That '70s Show (1998–2006)
Wilmer Valderrama: Fez
Photos
Quotes
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Steven Hyde : Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
Michael Kelso : I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.
[everyone looks at him]
Michael Kelso : Naked! That's the way God intended.
Jackie Burkhardt : No way.
Michael Kelso : Why not? It'd be fun.
Donna Pinciotti : Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.
Eric : So, you don't want to do it?
Donna Pinciotti : Well... I don't care. I'll do it.
Eric : You... Okay, I'm in.
Fez : Naked is dirty.
[singing]
Fez : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
All : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
Jackie Burkhardt : [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!
Steven Hyde : By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
Fez : Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
All : No!
Eric : Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.
Steven Hyde : We can go to my house.
Michael Kelso : Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.
Steven Hyde : She's not even home, you moron!
[Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]
Fez : Put on the top forty.
[Fez reaches over for the radio]
Steven Hyde : Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!
Fez : Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Steven Hyde : I don't know. Tuck it in!
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Michael Kelso : Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!
Steven Hyde : Anyone with a quarter?
Michael Kelso : Me!
Fez : Damn, and I had a quarter!
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Fez : I have a question Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?
Steven Hyde : There's no such thing as too much, Fez.
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Jackie Burkhardt : Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.
Eric : Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.
Donna Pinciotti : Me too.
Steven Hyde : Hear hear.
Fez : Yes.
Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?
[Everyone nods]
Jackie Burkhardt : I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
Steven Hyde : ...We all hate Laurie, all right.
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Fez : I like my women like I like my wine - red and full of alcohol.
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Fez : Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?
Eric : I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.
Steven Hyde : How long have you two been planning that line out?
Eric : For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister.
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[referring to Eric's failing grades]
Fez : Crack a book, you lazy son-of-a-bitch.
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Fez : Opportunity does not knock, then knock again, then leave a note saying "sorry I missed you".
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Fez : Wow, my first X-rated movie. I don't know what's going on, but that is the luckiest pizza boy ever.
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Fez : Poor Hyde. You are in love with Donna and she's with your good friend Eric.
Steven Hyde : So what?
Fez : So it's the saddest story in the world.
Steven Hyde : You know what? I had a chance, and I didn't take it.
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Fez : Don't resist me, Mama. It's boogie time.
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Red Forman : What the hell happened?
Steven Hyde : Eric made out with Laurie's friend.
Red Forman : Anything else?
Fez : Your son is a whore.
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Fez : I wonder what's up with Jackie. She looks scared... like a deer in the headlights caught with its pants down.
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Michael Kelso : The truth is out there, man, it's out there.
Fez : No more for you.
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Michael Kelso : Guys, I was making out with Pam Macy in the orchestra pit. And... the worst thing that could happen to a guy happened.
Fez : Ohhhh. Mr. Cooper came in to wash the floors?
Michael Kelso : No.
Steven Hyde : Fez, I think what Kelso meant to say was... the rabbit wouldn't come out of his hat.
Eric : The weasel wouldn't pop out.
Michael Kelso : OK, ENOUGH.
Eric : Oh, wait. There's a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.
Steven Hyde : That's a good one Forman.
Eric : I know, it just came to me.
Fez : Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants.
Michael Kelso : This can't be happening to me.
Fez : Oh, don't worry Kelso. I'm really sorry... SORRY YOU'RE NOT A MAN.
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Eric : Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower.
Fez : This is the proudest moment of my life.
Steven Hyde : It doesn't look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger.
Michael Kelso : Well it doesn't have to look perfect Hyde, it's art.
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Kelso : Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.
Donna : How are you gonna do that?
Michael Kelso : By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.
Eric : So what are you gonna say?
Michael Kelso : Oh, it'll come to me in the moment.
Donna : Don't you think you should plan it out a little?
Michael Kelso : Does an astronaut plan out his missions?
Fez : What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded?
Michael Kelso : Oh, you just wait and see.
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Fez : Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?
Steven Hyde : Well, the beer is stronger. And as a result, their women look prettier.
Fez : Then let's HAUL ASS TO CANADA.
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[Leo just fired Fez from the PhotoHut]
Fez : But how am I supposed to pay for my shoes?
