Lucky Numbers (2000)

John Travolta: Russ Richards

Photos 

Quotes 

• Gig : It's merely the concept of gravity.

  Russ : No, no, the concept of gravity is when you fall down and break your head open.

  Gig : Well, obviously your glass is half empty.

  Russ : No, my glass is totally empty!

• Russ : You know, you better start taking notes, because when me and Gig start hashing it out there's going to be a lot of gold flying around and I don't want to miss any of it.

  Crystal : [after Russ's lame bomb scare idea]  Right, then the firemen will come and the policemen will come, so kind of a lame idea, you know.

  Russ : Alright, jeez, it's just an idea, it's a work in progress for God's sake. Even a painter's got to take the brushes and clean them.

  Crystal : Whatever that means.

  Russ : Okay! Do you have any better ideas, Ms. Smarty-Pants?

  Crystal : Why can't I just distract Bobby somehow, the security guy? And you switch the balls.

  Russ : No, no, lame. That's lame.

  Gig : No, that's brilliant. No really, it's so simple, it's brilliant. In its simplicity Russ.

  Russ : [after discussing finding a beard]  Oh, og God, okay, I got it. I buy the ticket in disguise! Okay? And this eliminates all the outsiders. That's it, okay. Yeah, yeah, now we're cooking with gas!

  Crystal : I mean, how would you disguise yourself?

  Gig : What, as Charlie Chaplin? As The Tramp or something?

  Crystal : Yeah, or no, like, from the Wizard of Oz. That guy. The Straw Guy.

  Gig : The Straw Man.

  Crystal : Yeah, the Straw Man, he could put some hay in his clothes and wear a hat.

  [Sarcastically] 

  Crystal : No one would know it's him! Ooh, it's clever.

  Gig : Nobody would ever know! No! Russ.

  Russ : It's the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. If you're going to make fun of me, get your facts straight.

  Crystal : Well, my apologies sir. I am not the cartoon aficionada _sic_ that you are.

  Russ : It's not a cartoon Crystal, it's a movie.

  Crystal : Who gives a shit!

• Russ : [after finding out there are cops in Gig's club]  I've always wanted to give an inmate fame. You know, they kill the celebrities first, then they fuck 'em in the butt!

• Russ : What about the puffer?

  Crystal : Yeah, well at first I couldn't find it, and when we found it... it was all out of you know... shit... the... um

  Russ : Mist?

  Crystal : Yeah that's it. Do you know what his last words were?

  Russ : Come on, don't do this.

  Crystal : Krystal, my sweet angel. Go into my wallet and get the ticket because you and Russ deserve to have that money.

  Russ : Oh, come on... don't do this to me...

  Crystal : Fuck me, no fried clams?

  Crystal : All right... key lime pie!

• Russ : What about this little missy? There's enough mist in this little puppy to save 10 masturbators!

• Larry : Remember I told you about my brother's car, the one that got in a wreck?

  Russ : For the sake of expediency, I am going to say yes.

• Crystal : [after having sex with Russ]  Boy, that is always such a treat. Oh, with Dick it's like having sex with a sloth.

  Russ : Ugh, don't put that image in my head!

• Walter : Do you masturbate, Russ?

  Russ : Jeez, I've been so busy lately I barely polish my shoes.

• Russ : As our Jewish friends say: "Enjoy."

• Larry : Look Russ, remember I told you about my cousin's stepdad? The one with the roadside fun park in Colorado.

  Russ : Well, if you did, my brain immediately purged it.

• Dale : Unfortunately Russell we have a new wrinkle in the situation.

  Russ : Oh really? What's the wrinkle?

  Dale : Basically I had to play pinata with Jerry the bookie's skull. See, that sort of ups the invoice a little.

  Russ : Is he okay?

  Dale : No, he's dead.

  Russ : Oh! Oh, God!

• Dale : Give me the money Russ.

  Russ : Great, Gig. We gotta talk about this.

  Dale : I'll fuckin' ball-bat you, you creep cocksucker!

  Russ : Okay, okay. Okay.

  Dale : [leaving, picks up bottle in curiosity]  Mint Listerine?

  Russ : Yeah.

  Dale : When did they come out with this?

  Russ : I don't know.

  Dale : Is it good?

  Russ : Yeah, it's good.

• Russ : [asking who put his boss in the hospital]  Was it Dale the Thug?

  Det. Pat Lakewood : I don't know, some jerk in a plaid shirt. But don't worry

  [imitates gunfire with his fingers] 

  Det. Pat Lakewood : I killed him.

• Russ : Well, now that Walter's dead we need to find ourself a new beard.

  Crystal : Oh... I know one! We could have Scatter... he's this really sweet guy from high school that installed my carpet.

  [after going through several choices] 

  Russ : Want to have sex?

  Crystal : Oh, yeah sure!

• Dick Simmons : Don't say anything. Not a word. Because if I hear one bullshit comment like, "What's that?" or "What are you talking about?" I'm gonna pick that phone up and call the cops.

  Russ : What? Wh-what do you mean?

  [Dick goes for the phone] 

  Russ : It slipped out! Dick, we're listening. Go ahead.

• Larry : No man becomes wise without stepping on the soil of fools.

  Russ : Right. Right! But I never claimed to be a... that's good. Where did you get that? Is that from the bible?

  Larry : No, actually it's from this play I wrote in eight grade about Evel Knievel.

• Russ : Oh Crystal, we are under surveillance. Last night I stopped by a convenience store. A cop pulled in behind me, he got out, he followed me in... and then he pretended to get a cup of coffee!

  Crystal : Did he pretend to get a doughnut?

• Larry : [sirens wailing]  Don't say a word without a lawyer, even if they beat the crap out of you. Stay strong.

  Russ : Not tonight, nobody's beating the crap outta me.

• Russ : [fleeing while riding a snowmobile]  All right kids, now it's time to play the snowmobile game with your host Russ Richards!

• Russ : [threateningly]  Where is the ticket?

  Dick Simmons : I... I gave it to Larry King.

  [Russ shakes him angrily and a book by Larry King is revealed with the ticket stuffed inbetween]