Jack: Mmm, hmm.
Daniel: Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.
Jack: Ah?
Daniel: I can't lie to you it's beautiful with him.
Jack: Mmm...
Daniel: I don't know. This will scare the children. Do you think so?
Daniel: I don't know, maybe this is too much for them?
Frank: I think we'll have to go to the next level, latex.

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Daniel: Oi, it was such a shandel. I should never by gribines from a moil; it's so chewy!
Daniel: No, oh no, I feel like Bubby. This is not working.
Frank: You know this isn't working, but don't worry it's a work in progress. And you're my brother. I will never let you be embarrassed.
Daniel: God bless you.
Frank: I think we're going to have to do the entire face.
Daniel: But look at this nice thing though we have here.
Daniel, Frank, Jack: Matchmaker, Matchmaker make me a match. Find me a find, catch me a catch.

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Cop: Ma'am, are you aware that it's against the law to possess animals of a barnyard nature in a residential area?
Miranda: What if you're married to one?

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Miranda: I bring home a birthday cake and a few gifts; you bring home the Goddamn San Diego Zoo and I have to clean up after it.

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Natalie: We're in the middle of Charlotte's Web. Who's gonna finish it?
Daniel: Grandma can finish it for you.
Natalie: But she's not as good. She doesn't do the voices, and she smells funny.
Daniel: That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.

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Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire.
Mrs. Doubtfire: What?
Miranda: You're going into the men's room.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Huh? Oh, so I am. I do need new glasses.

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Daniel: How about we take a vacation, take the kids, get you away from work, you'll see that you're a different person. You are. You're great.
Miranda: But our problems would be waiting for us when we got back.
Daniel: Well we'll move, and hopefully our problems won't follow us.
Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke. We're far apart. We're different. We have nothing in common.
Daniel: Sure we do. We love each other... We love each other... Don't we?
Miranda: I want a divorce.

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Mrs. Doubtfire: Can you help me with something, I found this outside.
[holds up Mercedes hood ornament]
Stu: Yes, this is off my Mercedes.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Off your Mercedes, dear, you own that big expensive car out there? Oh, dear. Well, they say a man who has to buy a big car like that is trying to compensate for smaller genitals.

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Mrs. Doubtfire: The only thing you'll be watching is deep CNN.

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[a fancy swimming pool]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Isn't this posh? I'll bet it's very exclusive, probably need a credit reference just to get in the pool.

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Daniel: I got off early.
Lydie: You mean you got fired?
Daniel: No, I quit. For reasons of conscience.
Lydie: Actors.
Daniel: [to his son] Hey dude! Congratulations on your twelfth birthday, all right! Got a surprise for you!
Chris: Ooh, a stripper?
Daniel: No, please!
Chris: *Two* strippers?
Daniel: Haw, boy!

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Daniel: Could you make me a woman?
Frank: Honey, I'm so happy.

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Daniel: [Asking about making his woman costume look older] How about Joan Collins?
Frank: I don't think I have the strength. But I do have some plaster.

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[Trying to get false teeth out of glass]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Carpe dentum. Seize the teeth.

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Daniel: Ever wish you could freeze frame a moment in your day, and look at it and say "this is not my life"?

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Mrs. Doubtfire: You see that Nattie, that's called liposuction.

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Mrs. Doubtfire: [hits Stu with a lime, then accuses "Some angry member of the kitchen staff"] It was a run-by fruiting.

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Stu: What can I say? The guy's a loser. I'll see ya.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Loser? Oh, yeah.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, sir. I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff, Did you not tip them?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, the terrorists! They run that way. It was a run-by fruiting. I'll get them sir. Don't worry. Good waste of juice.

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Mrs. Dupree: I don't do laundry, I don't do windows, I don't do carpets, I don't do bathtubs, I don't do toilets, I don't do diapers...
Miranda: Um, my children have been potty-trained for quite some time.
Mrs. Dupree: Well, I don't do washing, I don't do basements, I don't do dinners, and I don't do reading!

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Mrs. Doubtfire: Don't *fuss* with me.

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Mrs. Sellner, The Social Worker: Oh, by the way. Do you have any special skills?
Daniel: Oh, yes, I do. I do voices.
Mrs. Sellner, The Social Worker: What do you mean, you do voices?
Daniel: [German accent] Well, I do voices...
Daniel: [as evangelist] Yes!
Daniel: [as martian] We've come to this planet looking for intelligent life. Oops, we made a mistake.
Daniel: [as Russian immigrant] Happy to be in America. Don't ask for a green card.
Daniel: [as monster] I want you in the worst way.
Daniel: [as Groucho Marx] Well this is certainly a rough meeting and it's not going very well for me, I'll tell you that.
[as Chico Marx]
Daniel: Hey boss, give her a chance. She's gonna loosen up any moment.
Daniel: [as Sean Connery] Look at me right now, Moneypenny, I want to undo that bow and get to know you.
Daniel: [as a used-car salesman] I'll be crazy to make a deal with you!
Daniel: [as Ronald Reagan] Nancy and I are still looking for the other half of my head.
Daniel: [as Walter Brennan] This is it! Yes, I'm doing it! I'm sitting on a gold mine!
Daniel: [as Humphrey Bogart] Don't make me smack you, sweetheart. I'll do it.
Daniel: [as Pudgie] Figaro!
Daniel: [normal voice] I do a great impression of a hot dog.
[leans back straight, trying to keep a straight face]
Mrs. Sellner, The Social Worker: Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?
Daniel: I used to. There was a time when I found myself funny, but today you have proven me wrong. Thank you.