Leo : Just do what I do, man. Take money from the register when the boss isn't looking.
Steven Hyde : Leo... Once again... You are the boss.
Leo : And, I'm not looking.
[Hyde gives Fez the money]
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Jackie Burkhardt : [on the phone] So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right? But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore, so he drinks and drinks and crashes his car. Isn't that romantic?
Fez : [besides Kelso on the phone, Fez is on the phone, and he's telling Kelso what to say] Say, "Yes, it is."
Michael Kelso : [Fez puts the phone by his ear] Yes it is.
Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, I just love romantic movies, don't you?
Fez : [to Kelso] "Yes, I do."
Michael Kelso : [phone by his ear] Yes, I do.
Jackie Burkhardt : You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had a reservoir when we went skinny-dipping. Remember?
Fez : [to Kelso] "No, describe it to me."
Michael Kelso : [phone by ear] No, describe it to me.
Jackie Burkhardt : Michael, you're so bad. Okay, the water was really cold, so when I dove in, well you know.
Fez : No, I don't know.
Jackie Burkhardt : MICHAEL!
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Fez : This suit is for leisure. But many times I wear it to get down to business.
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Eric : [they're driving Kelso's cousin's car] Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?
Michael Kelso : Maybe he's, like, religious.
Steven Hyde : Didn't Sully get imprisoned for arson?
Michael Kelso : Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God too, Hyde.
Steven Hyde : Why does his key-chain say "I Love Bingo"?
Fez : Sully must love bingo.
Eric : All right. I'm starting to think this isn't Sully's car.
Michael Kelso : Then who's car is it?
[police siren wails]
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Fez : That's not a tater tot... that's a tater giant!
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Eric : So Donna says David and her are just good friends. And if I don't believe that, um, then she's gonna think that I don't trust her.
Fez : Eric, maybe you should let David have Donna. I mean, they look so nice together.
Steven Hyde : See, this is why your country lost the war.
Fez : My country never fought a war.
Steven Hyde : Yeah, big surprise.
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Fez : Who are you?
Rhonda : Fez, it's me Rhonda.
Fez : So do you want to have a hot-dog eating contest?
Rhonda : No. It's not kosher.
Fez : Who said?
Rhonda : [pointing to Jackie and Donna] They did.
Fez : Oh, really?
[turning to Donna and Jackie]
Fez : What have you meddling whores done to my Rhonda?
Donna Pinciotti : I've got to tell you, Fez it was all Jackie's idea. She wouldn't let her pee.
Jackie Burkhardt : You said she was a sasquatch.
Donna Pinciotti : So did you.
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Fez : Whenever I look at naked ladies, I get really tired. Then I get my second wind, and then I want to look at more naked ladies.
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[Kelso just told Jackie a list of embarrassing things he's done in his life, in an effort to be honest]
Michael Kelso : Oh, and that time we were about to fool around, and you asked me if I washed my hands, I had just actually finished playing with six dogs. Oh, but that's not nearly as bad as the time...
Jackie Burkhardt : OK, Michael. Enough. You know when I talked to you about honesty? Let's talk about SELECTIVE honesty.
Fez : And basic hygiene.
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[Michael on Eric]
Michael Kelso : How dumb was he to give me the car keys? I mean, who in here trusts me?
Fez : Not me.
Jackie Burkhardt : Not me.
Steven Hyde : Not me, man.
Michael Kelso : Thank you.
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Fez : These after-school specials are thrilling. Who knew that one beer could turn a cheerleader into a whore?
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Michael Kelso : Yeah, Hyde's in jail. Hey guys, do you think that he's anyone's girlfriend yet?
Fez : Kelso, he's been in there for three hours. Of COURSE he's someone's girlfriend.
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Fez : Mrs. Forman, I'm sorry. I washed my face with your ovaries.
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Fez : My gosh, Buddy. With a car like that, you must be knee deep in whores.
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Fez : Eric, what a glorious man-ring.
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Fez : Hey, guys. I was just showing Caroline the backseat of my Vista Cruiser.
Steven Hyde : Fez, that's not your car.
