- Tripp: Do you have real feelings?
- Paula: Of course I have real feelings!
- Tripp: For what?
- Paula: For you! And believe me, I did not want that because I had a good life before you. Well, not good... but... it was okay. Well, it... it was empty, actually, but at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was. Whereas now... because of you... I am acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am. Thank you for that.
- Demo: [to Tripp] You were bitten by a chuckwalla. That shouldn't have happened. It's a reptile of peace. I have a theory. This isn't the first time that nature's lashed out at you like this. I believe it's because your life is fundamentally at odds with the natural world.
- Tripp: Huh?
- Demo: Therefore, nature rejects you.
- Paula: I'm Paula.
- Tripp: I'm Tripp.
- Paula: You know, usually I don't sleep with someone on the first date.
- Tripp: I don't think this counts as a first date.
- Paula: It would be a date if you asked me to have a drink tonight.
- Tripp: Mmm. You wanna have a drink tonight?
- Paula: Mmm. Can't. How about lunch tomorrow?
- Tripp: Sure. Wait. Tomorrow's Saturday.
- Paula: [perplexed] Sometimes I eat on Saturday.
- Tripp: All right, assuming that pretending to own a yacht was a brilliant, romantic yet ultimately flawed idea, how do you see the rest of the day playing out?
- Paula: I don't know. I'm so hungry, I can't think. Seagulls ate my lunch.
- Tripp: What if I took you to a restaurant?
- Paula: Are you gonna pretend to own it?
- Tripp: No. All the restaurants I own are in Europe.
- Paula: [of "her" supposedly dying dog] What's his real name, anyway?
- Veterinarian: I don't know. I just clean their teeth and chop their balls off.
- [the dog whimpers]
- Kit: [inquiring after Tripp's buddies] The tall one's kinda cute. What's he do?
- Paula: Oh, he's some kind of software writer. He works out of his basement, but he makes a lot of money. Oh, you know what? No, that's the little guy. The tall one just got fired from Kinko's.
- Kit: [mockingly] How will I choose?
- Ace: Point is, my friend, you are afraid of love.
- Tripp: Bullshit. No, no, no, man. I'm not afraid of love. I love love. Look, I've had a lot of girlfriends, right? And sometimes I'm the rebound guy; other times, when I get lucky, I'm the explore-new-areas-of-your-sexuality guy; but, every single time, we have fun. Thank you. I have fun, they have fun; it's good for me, it's good for them, and I would argue that it's damn good for civilization as a whole.
- Paula: Look, many young men who should be able to move out simply can't. It's called "failure to launch," and that's where I come in. Young men develop self-esteem best during a romantic relationship, so I simulate one: We have a memorable meeting, we get to know each other over a few casual meals, he helps me through an emotional crisis, then I meet his friends - if he has any - uh, then I let him teach me something; but, the bottom line is, he bonds with me, he lets go of you, he moves out.
- Al: But how do you make sure that he'll fall in love with you?
- Paula: You look nice, you find out what they like, and then you pretend to like it, too.
- Sue: That is pretty much how it works.
- Al: What about sex?
- Paula: Al, I never have sex with a client. Besides, I need to keep Tripp motivated, and let's face it, after men have sex...
- Sue: Is there anything that we need to do?
- Paula: Well, for starters, you could make life a little more difficult for him. You know, uh, more chores, more responsibilities, that kind of thing.
- Sue: I just think you should know that Tripp has had some rough breaks.
- Paula: I promise you, when this is over, Tripp is going to be an independant, self-sufficient adult.
- Tripp: Dude, did you just drop me from a forty-foot cliff? I mean, you want to talk about a friend, man. You went behind my back and blackmailed your way into getting your girlfriend.
- Demo: He's right.
- Ace: I'm sorry I dropped you from a cliff.
- Tripp: It's okay.
- Demo: Granted, he used you, but not out of malice. Look at him. How many chances is he gonna get? He saw a chance for love, Tripp, and he took it, which is exactly what we wanted for you.
- Tripp: Am I getting advice from my two loser buddies who still live at home?
- Ace: Actually, I own my home.
- Demo: What?
- Tripp: No, you don't.
