Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995)
Jeremy Irons: Simon
Photos
Quotes
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Zeus Carver : [tied with John to the liquid bomb on the freighter] Didn't I hear you say you didn't even like your brother?
Simon Gruber : There's a difference, you know, between not liking one's brother and not caring when some dumb Irish flatfoot drops him out of a window.
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Simon : [talking to police on speaker phone, in Walter's office] Well, is the ebony Samaritan there, now?
Zeus : You got a problem with ebony?
Simon : No, no. My only problem is that I went to some trouble preparing that game for McClane. You interfered with a well-laid plan.
Zeus : [picks up the phone] Yeah, well, you can stick your well-laid plan up your well-laid ass.
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Simon Gruber : [as McClane answers the pay phone] "Birds of a feather, flocked together, so do pigs & swine. As nice as their chance as well as I had mine."
John McClane : Nice. Rhymes.
Simon Gruber : Why was the phone busy, who were you calling?
John McClane : [Sarcastically] The psychic hotline.
Simon Gruber : I advise you to take this more seriously.
John McClane : Hey, this is public phone. What do you want me to say?
Simon Gruber : [Slightly annoyed] You can simply say that there was a fat woman on it and it took you a minute to get her off.
[Both McClane and Zeus give shocked faces]
Simon Gruber : Now, there's a significant amount of explosive in the trash receptacle next to you. Try to run, and it goes off now.
John McClane : We're not going to run, but I got a hundred people out here.
Simon Gruber : *That's* the point. Now, do I have your attention? "As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with 7 wives, every wife had 7 sacks, every sack had 7 cats, every cat had 7 kittens, kittens, cats sacks and wives. How many were going to St. Ives? My number is...
John McClane : [Interrupting] Woah, whoa wait a minute I didn't get all that. Say it again.
Simon Gruber : Not a chance. My number is 555 and the answer. Call me in 30 seconds or die.
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Simon : [over the phone with John and Zeus] Said Simple Simon to the pieman going to the fair, "Give me your pies... or I'll cave your head in."
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Simon : [to John, after realizing the bomb in the school was fake] I'm a soldier, not a monster. Even though I sometimes work for monsters.
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Zeus : [pointing a gun at Simon in the bridge of the freighter] Don't fuckin' move.
Simon : [turns around] Oh, the Samaritan.
Zeus : Gimme the goddamn code.
Simon : Code?
[realizing what Zeus is talking about]
Simon : Oh, you mean for the school. I'm sorry, I can't do that.
Zeus : You call in that code right now. Or I'll blow your sick ass into the next world.
Simon : If that's what you gotta do.
[Zeus pulls the trigger on his gun and nothing happens, Simon takes the gun from Zeus]
Simon : You forgot to take the safety catch off.
[shoots Zeus in the leg]
Zeus : Oh, God!
Simon : See, that works. Now, where's McClane?
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John McClane : [referring to the dispatcher for the Coast Guard, he attempted to call] She told me to stay on the line.
[laughs]
Simon : [laughs] Oh, God, I love this country!
John McClane : You know, your brother was an asshole.
Simon : [pauses] Ha!
John McClane : You know, he really was an asshole.
Simon : He was. He was an asshole. You... you got his number.
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Zeus Carver : [tied with John to the liquid bomb on the freighter] No riddle is gonna stop this motherfucker?
Simon Gruber : No code, no riddle, no fancy little countdown.
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[Simon is in one of the dumptrucks driving gold through the unfinished aqueduct]
Simon : [on a phone] Rear guard, you can close up now.
[pauses, not getting an answer]
Simon : We've reached the dam, you can come up now.
[pauses again]
Simon : Nils? You can close in now. Nils?
John McClane : [on the guard's phone] Attention! Attention! Nils is dead! I repeat, Nils is dead, fuck-head. So's his pal, and those four guys from the East German All-Stars, your boys down at the bank? They're gonna be a little late.
Simon : [on the phone] John... in the back of the truck you're driving, there's 13 billon dollars worth in gold bullion. I wonder would a deal be out of the question?
John McClane : [on the phone] Yeah, I got a deal for you. Crawl out from that rock you're hiding under, and I'll drive this truck up your ass.
Simon : [on the phone] How colorful.
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[Zeus rushes into the Wall Street subway station and gets held at gunpoint by a transit cop who saw him jump the turnstiles]
Zeus : [slowly] I have to answer that phone.