Jackie Burkhardt : Yeah, Fez. Foreigners aren't allowed to drive cars in this country, unless it's a cab.
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Fez : When is it Fez's turn? Where is my whore?
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Fez : Look, my first snowball. I love snow so much, my fingers are numb with joy.
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Steven Hyde : Looks like Shelley has a thing for Foreman.
Fez : Yes, and Foreman has a thing for Shelley. And it's in his pants.
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Bob Pinciotti : I didn't ask for a drink.
Fez : Well, I didn't ask to be born in a field.
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Michael Kelso : I miss Jackie, I can't eat, I can't sleep, well i can eat but...
[begins to cry]
Fez : [stares at kelso]
Steven Hyde : [stares at kelso]
Eric : [stares at kelso] Hey, what did we say, no crying in the circle
Michael Kelso : I can't help it.
Michael Kelso : I need to tell her i didnt mean to cheat on her and that im sorry. I know, I'll write her a song
Michael Kelso : [begins to play ukelae, really badly while singing]
Steven Hyde : Hey I kno how you can start it.
[begins to sing]
Steven Hyde : You don't love me anymore, caught me cheatin' with a whore. See cuz Laurie's the whore
Eric : My sister is such a whore
[begins to giggle]
Michael Kelso : [glares at hyde]
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Fez : Caroline, I have to break up with you.
Caroline : Why? Don't say it's because I'm crazy. I'm not crazy.
Fez : No... um... it's because... Donna and I are in love.
Caroline : WHAT?
Jackie Burkhardt : Ewww...
Fez : Please tell her, Donna... Please?
Donna Pinciotti : [whispers] What if she tries to kill me?
Fez : You're a giant, you can take her.
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Fez : Guys, I'm in pain.
Donna Pinciotti : Yeah, I know, Fez. It hurts when a girl you like ignores you.
Fez : No. I mean I kissed her, and now I am in PAIN.
Donna Pinciotti : Eww.
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Jackie Burkhardt : I want Michael to give me that stupid promise ring.
Fez : Look, Jackie, Kelso is very sensitive.
Steven Hyde : Girlish, even.
Fez : So, he just wants to wait for the right time to give it to you.
Jackie Burkhardt : You know what, Fez? You're right. I'll give him time.
[Kelso enters]
Jackie Burkhardt : WHERE'S MY RING, YOU IDIOT?
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Fez : Look at this, Jackie brings four different types of mascara just to please Kelso. And what does Kelso bring? Another woman.
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Fez : Oh, the ladies want a piece of Fez.
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[Kitty presents the Thanksgiving turkey]
Kitty Forman : Ok, who likes dark meat?
Fez : Hey, who doesn't? Am I right ladies?
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Fez : We've been here for like 2 hours, and we've only moved like two feet.
Michael Kelso : If you think the lines at the DMV are long, you should see the free clinic. Now there's a wait.
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Fez : Guys, Rhonda said she wanted to share something with me, tonight. That means we are going to do it.
Steven Hyde : Nice.
Fez : But, I have a problem. I have no place to do it in. I need someplace cheap and roomy... just like my Rhonda.
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Eric : Fez, I know you've spoken English for only a few weeks, now. But could you have learned the phrase 'Don't tell my Dad?" 'Don't' being the contraction for do not and 'tell my Dad' meaning SHUT UP?
Fez : See, right there you told me NOT to shut up. It's a wonder you're not failing English, too. Crack a book, you lazy son of a bitch.
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[Fez on Big Rhonda]
Fez : I know that I just met her Mr. Red, but I love her. She is... sturdy. I want to climb her.
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Rhonda : Relax. We're all part of the gang.
Jackie Burkhardt : No, no, no. *You're* not part of this gang. You can't be a part of this gang. I had to kiss butt for a year to be a part of this gang.
Fez : That was you being *nice*?
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[Everybody's going bowling]
Fez : Do I have to use the pink ladies' ball again?
Steven Hyde : Fez, Fez, Fez. You know the answer to that question.
Fez : [frustrated] Pink ladies' ball until I lose my virginity.
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[At a bowling alley]
Michael Kelso : [picks up two bowling balls] Hey, guys, I got 10 pound balls.