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Mrs. Doubtfire: [after monkey jumps up and scares her] Ooooh you wicked, wicked monkey!

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Lou: You can't put words in Pudgy's mouth if his mouth isn't moving.
Daniel: Well, it's a voice-over. An interior monologue. Maybe even the voice of God, that's even better.
[as God]
Daniel: No, Pudgy, don't smoke!
Lou: Actors.
Daniel: What? Well let's ask the technicians. Do you think its morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America?
[the three technicians are smoking. One man shrugs]
Daniel: They're biased. That's a mistrial.
Lou: Daniel listen to me, this session is costing the studio thousands of dollars. Now if you want a paycheck, you stick to the script. If you wanna play Gandhi, then do it on somebody else's time.
Daniel: [imitating Gandhi] Then I've got to do what I've got to do.
Lou: That's very funny. Where the hell are you going? Hey listen buddy, I'll tell you something, if you leave, you're not getting back in. I'm not taking any crap from you, pal.
Daniel: Well, in the words of Porky Pig, "Pi pi pi pi pi piss off, Lou."

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Miranda: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?
Daniel: Uh - huh
Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?
Daniel: I was in a band, 'Severe Tire Damage.'
Miranda: In a band?
Daniel: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need like, a few light slams every now and then?
Miranda: Umm, I'll have to get back to you.
Daniel: Waaaaow

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Miranda: Hello
Daniel: [as a Redneck] Ahhh! Layla, get back in your cell! Don't make me get the hose!
Daniel: [Sweet voice] Hello?

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Daniel: [Spanish accent] I am job.
Miranda: Do you speak English?
Daniel: I am job!
Miranda: I'm sorry, the position has been filled.

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[the kids finding out their father is Mrs. Doubtfire]
Lydie: Who did this?
Daniel: Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack.

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Frank: [on the phone with his mother and gets sidetracked by a man mask Jack is making] Enough already, it's a man.
Jack: How would you know?
Frank: Bitch.
Evelyn Hillard: This is your mother you're talking to.
Frank: [interrupting] No Ma, not you, I was talking about the dog.

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Miranda: The whole time? I mean the whole time? I have to go. I have to go.

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Katie: Dear Mrs. Doubtfire, two months ago my mom and dad decided to separate. Now they live in different houses. My brother Andrew says that we aren't to be a family anymore. Is this true? Did I lose my family? Is there anything I can do to get my parents back together? Sincerely, Katie McCormick.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh my dear Katie. You know some parents, when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other anymore, doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country - and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months.. even years at a time. But if there's love, dear.. those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you poppit, you're going to be alright. ..bye bye.

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Daniel: Hello, my name is Ilsa Immelmann. And I want to know, how many children do you have?
Miranda: I have two girls and a boy.
Daniel: Ah, a boy. I don't work with the males, because I used to be one.
[Miranda hangs up the phone]
Miranda: Yikes.

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Daniel: I feel like Gloria Swanson.
Frank: You look like her mother.
Daniel: I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

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Frank: [Daniel's Mrs. Doubtfire mask has been run over by a truck] Would you be careful with this one? She's an old woman.
[Daniel leaves]
Frank: Why wasn't I an only child?

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[referring to her deceased husband]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Poor Winston's idea of foreplay was,"Effie, brace yourself."

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Mrs. Doubtfire: Sink the sub. Hide the weasel. Park the porpoise. A bit of the old Humpty Dumpty, Little Jack Horny, the Horizontal Mambo, hmm? The Bone Dancer, Rumpleforeskin, Baloney Bop, a bit of the old Cunning Linguistics?
Stu: Mrs. Doubtfire, please.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh I'm sorry, am I being a little graphic? I'm sorry. Well, I hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.

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[Mrs. Doubtfire is trying to discourage Miranda's new suiter]
Mrs. Doubtfire: I hope you bring cocktail sauce. She's got the crabs dear and I don't mean Dungeness.

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Daniel: [to the toy dinosaurs] Take five. Take five million. You're dead.

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[a mugger is trying to steal Mrs. Doubtfire's purse]
Mrs. Doubtfire: [masculine voice] Back off asshole! Beat it!
[back to feminine voice]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Broke my bag, the bastard!

