- Deputy Barney Fife: You sure got slim pickins here. Dogs. Nothin' but dogs.
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Barney!
- Deputy Barney Fife: Andy, if you flew a quail through this room, every woman in it would point!
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Ernest T. I know how important it is to ya to get a girl.
- Ernest T. Bass: I've tried courtin' Hog Winslow's daughter, Hogette.
- Deputy Barney Fife: Pretty name.
- Ernest T. Bass: Hogette is French. French name.
- [animated]
- Ernest T. Bass: Well, I courted her as proper as proper can be! First off, I wrote her a love note asking her to go on out with me. And then I tied it onto the prettiest rock ya ever did see. And then I give it the prettiest toss ya ever did see, right through the front window!
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, did Hogette come on out with ya?
- Ernest T. Bass: Couldn't. Caught her right there.
- [points to a spot above his left ear]
- Ernest T. Bass: Seven stitches.
- Deputy Barney Fife: You lay people have got to learn to leave evidence alone! It's going to make it very difficult now, for us and the boys at the lab!
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: What lab?
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: She think's he's from Boston.
- Deputy Barney Fife: Boston?
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Yeah.
- Deputy Barney Fife: Andy, you did that good a job or Mrs. Wiley's a nut!
- Ernest T. Bass: [hands a potato to Andy after being told not to throw food] I passed it! I didn't heave it!
- Andy Taylor: While Barney is a hardened, experienced lawman on the outside, if you look on the inside, you'll find a sociable, sophisticated man.
- Ernest T. Bass: [turns to face Barney] You can afford to be might proud of yourself!