[everybody laughs]
Fez : [picks up two balls] Hey, guys, my balls have holes in them.
[everybody stares at Fez]
Fez : Now why was that not funny?
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Michael Kelso : Hey, guys, look! I have ten pound balls! That never gets old.
Fez : Hey, guys! My balls are black and blue!
Eric : Good one!
Steven Hyde : Niiice!
Michael Kelso : Funny.
Fez : Wow. My balls are finally funny!
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Steven Hyde : Hey, Fez, do you happen to have my money?
Fez : Actually, I do happen not to have your money.
Steven Hyde : Oh, really? Well, until you do...
[grabs candy away from Fez and starts eating it]
Fez : My candy... Oh, you'll get your money... IN HELL.
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Kitty Forman : Ok, I need two people with keen feminine sensibilities to decorate Steven's party... so it's Jackie... and Fez.
[Kitty leaves]
Fez : Yay.
Jackie Burkhardt : Come on Fez, let's go.
[Fez and Jackie leave]
Donna Pinciotti : What the hell does she mean? I'm feminine. I oughta kick her ass for that...
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Eric : Everything costs money. Gas. Food. Parties. Fun.
Michael Kelso : Dates. Dates cost money.
Fez : No, Kelso, that is prostitution.
Steven Hyde : No, Fez, dating IS prostitution. Only, you don't always get what you paid for.
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Donna Pinciotti : My parents are going to the Playboy mansion this weekend. Anybody want souvenirs?
Steven Hyde : Ashtrays.
Fez : A woman.
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Fez : Stop touching each other. It gives me needs...
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Fez : Well, hello there, pretty lady. Who might you be?
Donna Pinciotti : That's my sister. And, she's 14.
Fez : You know, in my country...
Steven Hyde : It's illegal here.
Fez : Oh.
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[the guys are in Chicago]
Fez : People are so friendly around here. The women on the corner just offered to have sex with me.
Steven Hyde : Yeah, for money Fez.
Fez : I could not ask them for money... or could I?
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Fez : Kelso wants to give you the ring, but he's scared.
Jackie Burkhardt : Why is he scared?
Steven Hyde : Because you're scary.
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Jackie Burkhardt : Fez, you are like, an amazing dancer.
Fez : Actually, Jackie... YOU are the reason I am amazing.
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[the guys go to a disco]
Fez : Okay, that's it. You must let me in.
The Bouncer : Why?
Fez : Because I feel the hard rhythm of disco burning in my loins.
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Michael Kelso : There are a lot of other hot older women out there besides Midge. And they deserve our respect.
Fez : Yes, I would love to make love to an 80-year old. They must know everything. Not just about sex, but history and trivia, too.
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Steven Hyde : He's as dead as your Mayan forefathers.
Fez : My forefathers were not Mayan.
Steven Hyde : Like anyone cares.
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Donna Pinciotti : What do you guys want to do after you graduate?
Eric : Not touch dead people again, ever.
Fez : I would like to go back to my homeland, with all the knowledge I learned in Wisconsin... and rule with an iron fist.
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[the guys imitate Jackie]
Steven Hyde : Michael, call me later.
Eric : Michael, do your Chico impression.
Fez : Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you.
[the guys stare at Fez]
Fez : ...please someone else talk now.
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[Everybody's playing "Horse" in the driveway. Kelso throws and misses]
Michael Kelso : Damn.
Steven Hyde : Oh. Kelso misses another one. I believe it's already H-O-R.
Fez : That's right. You are a whore.
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Fez : [making a crank call] Hello, House of Chicken? How big are your wings?
Steven Hyde : Breasts.
Fez : Oh. How big are your breasts?
[listens]
Fez : This is Fez. Who is this?
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Michael Kelso : Yeah, I guess it was wrong, what I did with Laurie, but I was just amusin' myself, you know? And that's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself.
Fez : ...unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off.
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[Kelso just got bossed around by his new girlfriend]
Michael Kelso : Man, it's great to be under somebody's thumb again.
[pause]
Fez : What did your mother do to you?
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Steven Hyde : We need to do something that says "We're not gonna stand for a corrupt electoral system". Something that will leave a mark.
