Dead Man on Campus (1998)

Mark-Paul Gosselaar: Cooper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Matt : [after he gets caught singing a show tune by Cooper]  Oh fuck me!

  Cooper : What were you just doing?

  Matt : What? Nothing!

  Cooper : Oh no, don't tell me nothing, you were just singing a show tune!

  Matt : You're crazy, I'd never do that.

  Cooper : You can't be suicidal if you're singing show tunes!

  Matt : I am suicidal.

  Cooper : You're not even depressed!

  Matt : Of course I'm depressed, look at me.

  [hunches over] 

  Matt : I'm very fucking depressed.

  Cooper : You fucking poser!

  Matt : [loses his accent]  Hey man, I'm not a fucking...

  Cooper : You're not even British!

• Cliff : I really shouldn't be driving, I have a suspended license.

  Cooper : Really? For what?

  Cliff : Attempted vehiclular manslaughter... whatever the FUCK that means!

• Cooper : You can't be suicidal if you're singing show tunes!

• Cliff : Do you guys ever get really horny?

  Cooper : Depends where you're going with this.

• Cooper : Young man! Where have you been? I was up all night worried sick. Do you know what time it is?

  Josh : I LOVE college. I love everything about it. The people, the freedom. This room. This chair. Look at this chair!

  Cooper : You had sex last night didn't you?

  Josh : That's a nice shirt.

• Josh : [discussing their flawed plan at the same time their friends are on the other side of the door thinking it's a lovers quarrel]  Neither of us have ever done anything like this before so if we're gonna go through it, I want us to be safe!

  Cooper : Oh fine, I just thought you and I were tight back there. Just don't ever pull out on me again.

  Josh : I pulled out because I don't think you know what you're doing.

  Cooper : I'm taking over from here! You know Josh, you are so anal!

  [all the friends run after this] 

• Cooper : I can hear my heartbeat through my penis!

• [handing back a trophy] 

  Cooper : Here's your dildo.

• Cooper : I need my Jimmy!

  Josh : No Jimmy, repeat: no Jimmy.

• Josh : I'm not gonna commit suicide, if that's what you're thinking.

  Cooper : Aw come on Josh, you're fucked anyway. At least this way, one of us comes out on top.

  Josh : Then you kill YOURself.

  Cooper : Naw, I just couldn't see that working.

• Cooper : My father's right. I'm a fuck-up. I'm a total fuck-up. You may be having this little holiday in Fuck-up Land, but I live here permanently.

• Cooper : You know what my dad does for a living? He cleans toilets. Yeah, he own this whole, toilet cleaning company and it's big. It's huge. And he's an incredible... asshole!

  [chuckles] 

  Cooper : Yeah I call him Flushles, the Toilet Cleaning Clown...

• Matt : [singing]  My words in my sperm, spewing forth my tragic...

  Matt : What the fuck do you two what?

  Josh : Are you a musician?

  Cooper : Are you in a band?

  Matt : Kiss... My... Arse.

  Josh : What?

  [Josh and Cooper look at each other puzzled] 

  Matt : That's the name of the bleeding band.

  Josh : Oh, you're gonna be playing the big pre-finals party.

  Matt : Yeah, that's right - if I'm still around.

  Cooper : What do you mean?

  Matt : And who the fuck are you? Fucking Kurt Löder?

  Matt : WOULD YOU PISS OFF AND SHUT MY FUCKING DOOR!

  [Josh and Cooper hurriedly close the door, but remain in the room] 

  Matt : Piss off!

  Josh : Oh, Piss off.

  Cooper : [On the way out of the room]  What the fuck does piss off mean?

• Josh : There's only one thing that can save you now.

  Cooper : What? Valium?

  Josh : No, studying! You need to study.

  Cooper : What? You're insane!

• Cooper : [caught by their clueless friends, Cooper grabs Josh and pretends to have an intimate moment with him in the bushes]  Can we have some privacy, please?

  Cooper : [the friends leave]  That was close.

  Josh : Cooper, they're probably thinking we're making out here.

  Cooper : [amused]  I know, they're totally in the dark.