Don Stroud: Bert Stanley

Quotes 

• Bert Stanley : [Malloy and Reed are in a lingerie shop interviewing a male customer who had his bag stolen]  I'm in here buying a present for my girlfriend. I sat my briefcase down on the counter, I turned around, and it was gone. I didn't even see who took it.

  Officer Jim Reed : [taking the report]  Can you describe it, sir?

  Bert Stanley : [confused]  Describe it?

  Officer Jim Reed : Yeah, you know: size, color, contents, that sort of thing.

  Bert Stanley : Well, it was sort of big, and made out of a soft leather.

  Officer Jim Reed : [continuing to write down report]  Suede?

  Bert Stanley : [defensive]  Suede?

  [turns to Malloy] 

  Bert Stanley : What's with him? Is he trying to start something?

  Officer Jim Reed : [taken aback, chuckles]  I just asked you if the thing was made out of suede.

  Bert Stanley : [calmly]  Soft leather. Broads carry suede.

  Officer Pete Malloy : [as Reed continues to write, Malloy responds]  Go ahead...

  Bert Stanley : [becomes embarrassed]  Well, it sort of had a strap on it.

  Officer Pete Malloy : [Reed quietly chuckling to himself]  What kind of a strap?

  Bert Stanley : [defensive]  I don't know, just a strap!

  Officer Pete Malloy : [confused]  How long was it?

  Bert Stanley : I don't know...

  Officer Jim Reed : [taking report]  Was it long enough to put over your shoulder?

  Bert Stanley : [reacts to Malloy, angrily]  He is trying to start something, isn't he?

  Officer Jim Reed : [chuckles]  . Look, Mr. Stanley, all I'm trying to do is get a description of the bag, now, was the strap long enough to put over your shoulder?

  Bert Stanley : [angry]  Yeah, maybe! Alright... it was a shoulder strap. I'm at the negligee country trying to buy a nightgown, and I get my little pursey stolen, OK? Are you happy?

  Officer Pete Malloy : [realizing Mr. Stanley's embarrassment]  Mr. Stanley, why don't you just relax? A lot of men are carrying them, there's nothing wrong with them. A matter of fact, they're very practical.

  Officer Jim Reed : [Mr. Stanley relaxes. Reed realizes what to get Malloy for his birthday]