- Capt. Hans Geering: Do you not see? That if you kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the gâteau from the château.
- René: Simple plots are always the best.
- [Michelle regards the snooker table in the back room of the café]
- Michelle Dubois: What is the biggest break you've had on this table?
- René: Just now, when my wife swallowed that story about the light bulb.
- [Colonel von Strohm compliments Madame Edith]
- Col. Von Strom: Champagne for the handsome Captain and the beautiful singer!
- René: [puzzled] The Colonel is drunk early this evening.
- [Von Klinkerhoffen has ordered the Colonel to woo Madame Edith]
- Col. Von Strom: How can I put this? I don't fancy her.
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Colonel, how can *I* put it? How do you fancy the Russian Front?
- Capt. Hans Geering: She's a good cook.
- Col. Von Strom: [starting to smile] Oh, yes. I'd forgotten that.
- [Colonel von Strohm reveals that he has discovered a plot by the Resistance]
- René: Perhaps they were just trying to kill General von Klinkerhoffen
- Capt. Hans Geering: We're all trying to kill General von Klinkerhoffen.
- Capt. Hans Geering: The chemist gave me a pill containing all his best poisons. You take it with a glass of wine. One drink and, all is quite on the western front.
- Col. Von Strom: Are you sure it will work?
- Capt. Hans Geering: Yes, I told him it was for you.
- Col. Von Strom: Play your cards right and you'll be up stairs
- [with Edith]
- Col. Von Strom: before the bottles finished.
- Capt. Hans Geering: [yells across to the bar] Make it a magnum!
- Capt. Hans Geering: René, that is the jug with the drug.
- René: After all that has happened, I could use a little aspirin.
- [Rene has covered the gâteau for the Kaiser's birthday with sand]
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: You fool, what do you think you are doing?
- René: I did this in memory of the day that the Kaiser was buried.
- Col. Von Strom: [discussing the General] So far, he has only discovered the tip of the iceberg.
- Capt. Hans Geering: You haven't stolen a whole iceberg, have you?
- [the airmen's call to England has been cut off]
- Flying Officer Carstairs: You never asked who won the Boat Race!
- Flying Officer Fairfax: Damm! I knew we called about something!
- [Herr Flick has received the antidote to the poison from the dart intended to kill General von Klinkerhoffen]
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: [Indicating Herr Flick] What is the matter with that man?
- Private Helga Geerhart: [pauses] He had the fish!
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: ...you will therefore, at once, pay attention to this lady
- [Edith Artois]
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: and if possible make her your mistress.
- Col. Von Strom: General, how can I put it? I don't fancy her.
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Coronel, how can I put it? How do you fancy the Russian Front?
- Capt. Hans Geering: She's a good cook
- Col. Von Strom: I'd forgotten that!
- Michelle Dubois: [shortly after Edith Artois caught René on the pool table with Yvette... Edith and Yvette leave] What is the biggest break you've had on this table.
- René: Just now, when my wife swallowed that story about the light bulb.
- Maria Recamier: [Maria catches Renee listening to Herr Flick and Helga plotting in the back room] Renee! You're ease dropping.
- René: These Germans, they are terrible people.
- Maria Recamier: What have you heard?
- René: Von Klinkerhoffen is about to be rubbed out.
- Maria Recamier: Rubbed out, how?
- René: Puff, with a cigarette holder.
- Maria Recamier: [Maria looks across the room at Lt Gruber playing the piano] He plays the piano so beautifully.
- René: Not him.
- Col. Von Strom: One of the first things you learn at Military Accadamy is never to tell a General when he has a chicken on his head.
- René: ...we must put out that bomb before it goes off!
- Michelle Dubois: [stepping out of hiding with a gun] "you will do no such thing..."
- René: My restaurant will be wrecked.
- Michelle Dubois: the crater where it stood will be a monument to the bravery of the resistance.
- René: You are out of your tree.
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: [General von Klinkerhoffen lights the candles on the cake with a bomb, Captain Geering stands up] were are you going?
- Capt. Hans Geering: To the little boys room, the Coronel also wants to go to the little boys room.
- Col. Von Strom: No, I do not.
- Capt. Hans Geering: Yes you do.
- Col. Von Strom: No, I do not!
- Capt. Hans Geering: Coronel.
- [whispers to Colonel von Strom]
- Col. Von Strom: Yes I do!