Galaxy Quest (1999)
Tim Allen: Jason Nesmith
Photos
Quotes
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Jason Nesmith : Never give up. Never surrender.
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[Gwen and Jason encounter the chompers]
Gwen DeMarco : What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway. No, I mean we shouldn't have to do this, it makes no logical sense, why is it here?
Jason Nesmith : 'Cause it's on the television show.
Gwen DeMarco : Well forget it! I'm not doing it! This episode was badly written!
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Sir Alexander Dane : You're just going to have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?
Jason Nesmith : It's a rock monster. It doesn't have motivation.
Sir Alexander Dane : See, that's your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft.
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[the rock monster chases Nesmith]
Alexander Dane : You're just going to have to kill it.
Jason Nesmith : Kill it? Well, I'm open to any suggestions.
Tommy Webber : Go for the eyes, like in episode 22!
Jason Nesmith : He doesn't have any eyes, Tommy!
Tommy Webber : Go for the mouth, then, the throat, his vulnerable spots!
Jason Nesmith : It's a rock! It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!
Guy Fleegman : I know! You construct a weapon. Look around, can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?
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[Fred tries to digitize the pig-lizard with disastrous results]
Jason Nesmith : What? What was that?
Alexander Dane : Uh, nothing.
Jason Nesmith : I heard some squealing or something.
Gwen DeMarco : Oh, no. Everything's fine.
Teb : But the animal is inside out.
Jason Nesmith : I heard that! It turned inside out?
[the pig-lizard explodes]
Teb : And it exploded.
Jason Nesmith : Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out, and then it EXPLODED? Hello?
Gwen DeMarco : [Flipping a bit of pig-lizard off her communicator] Hold, please.
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Brandon Wheeger : I just wanted to tell you that I thought a lot about what you said.
Jason Nesmith : It's okay, now listen...
Brandon Wheeger : But I want you to know that I'm not a complete brain case, okay? I understand completely that it's just a TV show. I know there's no beryllium sphere...
Jason Nesmith : Hold it.
Brandon Wheeger : no digital conveyor, no ship...
Jason Nesmith : Stop for a second, stop. It's all real.
Brandon Wheeger : Oh my God, I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!
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[Reading a tactical display]
Guy Fleegman : Hey guys, there's a red-thingy moving toward the green-thingy.
Jason Nesmith : What?
Guy Fleegman : Red-thingy moving toward the green-thingy. I think we're the green-thingy.
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[after the Blue Creatures have eaten Limpy]
Jason Nesmith : Ok, here's the plan: first, Fred, we need a diversion to clear these things out of the compound, then Gwen, Alex, Fred and I go down to get the sphere. Any of those things come back Tommy, give a signal. Guy, you set up a perimeter.
Gwen DeMarco : Why does this sound so familiar?
Tommy Webber : "Assault on Voltarek III". Episode 81 I think.
Guy Fleegman : We're doing episode 81?
Tommy Webber : Whatever, the one with the hologram. The wall of fire.
Gwen DeMarco : How the hell is Fred supposed to project a hologram?
Guy Fleegman : We're doing episode 81, Jason?
Jason Nesmith : It doesn't have to be a hologram, just a diversion.
Guy Fleegman : Jason, are we doing episode 81 or not?
Jason Nesmith : It's a rough plan, Guy, what does it matter if we're doing episode 81 or not?
Guy Fleegman : BECAUSE I DIED... IN EPISODE 81!
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[the crew is on a shuttle descending to an alien planet]
Guy Fleegman : I changed my mind. I wanna go back.
Sir Alexander Dane : After the fuss you made about getting left behind?
Guy Fleegman : Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship, and something is up there, and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy who gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.
Jason Nesmith : You're not gonna die on the planet, Guy.
Guy Fleegman : I'm not? Then what's my last name?
Jason Nesmith : It's, uh, uh - -I don't know.
Guy Fleegman : Nobody knows. Do you know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name, because I'm gonna die five minutes in.
Gwen DeMarco : Guy, you have a last name.
Guy Fleegman : DO I? DO I? For all you know, I'm "Crewman Number Six"! Mommy... mommy...
Sir Alexander Dane : Are we there yet?
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Jason Nesmith : You WILL go out there.
Sir Alexander Dane : I won't and nothing you say will make me.
Jason Nesmith : The show must go on.
Sir Alexander Dane : ...Damn you.
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[after fake fighting]
Jason Nesmith : You used to pull your punches.
Sir Alexander Dane : It's "Scene-Stealing Hack," thank you.
Jason Nesmith : "Raving Egomaniac"?
Sir Alexander Dane : Can't think where I got THAT from.
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Sir Alexander Dane : Where's the happy ending, Jason? "Never give up, never surrender?"
Jason Nesmith : [Using the opportunity to provoke a fake fight] Maybe it's about time you just backed off, you fin-headed monstrosity.
Sir Alexander Dane : You what?
Jason Nesmith : You're starting to act just like to did in Episode 17, you scene-stealing hack!
Sir Alexander Dane : [Finally catching on] Oh! Right! Well, how does it feel, Jason? Was it worth it? You've murdered us all!
