The 5 Mrs. Buchanans (1994–1995)

Harriet Sansom Harris: Vivian Buchanan

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mother Buchanan : I hear that Delilah is unhappy... and an unhappy Delilah makes an unhappy Charles... and an unhappy Charles makes an unhappy Mother Buchanan.

  Vivian : And a happy Mother Buchanan would look like...?

  Mother Buchanan : You may never know, Vivian.

• [Looking through a photo album.] 

  Mother Buchanan : That's one of me when I was young.

  Bree : Why is it so blurry?

  Vivian : They had just invented film.

• Vivian : [shouting off-stage]  Lyndon! P.J.! Stop it! I'm warning you! If you misbehave in church, Jesus won't love you anymore!

  [to her sisters-in-law] 

  Vivian : Please don't tell anyone I said that.

• [On surrogate motherhood.] 

  Vivian : Oh, look, I love Delilah. If she'd asked to borrow money, fine. Borrow my car? Sure. But I'm sorry, my uterus is off limits!

• Vivian : Alex, did you buy one of those hideous trolls people put on their front lawn?

  Alex : Of course not!

  Vivian : Oh. In that case, I think Mother Buchanan's here for a visit.

• Jesse Buchanan : [Introducing his fiancé]  Isn't she great? I met her on vacation last month at Disneyland. She worked there.

  Vivian : Somehow I sensed that.

  Bree : Actually, I worked at Disneyland for over seven years.

  Delilah : No surprise there either.

• Delilah : She implied that I wear too much make-up.

  Vivian : Well actually, Delilah, three layers of base is probably sufficient.

• Bree : And you must be Vivian!

  Vivian : C'est moi.

  Bree : [to her husband]  You didn't tell me she was Mexican!

  Vivian : Well, let's get this fiesta over with.

• Delilah : I just wish I understood why Jesse was rushing into this marriage. There's no reason for it.

  Vivian : People, please. There is only one explanation.

  Alex : What's that?

  [Vivian pantomimes being pregnant] 

  Delilah : His fiancee is a mime?

• Vivian : Alex, I want to thank you again for letting me bring the twins by here tonight... you ever need a favor, just ask.

  Alex : Actually, I do. Could you ask the twins not to play on my brand new patio furniture?

  Vivian : Of course.

  [turns off-screen, shouting] 

  Vivian : Lyndon! P.J.! If you won't stop jumping on that chaise longue, you're gonna break it! And you know you're Aunt Alex doesn't have a lot of nice things!

  [turns back to Alex, smiles sweetly] 

• Vivian : Oh my God, Alex. The twins have gotten hold of your cat.

  Alex : Why do they have her blindfolded?

  Vivian : They're playing "International Terrorist" again. It's a little game they made up.

  [turns off-screen, shouting] 

  Vivian : Lyndon! P.J.! What have I told you about taking animals hostage?! Let her go... What?... I don't care if your demands haven't been met yet, let the kitty go!