Titus (2000–2002)
David Shatraw: Tommy Shafter
Quotes
-
Christopher Titus : Listen, my niece has been living with us for 3 months, and she is my responsibility. If some bully is harassing her, I'm gonna do something about it! I hate bullies!
Tommy Shafter : You're about to beat up a kid with a bat!
Christopher Titus : Yeah, what's your point?
-
Tommy Shafter : Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
Grandma Titus : Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
Tommy Shafter : I'm not gay.
Grandma Titus : Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.
-
Christopher Titus : It should be a law. Everyone should have to own a gun. In fact, if you get caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove their point.
Christopher Titus : Think about it. There'd be no more car jackings.
Tommy Shafter : [Tommy's car is being robbed by a guy with crowbar, the carjacker shouts "Get out of the car!", Tommy shoots the carjacker] Get out of the street!
Christopher Titus : Bag boys would be more courteous.
Ken Titus : [Ken is at the supermarket, the bag boy puts bread in a bag, then drops a six-pack on the bread. Ken shoots the bag boy] It's canned goods first, then bread!
Christopher Titus : And people in general would just be a lot friendlier.
Erin Fitzpatrick : [after a guy cuts to the front of the line, Erin shoots him] No cuts!
Christopher Titus : I want everybody to get behind this law. Because the first couple of years, a lot of us are gonna die!
-
Amy Fitzpatrick : Chew my boob, homo.
Tommy Shafter : Whip it out.
-
[inside a police station]
Tommy Shafter : Dave's been arrested? Oh great, did they find his marijuana plants?
-
Ken Titus : Shut up, fruit!
Tommy Shafter : Well, you say that, but what you really mean is...
Ken Titus : [interrupting] Shut up, fruit!
-
[after Perry bursts into the house]
Fay Shafter : Perry!
Erin Fitzpatrick : Mr. Shafter!
Tommy Shafter : Dad!
Ken Titus : Homo!
-
Tommy Shafter : [while they are being shot at] I never got to sleep with Erin.
[pause, awkward stares]
Tommy Shafter : I have thoughts!
Christopher Titus : Shoulda taken that one to the grave!
-
Tommy Shafter : [dressed as a clown on Amy's birthday] Hallo, Amy, it's your day-my!
Amy Fitzpatrick : Couldn't you just have sent me a fruit basket?
-
Tommy Shafter : I *nailed* your sister!
Christopher Titus : [smugly] That's great, but there's something you should remember: you also nailed *his* daughter.
[points to Ken behind Tommy]
-
Tommy Shafter : Oh, good, your mom checks her answering machine.
Christopher Titus : Yes, and she also checks under her bed for dust bunnies because they talk to her!
-
Tommy Shafter : War-Cry!
-
[repeated line]
Tommy Shafter : I'm not gay!
-
Christopher Titus : What does it say on the back of that jacket?
Tommy Shafter : It says "Titus High Performance."
Christopher Titus : Are you Titus? Are you Performance? Are you *high*?
-
Ken Titus : What'd you bring me, fruit?
Tommy Shafter : No, too much sugar in fruit.
Ken Titus : No, I'm calling *you* a fruit!