Transit cop : Get 'em up!
Zeus : Look, if you have to shoot me, then you go ahead and you shoot me! But I have to answer this phone, all right?
Zeus : [picks up the receiver] I'm here.
Simon : [on the other line] And McClane?
Zeus : He's on his way. Uh, you know, he's a little slow. He's kinda outta shape.
Simon : The rules applied to both of you. I'm afraid this is noncompliance. Goodbye.
[Simon hangs up]
Zeus : Trust me guys. Duck.
[He immediately takes cover, knowing what will happen. As the train enters the station, McClane tries to smash the door on the last car of the train to throw the bomb out onto the track to minimize the amount of damage. As he does that, the wheels on the firts car hit a trip wire on the left rail that is connected to a remote detonator. It activates the bomb as McClane is throwing it out the window, causing the rear car to slide across the island platform, knocking down signs and columns]
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Simon Gruber : [over the phone with John and Zeus listening] As I was going to St. Ives, / I met a man with seven wives. / Every wife had seven sacks, / Every sack had seven cats, / Every cat had seven kittens. / Kittens, cats, sacks, wives, / How many were going to St. Ives?
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Simon : [over the phone in Walter's office] s there a detective named McClane there?
Inspector Cobb : He's on suspension.
Simon : No, Walter, he's not. Not today.
Inspector Cobb : Who is this?
Simon : Call me Simon.
Inspector Cobb : What do you want?
Simon : I want to play a game.
Inspector Cobb : What kind of game?
Simon : "Simon Says". Simon's going to tell Lt. McClane what to do, and Lt. McClane is going to do it. Noncompliance will result in a penalty.
Inspector Cobb : What penalty?
Simon : Another big bang in a very public place.
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Simon : [addressing his troops and giving a toast] Yesterday we were an army with no country, tomorrow, we have to decide which country we want to buy!
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Mischa : [the second guard tries to reach the front desk but instead reaches Simon's henchman who has replaced the real guard] Front desk.
Federal Reserve Guard #2 : Yes, call the police, get your ass down here right now! I'm under attack!
Mischa : Hey, just relax mate, maybe you'll live through this.
[Not believing this, the guard promptly grabs a shotgun and fires relentlessly at the door. He doesn't see Katya creep up behind him with a knife. She slashes through his neck twice, then stabs him in the chest, causing him to double over. As he doubles over, she stabs him in the back, at which point Simon grabs her, twists her hand and pins her against the wall, restraining her. He glowers disapprovingly at her]
Simon Gruber : I think he's dead, my dear.
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Simon Gruber : I trust you see the message. It has a proximity circuit, so please don't run.
John McClane : Yeah, I got it. We're not gonna run. How do we turn this thing off?
Simon Gruber : On the fountain, there should be two jugs. Do you see them? A five-gallon and a three-gallon. Fill one of the jugs with exactly four gallons of water, and place it on the scale, and the timer will stop. You must be precise. One ounce more or less will result in detonation. If you're still alive in five minutes, we'll speak.
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Simon : [over the phone with John and Walter listening] Money is shit to me. I would not give up McClane for all the gold in your Fort Knox.
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Simon : [Simon, disguised as a City Engineer, surveying the damage caused by one of his bombs] Holy Toledo! Somebody had fun.
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[Simon and Targo have just learned that McClane killed two of their henchmen at the aqueduct]
Mathias Targo : I told you not to toy with him!
Simon : Thank you, that's very helpful.
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Simon : [Simon has just broken into the Federal Reserve] $140 billion! Ten times what's in Kentucky. Fort Knox? Ha! It's for tourists.
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Simon Gruber : It's 9:50, John. The number 3 train is arriving now. I left something provocative on that train, John. Simon says, get to the payphone next to the news kiosk in Wall Street Station by 10:20 or the number 3 train and its passengers vaporize. Use any means of travel other than civilian, I blow the train. Attempt to evacuate the subway, I blow the train. I'll call you in 30 minutes. Be there.
John McClane : [hanging up] We're fucked.
Zeus Carver : 90 blocks in 30 minutes in New York traffic? It could be double that. We don't even have a car!
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Simon Gruber : Hello, John.
John McClane : Yeah, piece of cake. Give us something harder next time.
Simon Gruber : But you're ten seconds late.
John McClane : No, no! The answer is one!
Simon Gruber : Boom!
John McClane : [taking cover] There's a bomb in the trash can!
