- Sheriff Andy Taylor: You... You could put a sign in the window sayin' "Two Chairs - No Waitin'".
- Floyd Lawson: Yeah. Yeah! Gee, whiz! Two chairs! And I got the magazines to swing it!
- Opie Taylor: Pa, I don't wanna haircut. Those little hairs get down inside my shirt and they itch.
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Take a bath and wash 'em off.
- Opie Taylor: A bath! I have to take a bath, too?
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: That's right.
- Opie Taylor: This is turnin' out worse than I thought.
- Barney Fife: [concerned about Floyd's cut of his sideburns] Andy!
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Mm.
- Barney Fife: Look at this!
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Look at what?
- Barney Fife: Can't ya see? They ain't even!
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, I'll be dogged, you're right.
- Barney Fife: Doggone, I knew it! I told him!
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: One ear *is* longer than the other!
- Barney Fife: You're almost as funny as Floyd, you know that? Why don't you two team up and call yourselves Frick and Frack!
- Aunt Bee Taylor: [having heard from Sarah, the town switchboard operator, about Bill Medwin's "girlfriends"] Well, I don't know what kind of girls they are, but from their names they sound like chorus girls or such. Tiger Lil, Brown-Eyed Mary, Lindy Lou.
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: They are kind of strange names, for a fact.
- Aunt Bee Taylor: And they stay up late, too! Something Sarah said about Tiger Lil not coming home until ten to one and Brown-Eyed Mary not 'til eight to five!
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Kind of an odd time.
- Aunt Bee Taylor: And that's not the worst! Lindy Lou didn't show at all! Don't know how he could stand it! She was supposed to go to his place and she didn't even show!
- Opie Taylor: It is, too, Joey!
- Opie's friend Joey: It is not! You're crazy!
- Opie Taylor: I'll betcha! I'll betcha that's Barney! Barney? It *is* Barney! See, Joey? Whatcha' doing, Barney? Trick or Treat?
- Opie's friend Joey: You sure do look funny, Barney!
- Opie Taylor: He looks like Ms. Cox in the second grade, don't he?
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Them fellas goin' into the barber shop there.
- Barney Fife: What about 'em?
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ain't they the same three fellas we saw goin' in there yesterday about this time?
- Barney Fife: Yeah. Now that you mention it, they do look familiar.
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Yeah. Don't that seem a little strange to you, customer goin' back to the barber shop the very next day?
- Barney Fife: No.
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: No?
- Barney Fife: No. Didn't you ever hear of a person with a compelsion complex?
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: A what?
- Barney Fife: Compelsion complex! You know, like when folks gotta be a-washin' their hands all day long, that's a hand-washin' compelsion. Well, what you're lookin' at there, that's a case of hair-cuttin' compelsion.
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: All three of 'em?
- Barney Fife: Well, all three of 'em's got the compelsion! Listen, you find compelsion nuts all over!