- Ace: I bought it a couple of years ago from my Mom. That way, she has a place to live and I don't get nailed on the inheritance tax.
- Demo: Smart.
- Tripp: Wow.
- Ace: And Demo, here, has chosen the life of a wanderer. I mean, sure, he technically still lives at home.
- Demo: Yeah.
- Ace: But his permanent address is in his heart. He's a bum.
- Demo: I think what we're trying to say is that the two of us are happy, and we're perfectly functional.
- Ace: And you, Tripp, are not.
- Paula: Come on, Tripp. Please, you... you don't understand.
- Tripp: You're right. Now, hold on. I don't know what your daily rate is, but that's everything I've got in my wallet.
- [handing over $300 to Paula]
- Tripp: There's three hundred dollars.
- Paula: Oh, come on, Tripp!
- Tripp: It should be good for tonight, especially since we didn't have sex.
- Paula: Please, Tripp, let me just explain to you.
- Tripp: Get the fuck outta my car.
- Jim The Gun Salesman: [persuading her not to buy a large gun and bullet to shoot a mockingbird] Well for one, there's the book, "To Kill A Mockingbird"...
- Kit: Oh... A copy that, too, right here!
- Demo: I feel a little bit bad because I kind of implied to Paula that I wouldn't say anything, but deception's a poison. It's like margarine - I can't have that in my body.
- Tripp: I do sleep well at night.
- Ace: On a twin bed, with Superman sheets that you've had since you were six.
- Demo: As opposed to you, who sleeps in a King-sized bed in your mother's basement.
- Ace: It's orthopedic, and I need it. And at least I'm not sponging off my parents so I can afford to get laid on every continent.
- Demo: Whoa, whoa... I'm a ramblin' man, I'm a tumble weed, I'm a seeker of truth! And one truth I've learned - a child is a parent's greatest joy, which is why I can't leave my parents' place, because... because they would miss me!
- Al: [walking in on Tripp and Melissa having sex] Tripp, as long as you're up, son...
- Melissa: Oh!
- Al: Oh.
- Tripp: Oh, come on, Pop!
- Al: Ooo.
- Tripp: Whoa, man. Don't you knock?
- Al: What? Your mama's... She's snorin' like a rhino. And then this music got started... heh... heh. Oh, hey, you must be Melody.
- Tripp: Mm-mm.
- Melissa: Melissa.
- Al: Oh! It's Melissa! Ha-ha. It's Melissa. Okay. All right. Y'all have a good time.
- Tripp: Night, Pop.
- Melissa: Huh.
- Tripp: Hmm.
- Melissa: You live with your parents?
- Tripp: Is that a problem?
- Melissa: Are you kidding me?
- Demo: And yet, in America, we're-we're shunned for our lifestyle.
- Tripp: When we should be celebrating our lifestyle. We are men who still live at home.
- Demo: Yes.
- Tripp: We're not here to apologize about who we are, how we do it, or who we live with.
- Demo: No!
- Tripp: I'm looking around this table, hombres, and I see three winners, huh? And to every one of those out there who sees something different, I say "bring it on," 'cause it's gonna take a stick of dynamite to get me out of my parents' house.
- Tripp: [trying to feed a chipmunk a chocolate bar] You want a treat from the big city, boy?
- Demo: He's not a child, Tripp. Look how peaceful he is.
- Tripp: Come here, little boy. You want a little bit of chocolate, baby-boo-boo?
- Demo: You're giving him a Power Bar?
- Tripp: Everybody loves chocolate. Baby-boo-boo?
- Demo: Tripp, he's saying no.
- Tripp: Look into my eyes.
- Demo: He's saying no, Tripp.
- Tripp: Baby-boo-boo?
- [chipmunk bites Tripp's hand]
- Tripp: Aaow!
- Tripp: It's over. She gotta go.
- Ace: You're dumping Paula?
- Demo: What happened?
- Tripp: Same thing that always happens. Everything is going along nice and smooth, we're having a good time, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere - whoap! - she gets serious. I hate to say it, boys, but it is time to take the girl home.
- Tripp: Hey, Pop?
