The Pretender (1996–2000)

Jon Gries: Broots

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Sydney : Good morning, Miss Parker. Broots.

  Broots : Sydney.

  Miss Parker : You're looking... refreshed.

  Sydney : New underpants will do that to you.

  [Miss Parker and Broots look at each other silently] 

  Miss Parker : Sydney, you made a funny.

  Sydney : Stole it, I'm afraid. Last night, I went on a date.

  Broots : You had a date!

  Miss Parker : [to Broots]  That's when two people actually meet instead of typing to each other on a computer keyboard.

  [to Sydney] 

  Miss Parker : So, if it was a date, how can you be sure that those are *your* underpants?

• Broots : I found something bizarre.

  Miss Parker : What, like hair on your head?

  Broots : No, that would be fantasy. This is real.

• Broots : Have you ever gone to church?

  Miss Parker : With all I've seen and done, a church is the last place I should be.

  Broots : Or the first.

• Broots : I, uh, know it's none of my business, Syd, but sometimes Memory Lane can be a dead-end street.

• [Sydney is on the phone with Jarod and Broots is trying to trace the call] 

  Broots : Keep talking. We've almost got him.

  [Jarod flips a switch on a box near his phone, causing a high-pitched sound to terminate any sort of trace to his phone] 

  Jarod : Tell Broots I discovered RadioShack.

• Sydney : You believe someone stole your mother's body?

  Miss Parker : Except for this Scotch-induced earthquake rattling between my ears, I'm not sure exactly what to believe anymore.

  Broots : Let's face it, Sydney. Catherine Parker's body being gone fits in with all the other bizarre happenings around here. The reappearance of Edna Raines, who, after 30 years, everyone thought was dead...

  Miss Parker : And now who really is dead, thanks to the Bald Butcher she called hubby.

• Broots : [to Miss Parker]  Is today your birthday? How old are you?

  [Miss Parker glares at him] 

  Broots : Young, I'm sure.

• Miss Parker : Call the hotel and book us some rooms for this shindig.

  [puts unlit cigarette in mouth] 

  Broots : Oh, Jarod already did.

  [Miss Parker lights cigarette] 

  Broots : They're, uh, non-smoking rooms.

  Miss Parker : [takes drag and smiles]  Perfect.

  [exhales smoke] 

• Broots : Miss Parker!

  [hugs Miss Parker] 

  Miss Parker : Do you want me to hurt you?

• Miss Parker : Since when do you hate to fly?

  Broots : I don't hate to fly. I hate to barf.

• Broots : Actually Ms. Parker, I don't think we're in Kansas any more.

• Broots : You know the rumor that JFK was kept alive as a vegetable somewhere? Buzzie claims it was right here in SL-18.

  Miss Parker : Yeah, next to the alien corpses Nixon showed Jackie Gleason.

  Broots : That was here too?

• Sydney : Bernice and I went to this amusing little place, The Chocolat.

  [Broots and Miss Parker burst out laughing] 

  Broots : You, uh, you, you, you went to a comedy club.

  Sydney : New experiences keep my psychiatric skills finely tuned.

  Miss Parker : Not to mention that slam-bang wit.

  Sydney : Exactly! How many psychiatrists does it take to change one lightbulb?