- Dean Trumbell: Now get the fuck out of here, pervert!
- Barry: Didn't I warn you?
- Dean Trumbell: Th... That's that!
- Barry: [out of breath to his love Lena] Lena. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you at the hospital. I called a phone-sex line... I called a phone-sex line before I met you, and four blond brothers came after me and they hurt you, and I'm sorry. Then I had to leave again because I wanted to make sure you never got hurt again. And I have a lot of puddings, and in six to eight weeks it can be redeemed. So if you could just give me that much time, I think I can get enough mileage to go with you wherever you go if you have to travel for your work. Because I don't ever want to be anywhere without you. So could you just let me redeem the mileage?
- Barry: I didn't do anything. I'm a nice man. I mind my own business. So you tell me 'that's that' before I beat the hell from you. I have so much strength in me you have no idea. I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine. I would say 'that's that', Mattress Man.
- Dean Trumbell: SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shut up; will you SHUTUP SHUTUP! SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUTUP... SHUTUP! NOW
- [beat]
- Dean Trumbell: Are you threatening me, dick?
- Barry: Why don-...
- [double beat]
- Barry: Y' GO FUCK YOURSELF!
- Dean Trumbell: oh y-...
- [clears throat angrily]
- Dean Trumbell: yo-... FUCK
- [lowers tone]
- Dean Trumbell: did you just saaay go fuck myself?
- Barry: [nervously] ... yes, i did
- Dean Trumbell: That wasn't good, you're DEAD!
- Barry: I'm lookin' at your face and I just wanna smash it. I just wanna fuckin' smash it with a sledgehammer and squeeze it. You're so pretty.
- Lena: I want to chew your face, and I want to scoop out your eyes and I want to eat them and chew them and suck on them.
- [pause]
- Barry: OK. This is funny. This is nice.
- Restaurant Manager: Sir, the bathroom was just torn apart.
- Barry: [nervously] Yeah.
- Restaurant Manager: Did you do it?
- Barry: No.
- Restaurant Manager: You didn't just smash up the bathroom?
- Barry: No.
- Restaurant Manager: Well, who did?
- Barry: [pretends to think] I don't know.
- Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
- Barry: I cut myself.
- Restaurant Manager: How?
- Barry: On my knife.
- [beat]
- Barry: What? What?
- Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
- Barry: I know.
- Restaurant Manager: I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
- Barry: Yeah, but I didn't do anything.
- Restaurant Manager: Sir, I've got no way to prove you've smashed up the bathroom.
- Barry: I didn't do that. I didn't.
- Restaurant Manager: Look, I'm gonna have to ask you to go.
- Barry: Okay, I didn't...
- Restaurant Manager: I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
- Barry: All right, please don't do this to me.
- Restaurant Manager: Sir, I'm gonna call the police.
- Barry: All right. Look, can I just stay?
- Restaurant Manager: Sir, I'm gonna crack your fucking head open. Get out of here.
- Barry: I have to get more pudding for this trip to Hawaii. As I just said that out loud I realize it sounded a little strange but it's not.
- [Barry looks around...]
- Barry: Healthy Choice and American Airlines got together and put this promotion: If you buy any 10 Healthy Choice products, they will reward you with 500 frequent flier miles; with this special coupon, they'll up it to 1,000 miles. So, I think they are trying to push their teriyaki chicken which is $1.79, but I went to the supermarket and I looked around and I saw that they had pudding... for 25¢ a cup... comes in packages of four. But insanely... the barcodes... are on the individual cups! So, quarter a cup, say you bought $2.50 worth. That's worth 500... with the coupon it's 1,000 miles. It's a marketing mistake but I'm taking advantage of it. If you were to spend $3,000, that would get you a million frequent flier miles. You would never have to pay for a ticket the rest of your life.
- Lena: You... you bought all that pudding so that you could get frequent flier miles?
- [first lines]
- Barry: Yes, I'm still on hold.