Jason Nesmith : Shut up.
Sir Alexander Dane : Hundreds to die, just because of you!
Jason Nesmith : I told you to shut up!
[They are both shoved into an air lock]
Sir Alexander Dane : Hundreds to die, just because you want to play at being commander, you raving lunatic.
[They begin shoving each other]
Jason Nesmith : Then I'll see you in Hell, won't I?
[They begin punching each other. Alexander motions Jason towards a metal rod. Jason swings at him, Alexander ducks, and Jason knocks out one of the guards. They rush the others]
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Sarris : [Sarris believes that Nesmith plans to ram his ship] Let me remind you, sonny: I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake.
Jason Nesmith : Well, let me tell you something, Sarris: It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one. You're sweating.
Sarris : You fool! You failed to realize that, with your armor gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper.
Jason Nesmith : And what you fail to realize is my ship... is dragging mines!
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Jason Nesmith : Am I too late for Alexander's panic attack?
[Alex hides his face in despair]
Jason Nesmith : Apparently not.
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Jason Nesmith : Okay Gwen, put me back on with him.
Gwen DeMarco : That's what I've been trying to tell you, Jason. You ARE back with him.
Sarris : Perhaps I am not as stupid as I am ugly, commander!
Jason Nesmith : [to Gwen] I gave you the 'kill' gesture.
Gwen DeMarco : No, you gave me the 'we're dead' signal. I was agreeing with you. Like I know where the 'hold' button is.
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Fred Kwan : Hey, Commander. Listen, we found some beryllium on a nearby planet. And we might be able to get there if we reconfigure the solar matrix in parallel for endothermic propulsion. What'd'ya think?
Jason Nesmith : We'll do that!
Guy Fleegman : All right!
Fred Kwan : [to his engineering team] That's right again. That's... come on, group hug.
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[Sarris forces Jason to tell Mathesar he's an actor on a TV show]
Jason Nesmith : I'm not a commander. There's no "National Space Exploration Administration." We don't have a ship.
Mathesar : [looking at TV screen] But there it is...
Jason Nesmith : [gesturing with his fingers] The ship is that big.
Mathesar : But inside, I see many rooms.
Jason Nesmith : You've seen plywood sets that look like the inside. Our beryllium sphere is... is wire with plaster around it. And our digital conveyor is... it's Christmas tree lights. It's a decoration. It's all fake. Just like me.
Mathesar : But why...?
Jason Nesmith : It's difficult to explain. On our planet, we, uh... we pretend to... to entertain. Mathesar, I am so sorry. God, I am so sorry.
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Jason Nesmith : You guys came. Who wants the grand tour?
[Guy screams]
Jason Nesmith : Anybody else?
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Sir Alexander Dane : You don't hold the turbo down, it's for quick boosts!
Jason Nesmith : Oh, like you know!
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Mathesar : We were hoping you could come with us. Our people have no commander.
Commander Peter Quincy Taggart : Mathesar, I think your people have a great commander, sir.
[salutes him]
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Jason Nesmith : [to Sarris on viewscreen] Hello, Sarris. How you doing?
Sarris : Better than my lieutenant.
[holds up a severed head on a stick]
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[first lines]
Laredo : Exiting the time knot now, Sir.
Tech Sgt. Chen : We're alive.
Laredo : We made it, Commander. We made it.
Dr. Lazarus : By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale.
Voice of Computer : Systems registering functional.
Lt. Tawny Madison : All systems are working, Commander.
Commander Peter Quincy Taggart : I don't like it. It was too easy.
Laredo : Wait. Oh, no! They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere.
Lt. Tawny Madison : A trap!
Dr. Lazarus : We're surrounded, Commander.
[crew screaming as the ship is hit]
Tech Sgt. Chen : It's a core meltdown, sir. It can't be stopped.
Dr. Lazarus : Surrender may be our only option.
Commander Peter Quincy Taggart : No! Never give up, never surrender.
Laredo : Your orders, sir?
[pause]
Laredo : Sir, your orders?
Commander Peter Quincy Taggart : Activate the Omega 13.
[?to be continued? appears on the screen]
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Jason Nesmith : Remember yesterday at the convention, those people dressed like aliens? They were aliens! They were termites or... or dalmations. I can't really remember cause I was kinda hungover.
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Jason Nesmith : As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out, wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars, we'll be there. This fine ship, this fine crew. Never give up... and never surrender.
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Jason Nesmith : Hi! What's up with her, doesn't she talk?
Quellek : Her translator is broken.
Laliari : Yalalalala!
Jason Nesmith : Okey dokey.
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[Sarris forces Jason to tell Mathesar he's an actor on a TV show]
Jason Nesmith : Mathesar, there's no such person as Captain Taggart. My name is Jason Nesmith. I'm an actor. We're all actors.
Sarris : He doesn't understand. Explain as you would a child.
Jason Nesmith : We, uh, we pretended.
[On Malthesar's blank look]
Jason Nesmith : We lied.
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Jason Nesmith : Crewman Madison, the mist of this strange planet is filing my head with such thoughts...
Gwen DeMarco : [pushing him away] It was cute when I didn't know you.
