- René: Well, He threatened to take away my livelihood by driving a tank through my café.
- Capt. Hans Geering: Threatened to drive a tank through you café? The German swine!
- [Colonel von Strom slaps him]
- René: [telling Colonel von Strom that Maria has been taken by General von Klinkerhoffen with the sausage. containing the painting] She had the sausage strapped across her bosom. Any minute now he may get his hands on it.
- Edith: If Maria cracks under the interrogation the General will arrest René, and if he cracks under interrogation he will reveal that you gave him the painting to hide and you will be on the carpet.
- Capt. Hans Geering: Dead!
- Col. Von Strom: Your right, we will shoot René now and stop the lot.
- René: Thank you Edith!
- Edith: If you shoot René then also you will have to shoot me!
- René: Could you shoot her first...
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: You were found snooping around the grounds of my headquarters, what were you doing there?
- Maria Recamier: General, I had a rendezvous with Lieutenant Grubber.
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: A most unlikely story.
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: You may go Grubber.
- Lt. Hubert Gruber: What about the Girl?
- [Maria]
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Do you have a use for her?
- Lt. Hubert Gruber: Not that I can think of, no.
- Helga: [Being shown film of Gestapo vacation] Why are some of you wearing skirts?
- Herr Flick: The ones wearing skirts are girls.
- Helga: I didn't know you had girls in the Gestapo.
- Herr Flick: Who do you think types the threatening letters?
- Herr Flick: If the attention of the General is diverted by a woman of the opposite sex, in whom he has already expressed an interest, I would have time to effect the switch."
- Helga: And, where would we find such a woman...
- [looks down shaking her head]
- Roger Leclerc: [pulling off fake brown mustache, reveling his grey mustache] It is I Leclerc.
- René: Man of a thousand faces, everyone the same.
- Col. Von Strom: [Sneaking past General von Klinkerhoffen's quarters & hearing music, Captain Geering peaks through the keyhole] What's going on in there? Captain Hans Geering: "Helga is doing a striptease." Colonel von Strohm: "We haven't got time for that... Helga?"
- [shoves Captain Geering aside]
- Capt. Hans Geering: Helga is doing a striptease.
- Col. Von Strom: We haven't got time for that... Helga?
- [shoves Captain Geering aside]