Fez : Oh, I know. A bloody coup.
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Fez : That Tomas is shady. But have you noticed, he never says what country he's from?
Steven Hyde : What country are you from?
Fez : What country are YOU from?
Steven Hyde : America.
Fez : Fine, mystery solved.
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Fez : You know Jackie, if you're in the market for a new lover, they say once you go Fez, you never go back. In my language that rhymes.
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Fez : Don't worry Kelso the puberty bunny will visit you soon.
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Fez : Do you know what's a good job for me... Gigolo. The loving is over. Now pay me.
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Fez : My Green Card, I kept it in my right shoe for safe keeping, I even make up a rhyme to help me remember, my green card in my right shoe something something right shoe.
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Fez : I just wish that there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Michael Kelso : Well, that's Canada... Yup, good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they're too busy playin' hockey or gettin' drunk or puttin' maple syrup on their ham.
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Steven Hyde : You have to be aloof.
Fez : Did you just call me a 'loof'? Because if so, I'll have to kick you in your nads.
Steven Hyde : No man, aloof. Distant, zen...
Fez : Well, that's not what a loof means in my language.
Steven Hyde : Look, I don't care what you think it means. That's what it means here.
Fez : You're the loof.
Steven Hyde : Hey Fez...
Fez : ...I SAID LOOF.
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[the guys plan to streak]
Steven Hyde : I'll write a really great slogan like, 'I Hate the Fuzz' on my ass.
Fez : If you hate the fuzz on your ass, why don't you just shave it off?
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Fez : Don't you want to know what I have to say?
Steven Hyde : Man, I never know what you have to say. I mean, in your head you're speaking English, but when it comes out its all buzzes and clicks.
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Fez : Is he going to moon me? Oh, great, he's going to moon me.
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Donna Pinciotti : Fez, you're awesome. What girl wouldn't want to be with you?
Fez : Well, there's Jackie... Laurie... this girl from gym, another girl from Chemistry... country western star Tanya Tucker... she does not answer her letters.
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Steven Hyde : Hey, Fez, listen to this.
[reads from magazine]
Steven Hyde : Tight pants can show off a man's derriere and show a woman heaven. Also, an open shirt can expose a sexy chest and show an enormous 'Joie De Vivre'.
Fez : Really? I always thought my 'Joie De Vivre' was in my pants.
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Steven Hyde : If you don't shut up, you'll be the first person to touch his chin to his ass.
Fez : Have you been spying on me?
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Kitty Forman : Red hates you.
Fez : Oh, don't be silly. Red loves me.
Kitty Forman : You gave him a heart attack.
Eric : Mom, maybe Dad loved Fez so much that his heart just... exploded.
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Eric : Fez, you better start kissing Red's butt or else he'll make sure you're deported.
Fez : Who should be kissing who's butt? He should be thanking me for taking his trashy daughter off his hands.
Laurie Forman : I'm not that trashy. I won't sleep with you.
Fez : Oh, zip it Jezabelle.
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[Fenton tells Eric to either pay for the engagement ring for Donna or give it back]
Fez : Eric, you better do what he says. I've been on the other side of Fenton's stick. And trust me, that is not the side you wanna be on.
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Fez : Jackie you seem different. I don't know if its your hair, your outfit... Or your red puffy eyes.
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Steven Hyde : Look man, if those jocks try to do this to you again, just come find me.
Fez : Thanks. You're my best friend. Let's hold hands.
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Fez : [singing] Hyde and Jackie sitting in a tree, they're in love like two monkeys
Steven Hyde : That's not even how it goes.
Fez : Well, is it making you mad?
Steven Hyde : Yes.
Fez : Then, that's how it goes.
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Fez : [about Donna] If we were in my country I'd string you from the tallest tree.
Steven Hyde : We're not in your country.
Fez : Right. So good luck with Donna.
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Fez : But if you don't tell Donna how you feel, then you will regret it.
Steven Hyde : I'm going to the Vineyard.
Fez : Good for you.
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Steven Hyde : Go ahead and hit me. A free shot.
Kelso : You gonna hit me back?
