The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)

Ben Stiller: Chas Tenenbaum

Photos 

Quotes 

• [in a hospital ward] 

  Chas : Why did you try to kill yourself?

  Ethel : Don't press him right now.

  Richie : I wrote a suicide note.

  Chas : You did?

  Richie : Yeah. Right after I regained consciousness.

  Chas : Can we read it?

  Richie : No.

  Chas : Can you paraphrase it for us?

  Richie : I don't think so.

  Chas : Is it dark?

  Richie : Of course it's dark, it's a suicide note.

• Chas : I've had a rough year, dad.

  Royal : I know you have, Chassie.

• Eli : Did I hit the dog?

  Chas : Yeah.

  Eli : Is he dead?

  Chas : Yeah.

  Eli : I need help.

• Royal : First thing I want to do is take you out to see your grandmother, at some point.

  Richie : I haven't been out there since I was 6.

  Margot : I haven't been out there at all, I was never invited.

  Royal : Well, she wasn't your real grandmother, and I never knew how much interest you had, uh, sweetie. Anyway, you're invited now.

  Richie : You know, Rachael's buried out there too.

  Royal : Who?

  Chas : My wife.

  Royal : Oh, that's right, isn't it. Well, we'll have to swing by her grave too.

  [Chas slams his book shut and angrily walks out] 

• Royal : [to Chas]  Well... you sued me... twice. Got me disbarred. I don't hold it against you, do I?

  [cut to Chas and Royal in court, sitting with their lawyers in front of the Judge] 

  Judge : And how is it possible for Mr. Tenenbaum to withdraw these funds without your written authorization?

  Royal : Objection, Your Honor. Damn it, I...

  Royal's Lawyer : Why don't you leave the objections to me, Royal?

  Chas : Because I started the corporation when I was a minor. So, my father was the primary signatory on most of my accounts.

  [Chas' lawyer whispers in his ear] 

  Chas : He also stole bonds out of my safety deposit box when I was fourteen.

  [Royal looks at Chas, then back at the judge. He chuckles uncomfortably] 

  Royal : [back in present day, to Chas]  You think you could start forgiving me?

  Chas : Why should I?

  Royal : Because you're hurting me.

• Ethel : What are you talking about?

  Chas : The apartment. I have to get some new sprinklers and a back-up security system installed.

  Ethel : But there are no sprinklers here either.

  Chas : We might have to do something about that too.

• Richie : I think he's very lonely. Lonelier than he lets on. Maybe lonelier than he even realizes.

  Ethel : Have you spoken to him about this?

  Richie : Briefly. And he agreed that...

  Chas : I'm sorry, maybe I'm a little confused here. What are you suggesting?

  Richie : That he come here and stay in my room.

  Chas : Are you out of your mind?

  Richie : No. I'm not. Anyway I think he'd be much more comfortable here than at...

  Chas : Who gives a shit?

  Richie : I do.

  Chas : You poor sucker. You poor, washed up papa's boy.

• [Chas Tenenbaum and his sons enter his mother's house with several bags] 

  Etheline Tenenbaum : Chas? What's going on?

  Chas : We got locked out of our apartment.

  Etheline Tenenbaum : Well, did you call a locksmith?

  Chas : Uh huh.

  Etheline Tenenbaum : Well, I don't understand. Did you pack your bags before you got locked out?

• Royal : [laying some flowers on the grave of his mother - Helen O'Reilly Tenenbaum, 1899-1954]  She was a tough old broad, wasn't she?

  Chas : I wouldn't know. Excuse me.

  [he starts to head off with his sons Ari and Uzi to visit their mother's grave] 

  Royal : Oh, that's right, we've got another body buried here, haven't we?

• [after the fire drill] 

  Chas : Four minutes, forty-eight seconds. We're all dead. Burned to a crisp.

• Uzi Tenenbaum : Who's your father?

  Chas : His name is Royal Tenenbaum.

  Ari : You told us he was already dead.

  Chas : Yeah, well, now he's really dying.

• [Chas has told Royal to get out of the house. As Royal gets up to leave he suddenly seems to suffer some kind of 'attack' and falls to the floor] 

  Chas : Are you OK?

  Royal : [with a wooden spoon between his teeth]  'Fuck do you care?

• Chas : Please don't get in the middle of this, Mr. Sherman. This is a family matter.

  Margot : Don't talk to him like that.

  Henry Sherman : Call me Henry.

  Chas : I prefer Mr. Sherman.

  Ethel : Call him Henry.

  Chas : Why? I don't know him that well.

  Ethel : You've known him for 10 years.

  Chas : As your accountant, Mr. Sherman, yes.

• Chas : Looks like you and Dad are back together again, huh.

  Richie : He's your dad too, Chas.

  Chas : No, he's not.

  Richie : Yes, he is.

  Chas : You really hate me, don't you?

  Richie : No. I don't. I love you.

  Chas : Well, I don't know what you think you're gonna get out of this, but believe me, whatever it is, it's not worth it.

  Richie : Chas. I don't want to hurt you. I know what you and the boys have been through. You're my brother and I love you.

  Chas : Stop saying that!

• [after seeing Royal asleep on a hospital bed with a heart monitor and IV at his bedside] 

  Chas : Get out.

• Royal : I got a pretty bad case of cancer.

  Chas : [yawns]  How long you gonna last?

  Royal : Not long.

  Chas : A month? A year?

  Royal : About six weeks. Let me get to the point, the three of you and your mother are all I've got and I love you more than anything.

  [Chas scoffs and mock laughs] 

  Royal : Chas, let me finish here. I've got six weeks to set things right with you and I aim to do it. Will you give me a chance?

  Chas : No.

  Royal : Do you speak for everyone?

  Chas : I speak for myself.

• [to Royal] 

  Chas : Please don't come in this room.