- Al: Hey! Tripp. What are you doing here?
- Tripp: Just came by to get some stuff. What... what are YOU doing?
- Al: Feeding my fish.
- Tripp: Yeah. I see that. You're naked. In my room.
- Al: Well, this is my Naked Room. I mean, it's my house. A man ought to be able to do whatever he wants to do in his own house. Wore a suit for forty years.
- Tripp: So now we got forty years of...
- Al: No suit.
- Tripp: No suit. All right. I'm gonna let you get back to feeding your fish.
- Kit: How much are the bullets for this?
- Gun Salesman #1: Shells. Shotguns use shells. Anyway. Whatever. They're 15 bucks for a box of 25.
- Kit: Okay, I don't need a whole box. I just need... one.
- Gun Salesman #1: You know, I get sad sometimes, too. So many pressures in life, you know? Can I give you a phone number for some people who can help...
- Kit: [finding out that Paula has set her up with Ace] No.
- Paula: It's just coffee. You don't have to marry him.
- Kit: First of all, that's the geeky computer guy. It's bad enough I have to go out with a loser who still lives with his mom, but you led me to believe that it was the handsome minimum-wage slacker.
- Paula: No, I don't... I don't think that I did that.
- Tripp: You're all getting what you wanted. Paula, you don't have to pretend to like me anymore. And, Mom, Dad, you wanted me out of the house. I'm out.
- Tripp: So what do we do now?
- Paula: Actually, it's... it's quite simple. You just have to decide. Do you want to spend the rest of your life having fun or do you want to spend it with me?
- Tripp: Hmm...
- Paula: Shut up! Not everything you say is perfect.
- Tripp: We can have a LITTLE bit of fun, can't we? Huh?
- Ace: Okay, how about this? We send flowers to Paula from Tripp, and, flowers to Tripp from Paula.
- Al: Then what?
- Ace: Then, they love each other.
- Kit: Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Ace: [Whispering to Jeffrey] It's the flowers.
- Jeffrey: [Drops cookie, looking stunned]
- Sue: Thank you Philip. Now let's all try to come up with a plan that's not so idiotic.
- Pizza Waitress: [Observing the video of Paula talking to Tripp] I wish I could talk to guys like that.
- Kit: Well, it's easier when the guy's tied up.
- Pizza Waitress: No, I've talked to guys tied up before.
- [Ace and Demo turn around to look at her]
- Kit: Okay, look. I know I'm a girl and I'm supposed to be better at this emotional crap. But I'm not, so I'm just going to say it. I'm sorry that I pointed out to you that you fell in love with a client and that made you go crazy and turn into a total bitch.
- Paula: [after a long pause] Wow. That must have been really hard for you to say.
- Kit: I thought it was going to be but I just kind of breezed right through it.
- [Paula pretends to be the girlfriend of one of her clients, as they sit in a coffee shop]
- Paula: Hey, I mean, come on. Look at you. You're smart, you're attractive, you love the original "Star Wars" trilogy because it's all about storytelling, and myth, before C.G.I. ruined everything. I mean, come on. What girl wouldn't want to be with you?
- Techie Guy: A shocking number, actually.
- Paula: Well, you know what? It's their loss. You show me a guy who loves Empire and I'll show you a guy who's not afraid of his imagination. Like when Luke gets to the cave and he asks Yoda what's in there and Yoda says...
- Techie Guy: [imitating Yoda's voice with Star Wars music playing in the background] ... Only what you take with you.
- Paula: But he goes in anyway, because he's not afraid of his own mind!
- Techie Guy: He's walking the path of the Jedi, that's why.
- Paula: That's you! You're Luke!
- Al: The boy's thirty-five years old!
- Sue: It's just not fair.
- Al: Thirty-five years!
- Sue: We were good parents and now we're supposed to be done!
- Male BBQ Guest #1: Hey, I don't blame my kid for stayin'. Our place is much nicer than anything he can afford.
- Male BBQ Guest #2: Well, our son's a flight attendant. He travels so much, it doesn't make any sense to have his own apartment.
- Sue: Yeah...
- Female BBQ Guest: Plus, he has a lot of pilot friends who let him stay over.