Zeus Carver : Get down!
John McClane : There's a bomb in the trash can! There's a bomb! Get down! There's a bomb!
[after a moment, nothing happens]
John McClane : No bomb.
[picking up the phone receiver, they hear Simon laughing]
John McClane : Yeah.
Simon Gruber : I didn't say "Simon says."
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Inspector Cobb : [after Zeus insults Simon] Simon, he wasn't speaking for all of us.
Simon : That was unpleasant. Don't let it happen again. So, what's your name, boy?
Zeus Carver : Don't call me "boy".
Simon : I'm sorry. It was a poor attempt at humor. I was going to send you home with a chiding, but now I think perhaps you should join the game.
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Simon Gruber : 72nd Street subway, fifteen minutes, McClane and the Samaritan. If you're competent in the least, you've found the briefcase. So you know what I mean by penalty.
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Simon Gruber : This, gentlemen, as they say, is where the plot thickens. I have put 2,400 pounds of explosive in one of the 1,446 schools in greater New York. It is fitted with a timer set to explode at exactly 3:00 p.m. Thank you. Your silence says I'm understood.
Inspector Cobb : Did you say 2,400 pounds?
Simon Gruber : Yes, but please don't interrupt again. Simon says, if you attempt to evacuate schools, the bomb will be detonated by radio; and gentlemen, someone will be watching. Repeat, one school will be dismissed at 3:00 p.m., permanently, unless...
Inspector Cobb : Unless what?
Simon Gruber : Unless John McClane and his new best friend complete the tasks I set them. John, are you listening?
John McClane : Yeah.
Simon Gruber : The pay phone beyond Hope Tompkins Square Park. Twenty minutes. Go by foot; no rush. If you're really clever, you'll learn the location of the bomb and the code to disarm it. Oh, and by the way, gentlemen, we got something of a bargain on radio detonators. The only problem is the darn things seem to respond to police and FBI frequencies. So if I were you, I'd keep off your radios.
Inspector Cobb : Simon, wait.
[Simon hangs up]
Inspector Cobb : 2,400 pounds of that liquid stuff. My god. Get me the commissioner.
Officer Jane : He's doing a press conference. He's supposed to be here in half an hour.
Inspector Cobb : All right, Ricky, get every senior officer on the site and get 'em here right away. You're not gonna give me any jurisdictional nonsense on this?
FBI Agent Andy Cross : I got two kids in the school on 64th Street. What can I do to help you?
Inspector Cobb : How many men have you got?
FBI Agent Andy Cross : 75. But if I push the panic button, I can get 500 from Washington.
Inspector Cobb : When?
FBI Agent Andy Cross : 2:30, 3:00.
Bill Jarvis, from Another Organization : Between now and then...
Inspector Cobb : We're gonna have to do this all by ourselves.
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Simon Gruber : You surprise me again, John. This is becoming an ugly habit.
John McClane : Yeah, well, I don't have the time right now, Simon. Listen. Deal's a deal. Where's the school bomb?
Simon Gruber : On the contrary, you have lots of time. You have...
[checking his watch]
Simon Gruber : ... 2 hours and 47 minutes precisely. Plenty of time to test those wits of yours.
John McClane : Hey! Hey! Hey, listen, jerkoff! Let me tell you somethin'. I got a back fucking hangover, all right? Now, I'm a little sick of these fuckin' riddles! Now, where is the school bomb?
Simon Gruber : Temper, John. The road to truth has many turns. You will find an envelope under the rim of the fountain. When you undertake the trip it suggests, ask yourself this question: what is 21 out of 42?
Mathias Targo : [Simon hangs up] We're behind. We should abandon the rest and go.
Simon Gruber : Relax, Targo. There's not a cop for 20 blocks.
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Felix Little : Our alarms are sonic and seismic. Two things which, I'm afraid, do not react well to explosions. You know, this subway business has knocked all our systems into a cocked hat. In fact, we've had to give up and pull the plug on the whole thing. The repair people are downstairs now.
Simon Gruber : [Swedish accent] Good Lord!
Felix Little : Yes, yes. Heaven to Betsy if anyone knew!
[seeing a henchman knock out a security guard]
Felix Little : But... I thought this was a currency exchange.
Simon Gruber : [returning to his German accent as a gun is tossed to him] Oh, I think we'll go straight to the withdrawal.
