'Allo 'Allo! (TV Series)

The British Are Coming (1982)

Gorden Kaye: René Artois

Photos 

Quotes 

• René : Good evening, Herr Lieutenant. What is your pleasure?

  Lt. Hubert Gruber : I would like a cognac, if you please?

  René : Maria, cognac for the officer. If you would like to, eh

  Lt. Hubert Gruber : Why not, why not?

  René : [René puts down the cognac. Lt. Hubert Gruber reaches into his pocket and produces a cigar. René mistakes Lt. Hubert Gruber for Leclerc]  I - I - I expect you would like a light?

  Lt. Hubert Gruber : Thank you, you're very kind.

  René : I have no matches.

  Lt. Hubert Gruber : Then why do you ask me if I would like a light?

  René : I'm very sorry.

  Lt. Hubert Gruber : If you have no matches... if you have no matches, take mine. I have a spare box.

  René : Are you one of them?

  Lt. Hubert Gruber : Well, it... it was very lonely on the Russian front.

  Roger Leclerc : A cognac, if you please?

  René : Maria, a cognac.

  Roger Leclerc : [Roger Leclerc reaches into his pocket and produces a cigar. Lt. Hubert Gruber notices and lights Leclerc's cigar. Roger Leclerc to René]  Do you have a light?

  Lt. Hubert Gruber : What do you want a light for? I just lit it.

  Roger Leclerc : Well, I don't want a light, I just wondered... if he had a light.

  René : I have no matches.

  Lt. Hubert Gruber : I've just given you some matches!

  René : These are your matches! They're not my matches.

  Roger Leclerc : [to René]  Is he one of us?

  René : No, he's one of them.

  Roger Leclerc : Please do not tell everybody!

• René : This is my wife, Edith. I have told her everything.

  Michelle Dubois : Will she talk?

  René : Incessantly. But not about anything important.