- Morticia Addams: [regarding the Russian dignitaries] Mr. Harris says he's glad their gone. He said he overheard them talking about taking Lurch with them for "scientific purposes."
- Gomez Addams: Ha-ha - "Scientific purposes:" The things people will do to get a good servant.
- Morticia Addams: Most ungracious.
- Morticia Addams: Ah darling, you look so serene and happy when you're throwing knives.
- Gomez Addams: Family trait.
- Morticia Addams: Anything exciting in the mail, dear?
- Gomez Addams: Oh yes: lots of bills!
- Morticia Addams: Wonderful! Will you excuse us, please?
- Gomez Addams: [about Uncle Fester] The last time he was recharged, he took a shower and blew out every fuse in the house.
- Ila Klarpe: [referring to Thing] What is that?
- Sam Harris: Just your imagination.
- Gomez Addams: Don't let him pull your leg, Thing is as real as any of us.
- Uncle Fester: You know Mr Harris, there is an art in relaxing.
- Sam Harris: Well, I'll never master it in this menagerie. I almost got wiped out by a ray gun!
- Uncle Fester: Oh...
- [chuckles]
- Uncle Fester: ... that Pugsley! Such a show-off. That's how we lost Cousin Creep... There he was, giggling and laughing and... and suddenly there he wasn't, still giggling and laughing. It was kind of eerie. But that was old Creepie, he could always take a joke.
- Gomez Addams: Excellent, I'll ring for Lurch.
- Miri Haan: [thick Russian accent] This Lurch, is he serviant?
- Gomez Addams: Yes, he's our butler.
- Miri Haan: Finally we are to meet downtrodden member of the American slave class.
- Ila Klarpe: Poor, weak victim of explotation.
- Sam Harris: Look fellas, I know where there's a dandy little bar downtown with beautiful dancing girls, you'll have a ball there!
- Ila Klarpe: Aha! Miri, take note: guy tries to bribe us, but we refuse, we are strong men! We go later. Now, we go see typical American family.