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Simon Gruber : Now, who from the FBI is in the van, I wonder? Let's see. Almost certainly Cross. Come on, Andrew, say hello.
FBI Agent Andy Cross : Hello.
Simon Gruber : And I know you never run alone, so say hello, Bill. Still trying to butch up by chewing on your glasses, huh?
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Simon Gruber : What has four legs and is always ready to travel?
John McClane : Huh? What?
Zeus Carver : [Simon hangs up] What'd he say?
John McClane : What has four legs and is always ready to travel?
Zeus Carver : What's the matter with you? Don't you have kids? That's an elephant joke.
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Rolf : He's here.
Simon Gruber : Perhaps you could be a little more specific.
Rolf : McClane is here. He's walking toward the bank. And the black man is coming toward me.
Simon Gruber : Oh, no, that's a pity. And after we've gone to all that trouble at the stadium.
Mathias Targo : Simon, kill him. Stop toying with him and kill him now.
Simon Gruber : Okay, so be it. May he rest in peace. I'll inform Karl in the lobby. You pack up your team and get out of there.
Rolf : And this one?
Zeus Carver : Officer.
Rolf : [giving him the "hold on" gesture, then adopting an American accent] Yeah, I'm-I'm... I'm afraid I'm gonna need an answer on that issue.
Simon Gruber : [glancing at Katya and Targo] Let him go.
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Simon : [to Katya, after she slit a security guard's throat and stabbed him in the stomach] I think he's dead my dear.
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Simon : [over the phone in Walter's office] Where are my pigeons now?
Inspector Cobb : Pigeons?
Simon : I had two pigeons, bright and gay, fly from me the other day. Why was it they did go? You cannot tell, you do not know.
Inspector Cobb : You mean McClane?
Simon : No, I mean Santa Claus.
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Simon : [addressing his troops] And remember, this is all due to the g-g-g-g-g-g-gullibility of the New York Police Department!
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Inspector Cobb : Gentlemen, we have a decision to make. Chief Allen. The man who has done this has told us that he has planted another very large bomb in a school here in the New York area. And he has told us that we cannot evacuate, but he has not said that we cannot *search*. Now, I recommend we get everybody, and I mean everybody - I'm talking about police, transit, sanitation, fire, even the goddamn librarians - and we start searching schools, and I mean right now. I'm talking about a thousand buildings within the city limits, and we have three hours and 15 minutes to do it in. Now, I'd like to keep the media out of this as long as possible, because if they get in, we've got a panic. Are we in agreement?
Simon Gruber : [watching them disperse from a nearby rooftop] They bought it. You can begin. Hook, line...
[seeing a line of dump trucks approaching]
Simon Gruber : ... and sinker.
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Simon Gruber : [tape-recorded message] This is a communique from the C.R.F. For too long, the West has conspired to steal the wealth of the world, consigning the balance of humanity to economic starvation. Today, we will level the playing field. In a few minutes, the contents of the Federal Reserve Bank, the gold your economies are built on, will be redistributed by explosive across the bottom of the Long Island Sound. If you are not in gridlock, I invite you to come and watch.
Zeus Carver : You're gonna blow it all up?
Simon Gruber : That's the idea. There are some gentlemen in the Middle East who seem to think that they'll make a great deal of money.
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Simon : [over the phone in Walter's office] Simon says, McClane and the Samaritan will go to the subway station at 72nd and Broadway. I will call you in 15 minutes on the payphone outside the station. No Police. Failure to answer will constitute noncompliance. Do you understand me, John?
John McClane : Oh, yes, I understand. I understand that you're a fuckin' wacko who likes to play kids' games. That's what I understand.
Simon : Hardly.
John McClane : [imitating Simon, over the phone] Hahdly? Well, then, who are you? Somebody I sent up? What'd you do? Shoplifting? Purse-snatching?
[pauses and puts hand over the receiver]
John McClane : Cross-dressing? What?
Simon : You c-c-c-couldn't catch me if I stole your ch-ch-chair with you in it!
John McClane : My ch-ch-ch-chair with me in it? That's very exciting. Let me ask you a question, bonehead. Why are you trying to k-k-k-k-kill me?
Simon : John, John, calm yourself.
John McClane : Huh? Why don't you come on down here to Police Plaza and we'll figure this out like a couple of men, huh? Just come on down here.
Simon : If killing you was all I wanted, you'd be dead by now.
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[Simon's last line]
Simon : [panicking] Get out of here!
