The 5 Mrs. Buchanans (1994–1995)

Judith Ivey: Alex Buchanan

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alex : [to Mother Buchanan, emerging from the restroom]  That was awfully quick.

  Mother Buchanan : I changed my mind. Obviously, you didn't get a chance to clean in there. I'll just wait 'til I get to a Texaco.

• Vivian : Alex, did you buy one of those hideous trolls people put on their front lawn?

  Alex : Of course not!

  Vivian : Oh. In that case, I think Mother Buchanan's here for a visit.

• Mother Buchanan : Hello. May I come in?

  Alex : Wouldn't it be easier to just huff and puff and blow the house down?

• Alex : [pulling Mother Buchanan aside]  Now you listen to me, old woman, and you listen good: There is a real big chance that some time in the future, you are going to be sick, possibly very sick; and while you're lying in the hospital kept alive only by a machine, the doctor is going to come to my husband and say, "Her chances don't look good. Should I pull the plug or not?" Roy, of course, will be too grief-stricken to make that decision, so it will fall upon me to decide whether you live or die. How you act as Bree is opening Delilah's shower gift will greatly influence what I say to that doctor. Got it?

  Mother Buchanan : [nods; Bree opens the gift]  Oh! A Mr. Waffle!

• Female costumer : Excuse me. Is this bracelet real jade?

  Alex : Ma'am, this is a thrift store. The tag on that bracelet says $1.50. It comes with a matching mood ring. What do you think?

  Female costumer : I don't know.

  Alex : Yes, it's real.

• [Mother Buchanan enters with a large plush stuffed animal in each arm] 

  Alex : Let's see. I recognize the bear and the monkey, but what's that scary creature in the middle?

• Alex : That woman would qualify for sainthood if weren't for one tiny little thing.

  Bree : What's that?

  Alex : She's a bitch.

• Bree : You must be Alex. Jesse's told me all about you.

  Alex : Really?

  Bree : Absolutely. Shalom!

• Delilah : I just wish I understood why Jesse was rushing into this marriage. There's no reason for it.

  Vivian : People, please. There is only one explanation.

  Alex : What's that?

  [Vivian pantomimes being pregnant] 

  Delilah : His fiancee is a mime?

• Vivian : Alex, I want to thank you again for letting me bring the twins by here tonight... you ever need a favor, just ask.

  Alex : Actually, I do. Could you ask the twins not to play on my brand new patio furniture?

  Vivian : Of course.

  [turns off-screen, shouting] 

  Vivian : Lyndon! P.J.! If you won't stop jumping on that chaise longue, you're gonna break it! And you know you're Aunt Alex doesn't have a lot of nice things!

  [turns back to Alex, smiles sweetly] 

• Vivian : Oh my God, Alex. The twins have gotten hold of your cat.

  Alex : Why do they have her blindfolded?

  Vivian : They're playing "International Terrorist" again. It's a little game they made up.

  [turns off-screen, shouting] 

  Vivian : Lyndon! P.J.! What have I told you about taking animals hostage?! Let her go... What?... I don't care if your demands haven't been met yet, let the kitty go!