- Phone Rep: And what was this?
- Barry: I'm looking at your advertisement for the airline promotion and giveaway.
- Phone Rep: Ah, the 10 for 1 mile plan...
- Barry: Yeah, it's hard to understand, because it says "in addition to". But I can't exactly understand in addition to what? Because there's actually nothing to add to.
- Phone Rep: I think that's a typo then.h
- Barry: Okay, so just to clarify - I'm sorry - 10 purchases of any of your healthy choice products equals 500 miles, and with the coupon, the same purchase would value 1000 miles?
- Phone Rep: That's it.
- Barry: Well, do you realize that the monetary value of this promotion and the prizes is potentially worth more than the purchases?
- Phone Rep: I don't know.
- Elizabeth: Where you want her number for.
- Barry: Don't do this to me.
- Elizabeth: Where you want her number for.
- Barry: All i want is her number, can you help me out.
- Elizabeth: Tell me why.
- Barry: There's no reason for you to treat me this way. You're killing me. You're killing me with the way you are towards me.
- Elizabeth: My God.
- Barry: All i want is the fucking number, that should be goddamn good enough for you. Now gimme the fucking number.
- Elizabeth: Oke.
- Barry: You fucking hear me.
- Elizabeth: Yes.
- Barry: I'm sick of this fucking shit.
- Elizabeth: Barry...
- Barry: Stop fucking treating me this way and gimme the fucking number. I'll fucking kill you, you want that.
- Barry: I didn't ask for a shrink - that must've been somebody else. Also, that pudding isn't mine. Also, I'm wearing this suit today because I had a very important meeting this morning and I don't have a crying problem.
- Anna: You cancelled your credit card. I need you not to cancel your credit card and I need you to up your limit.
- Phone Sex Sister: [Barry dials into phone sex line] Oh, hello there guy!
- Barry: Hi, look, this is Barry...
- Phone Sex Sister: [Voicemail recording continues...] You had almost reached me, but not quite. I'm in the other room shaving my roommate's pussy right now... so I'm a bit distracted. But if you leave me your name and your home phone number... area code first please... I'll be sure to call you back as soon as I'm done.
- Barry: Yes, this is Barry Egan, I am calling in regards of what took place the other night... I just wanted to tell everybody I know it was not fair what you did to me... and I am expecting my money back. I realize you have my home phone number... I'm away on vacation right now, if you guys wanna reach me... shortly I will be home and we can discuss how you can return my money. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure that the Police can be contacted and I could do that... and I feel like it's warranted, so let's figure something out! Like I said, I'll be home shortly, give me a call. Ok, thank you.
- Barry: Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna go out of town. I'm gonna go out of town for two days.
- Lance: Where are you going, Barry?
- Barry: I have to go to Hawaii, but you can't tell my sisters.
- Lance: [overlapping] You're going to Hawaii?
- Barry: Yeah, don't tell my sisters though.
- Lance: [overlapping] That's so wonderful, you're going to Hawaii!
- Barry: [overlapping] Just make sure you don't tell my sisters.
- Lena: I'm going to Hawaii on Friday.
- Barry: [excited] Hawaii? I was thinking about going there!
- Lena: [excited] Really?
- Barry: [excited] I was thinking about going there on business!
- Lena: [excited] Well, if YOU're gonna go...
- Barry: [serious] I'm probably not gonna go though...
- Lena: Oh, that's... that's too bad, cause... it's SO great over there, and if you were there we could say... hello to each other or something...
- Barry: [in a single breath] Yes-that-would-be-great-but-I'm-not-exactly-sure-I-have-so-much-going-on-here-a-lot-depends-on-this-thing-if-it-happens-I-won't-be-able-to-go-but-if-it-doesn't-happen-I-might-be-able-to... I probably won't though.
- Barry: Teryaki chicken. Tery... aki chicken. Soup? Soup... soup... Chicken noodle...? Cookies. Pudding. PUDDING!