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Miranda: Hello?
Daniel: I am job.
Miranda: I beg your pardon?
Daniel: I... am... job.
Miranda: Do you speak English?
Daniel: I am job!
Miranda: Sorry, the position has been filled.
[hangs up]
Miranda: Hello?
Daniel: [Daniel screams and then shouts in a Southern US accent, as if he was a prison warden] Leyla, get back in your cell. Don't make me get the hose!
[in soft English voice]
Daniel: Hello?
[hangs up]

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Mrs. Doubtfire: I can hip-hop, be-bop, dance till ya drop, and yo yo yo, make a mean cup of coco.

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Daniel: [as fake ad respondent] So, are your kids well behaved or do they need like a couple of light slams every now and then?

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Chris: You don't really like wearing that stuff, do you Dad?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Well, some of it's comfortable. No!

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Miranda: What happened?
Mrs. Doubtfire: He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him.
Miranda: He was an alcoholic?
Mrs. Doubtfire: No, he was hit by a Guinness truck

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Lydie: This is exploitation. It's not fair!
Natalie: Shut up, Lydie.

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Miranda: Are you ok?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, I thought I saw Clint Eastwood, that would make my day! He is such a stud muffin!

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Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, as I hold this cold meat, I'm reminded of Winston.

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[Frank is on the phone with his mother. He covers the mouthpiece to speak to Daniel]
Frank: She wants to know if you want to stay with her.
Daniel: No way!
Frank: [uncovers mouthpiece] He says he'll think about it, Ma.

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[after seeing "Mrs. Doubtfire" peeing while standing up]
Chris: Lydia! We gotta call the cops! We gotta dial 911 now!
Lydie: Why?
Chris: [stammering] Mrs. Doubtfire! He's a she! She's a he! He's a she-she.
Lydie: What?
Chris: He's half-man, half-woman.
Lydie: [screams] What?

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Mrs. Sellner, The Social Worker: Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?
Daniel: I used to. There was a time, when I found myself funny. But today, you have proven me wrong. Thank you!

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[as he takes his blouse and bra off]
Daniel: [to Mrs. Sellner] I'd just like to keep you abreast of what's been going on. There have been two big developments in my career.

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[after Daniel has lost his mask]
Mrs. Sellner, The Social Worker: Can I give you need a hand?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, no dear, I don't need a hand.
Daniel: [back to Daniel] I need a face.

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Mrs. Doubtfire: As you can see, I can't stay with you, dear. I'm melting like a snow cone in Phoenix.

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Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, I must look like a yeti in this getup!

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Maitre D': Smoking or non-smoking?
Stu: Non-smoking.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Smoking!

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Daniel: [rapping and playing with Dinosaur toys] I'm a Raptor, Doin' what I can, gonna eat everything 'til the appearance of man. Yo yo baby I'm livin' below the soil, I'll be back but i'm comin' as oil

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Daniel: In the name of Porky Pig, Ya-ba-deeb-a-deeb-a-deeb-a-dee, piss off, Lou.

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Jonathan Lundy: Daniel?
Daniel: Hmm?
Jonathan Lundy: Are you wearing ladies' perfume?
Daniel: Yes I am.
Jonathan Lundy: Are you wearing lipstick?
Daniel: Yeah.
Jonathan Lundy: Why?
Daniel: [trying to think of an excuse] ... Girl I used to date, on the way to the bathroom, couldn't keep her hands off me.

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Jonathan Lundy: [after Daniel tells him about an ex in the dining staff] Does your girlfriend have a girlfriend?
Daniel: Hey, it is the 90's!

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Mrs. Doubtfire: [on the show] Oh a visitor! Who can it be and do we have enough time?
[opens the door and finds the mailman]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Look kids, it's Mister Sprinkles.

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Daniel: [as Mr. Rogers] Hello boys and girls, today we're going to talk about dinosaurs. It's a dinosaurs line!
[sings fanfair]
Daniel: And now ladies and gentlemen, the King.
[hums tune and imitates Elvis with a T-Rex]
Daniel: Hey thank you, I'm going to make you lunch, thank you. Okay now put your claws together for James Brontosaurus! Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada, it tastes good, dad dada no meat, big feat, I eat wood, pum pum pum! Oh I can't go on, can't go on! Now it's time for the Raptor rap. Yo I'm a Raptor doing what I can gonna eat everything till the appereance of man. Yo yo yo, see me, I'm living bellow the soil, I'll be back but I'm coming as oil!

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Daniel: [with German Accent] Yes my name Elsa Emmermuff and I want to know how many children do you have?
Miranda: I have two girls and a boy.
Daniel: Ah a boy. I don't work with the males because I used to be one.
Miranda: [hangs up] Yikes!

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Lydie: Alright, freeze, or you're gonna get it.
Chris: In the balls.
Lydie: Yeah.
[to Chris]
Lydie: She's got everything?
Chris: Everything.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Alright, listen and listen good, I'm not who you think I am.
Chris: Yeah, no shit.
Daniel: [returns to his regular voice] Watch your mouth, young man!

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Daniel: The newspaper? Ah. Are you taking one-of-those personal ads: DWF seeks WWM with BMW into light B & D?

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