Steven Hyde : No, man. That's why they call it a free shot.
Kelso : Oh. OK. Get ready. Here it comes. It's coming. Get ready.
Fez : We're ready. Do it, fool.
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Steven Hyde : We could go to Chicago and peddle Fez's ass for beer.
Fez : I'm game.
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Fez : ["That 70s Show" 100 episode, the musical]
[singing]
Fez : Some people call me the space cowboy...
Eric : No, nobody calls you like that. But if there were someone, then I'll be the space cowboy.
Steven Hyde : Please, Forman, if there's any space cowboy in this group it's me, and I'm also the midnight toker!
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Fez : [inhales helium from balloon and talks in high pitched voice] No, Donna, please don't crush me, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaase.
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Steven Hyde : Poor Forman, man. Working for Red. I wouldn't wish that on my enemies.
Fez : I would. Those suckas must pay!
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Kitty Forman : Eric, David's here!
Fez : The scoliosis asthma freak is here? I cannot wait to see this!
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Donna : Wow, David, you've really grown up!
David Milbank : Hey, look at you. You have really grown up!
Eric : Yes, in fact we've all grown up.
Fez : Yes, but him much more than you have.
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[Fez got arrested for vandalizing Point Place's water tower while Hyde and Kelso got away]
Fez : [to Hyde and Kelso] Thanks for getting me out of jail, you two sons of two bitches!
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[Fez has just gotten out of jail after being arrested for something Hyde and Kelso did]
Fez : Oh, and guess what? They looked into my records and discovered my visa expires after I graduate from high school. That means I'm going to be deported. Thanks a lot, you guys. Now I have to relearn my native language.
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Mr. Wilkinson : [after the gang has stolen his mailbox] Bloody hell- is that my mailbox?
Fez : [imitating Mr. Wilikinson] Bloody hell is that me mailbox?
[everyone laughs]
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Fez : I'm confused. What's going on?
Steven Hyde : You see, Donna, as a creative artist, wrote her story to get some perspective on her life. Forman, as a vindictive ass, wrote his story to be a vindictive ass.
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Fez : [writing to Prresident Carter about why he should be able to stay in America] If I have to leave this country, where am I going to go? France? Fuck France.
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Fez : I choose boobs!
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Fez : Rhonda, I thought we'd start our evening with a hot-dog eating contest. Now, I know you're the State Hot Dog Eating Champion, but I think I can make it interesting.
Rhonda : Sorry, Fez, I don't eat food for money OR glory any more.
[whispering and gesturing to Jackie and Donna]
Rhonda : It's not ladylike.
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Fez : [thinks he sees Laurie naked] Hey, are you naked or are you just happy to see me?
Donna Pinciotti : [turns around, completely naked, her eyes go wide in shock] Oh, my God, Fez!
[she ducks down out of sight]
Fez : [wide eyed] Oh, my God, Donna!
[thinking to himself]
Fez : Don't worry, just turn on the charm...
[speaking aloud]
Fez : Hey, nice honkers!
Donna Pinciotti : Get out of here!
[starts throwing rocks at him]
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Fez : [on a dead fish] Oh, it's so stinky. What are we going to do with it?
Steven Hyde : Simple, man. We're going to find a place to hide the stinky, and ruin someone's day. The question is where, how, and who?
[throws basketball, it's hits Kelso's van and knocks a hubcap off]
Steven Hyde : The answer is there, that, and Kelso!
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Donna Pinciotti : I can't believe Hyde. I mean he completely broke Jackie's heart. Who just goes and marries a stripper?
Fez : What are you, dense? Anybody who can, that's who!
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Donna Pinciotti : Wow, Jackie. After everything you've been through with Hyde, you come here and insult me! You're all better.
Jackie Burkhardt : Well, I'm not going to sit around moping. I'm going to do what every woman does when they hit rock bottom.
Fez : You're going to have sex with me?
Jackie Burkhardt : No, I'm going to go out and meet some boys. And crush their hearts one by one.
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Fez : [drinking from a bottle of Amaretto] Mmm... liquid candy.
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Fez : Thanks for getting me out of jail you 2 sons of 2 bitches!