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Jason Nesmith : All right, let's settle down. If we're going to get through this we're going to need self control.
Gwen DeMarco : Self control? That's funny coming from the guy that slept with every Terrakian slave girl and Moon Princess on the show.
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Jason Nesmith : Give me any kind of signal.
Tommy Webber : I'll do this:
[cups hands]
Tommy Webber : CAW! CAW!
Jason Nesmith : What are you, an infant? We have *these*!
[Jason holds up a communicator in front of Tommy]
Tommy Webber : I was just... sorry...
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Gwen DeMarco : Does the rolling *help*?
Jason Nesmith : Yes, it helps.
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Jason Nesmith : Maybe I should get some pants on. Come on in.
[looking for his pants, bends over and moons the Thermians]
Mathesar : Commander, standing here in your presence is the greatest honor we could ever have hoped to achieve in our lifetimes.
Jason Nesmith : Thanks, I really appreciate that. Could you guys look for another shoe? It looks like this.
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Jason Nesmith : I'm not the commander!
Sarris : What did you say?
Jason Nesmith : I said I'm not the commander.
Sarris : Explain.
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Jason Nesmith : I'm going to rest my eyes for a moment. But go on. I am listening...
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Gwen DeMarco : No, the Commander and I never had a... thing.
Jason Nesmith : Well, that's HER story.
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Jason Nesmith : [to Sarris about the Omega 13] You know? OK! Gosh darn it, I give up! It's yours, you can have it. You have to give me a minute to put it in a box for ya. OK?
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Jason Nesmith : There is no quantum flux, there's no auxiliary, there's no goddamned ship! You got it?
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Jason Nesmith : You know, what I could really use here is a cup holder and a couple of Advil.
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Jason Nesmith : You know, you're starting to act a lot like you did in episode 17.
Sir Alexander Dane : [thinks a moment] Ooohhh. Right!
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Jason Nesmith : I got to fight this guy named Sarris, and I kicked his ass!
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Jason Nesmith : Okey dokey, Okey dokey. Lets fire blue particle cannons full, red particle cannons full, gannet magnets fire them left and right, and let 'em run all chutes. And while you're at it, why don't ya toss that at 'em killer
[tossing empty Coke can to gunner]
Jason Nesmith : That should take care of old lobster head shouldn't it?
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Jason Nesmith : This is like... corn fed Iowa beef!
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[Jason is impressed by the Thermian ship's bridge]
Jason Nesmith : This is great. Usually it's just cardboard walls in a garage.
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Jason Nesmith : She's not a fan! This is a... this is a termite!
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Jason Nesmith : Sorry, broke the illusion
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Jason Nesmith : Okey Dokey. You know, guys, I had a late night with a Kreemorian Fangor Beast, so I'm going to just shut my eyes for a bit. Go on. You know, I'm listening to everything you say. Okay?
[Teb rambles on, Nesmith sits back and passes out in the back of the limo]
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Jason Nesmith : Hey, where's my limo?
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Lahnk : Sir, I am Lahnk, senior requisition officer. Before we travel to the ship, please let me know if you have any requirements. Weapons, documents, personnel...
Jason Nesmith : Um, coca-cola? Do you have one of those?
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Gwen DeMarco : Here we go.
Jason Nesmith : Which way, Alexander?
Sir Alexander Dane : This way. No, wait. That way.
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Jason Nesmith : Alright, Tommy, take us into the black hole.
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Tommy Webber : Set a course for home, Commander?
Jason Nesmith : Can you do that?
Tommy Webber : Oh, yes! Just point and click. But, we're going to have to go through the black hole, though.
Jason Nesmith : Any objections? Alright. Set her up.
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[Jason and Gwen reach a catwalk without guard rails]
Jason Nesmith : Wait a minute. We gotta go across this thing?
Brandon : Yes.
Jason Nesmith : [to Gwen] Don't look down.
Brandon : Commander, what I'd give to see what you're seeing!
[What Gwen sees, looking down, is a slowly rotating fan that spans the entire core that they're crossing]
Jason Nesmith : What are you talking about?
Brandon : You're deep in the underbelly of the Omega 13! Oh, it must be spectacular!
Gwen DeMarco : It - it doesn't look like much to me. Just these few walls and this dumb spinning fan that we have in every single...
[Jason looks up and a look of incredulity crosses his face. He points and Gwen looks up, too. What they see is the inner works of the Omega 13, nodules, spinning and glowing, jets of light shooting throughout it]
Jason Nesmith : Brandon. What does the Omega 13 device do?
Brandon : Uh, many have believed that it is a matter collapser: a bomb capable of destroying pretty much everything in about 13 seconds. But myself and others are convinced that what it is is a matter *rearranger*, affecting a 13 second time jump to the past.
Gwen DeMarco : Why 13 seconds? That's really not enough time to do anything of any importance.
Jason Nesmith : It'd be time to redeem a single mistake.
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Jason Nesmith : Sarris is the bad guy, right?
Laliari : Oh yes, sir, he is a very bad man indeed. He has tortured our scientists, put us to work in the gallium arsenide mines, captured our females for his own demented purposes.
