When one ponders how truly terrible a handful of 80's "wackos-in-the-woods" fright features tend to be (e.g., "The Forest," "The Prey," and "Don't Go in the Woods"), claiming that "Berserker" qualifies as an especially abysmal example of this horror sub-genre speaks volumes about its exceptionally abominable lack of quality. The plot's strictly by-the-numbers -- and from hunger to boot: Six bland, witless jerky teens (three guys and three gals) go camping in the Wisconsin wilderness, only to wind up getting bagged by a claw-and-bear snout wearing modern-day descendant of an ancient fabled Norwegian warrior known as a -- big, portentous drum roll please -- BERSERKER! This flat, flaccid stinker misses the boat in practically every respect; it's a cheap, overly familiar and grindingly predictable time-waster brought down by horrid acting from the talentless, irritating teens (only the lovely Beth Toussaint, who bears a passing resemblance to Linda Hamilton, manages to make a favorable impression because she not surprisingly bares all in a thoroughly gratuitous, yet still much-appreciated sex scene), insipid cardboard characters, an unbearably poky pace, extremely bogus gore (the Norwegian nutcase rubs what looks like sodden raspberry jelly all over its victims' faces), a trite, meandering narrative, a blatantly telegraphed "surprise" ending, and dire, uninspired direction. The sole source of faint entertainment is the always refreshing and uplifting presence of late, great, sorely missed fat guy character actor favorite George "Buck" Flower, who delivers a funny, spirited performance as Pappy Nyquist, the choleric, doddering, eccentric camp caretaker whose land the kids trespass on. Flower's frequent co-star John Goff appears as an ineffective sheriff. Goff and Flower collaborated on the scripts for such choice 70's drive-in cheese as "Joyride to Nowhere," "C.B. Hustlers," and the immortal "Drive-In Massacre." Among the many movies Goff and Flower appear in together are "The Witch Who Came from the Sea," "The Alpha Incident," "The Fog," the indispensable Pia Zadora classic "Butterfly," "The Night Stalker," "Maniac Cop," "They Live," "Relentless," "Skeeter," both "Ilsa" flicks, and "Tammy and the T-Rex." And I believe I'm going off on a little extraneous tangent here. But hey, when you're reviewing a flick as lame and unremarkable as "Berserker" the urge to embark on an utterly incongruous tangent is downright impossible to resist. I think that says plenty about this baby's lowly status as an undeniably dismal dud.
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