- [Batman's eulogy, by the Joker]
- The Joker: Dear friends... today is the day the Clown cried. And he cries not for the passing of one man, but for the death of a dream. The dream that he would someday taste the ultimate victory over his hated enemy. For it was the Batman who made me the happy soul I am today. How I agonized over the perfect way to thank him for that. Perhaps with a cyanide pie in the face. Or an exploding whoopie-cushion playfully planted in the Batmobile.
- [Anger starts to creep into his tone as he looks at Sidney; everyone moves away from Sid quickly]
- The Joker: But those dreams were dashed by the weaselly little gunsel sitting there in our midst. The cowardly insignificant gonif who probably got lucky when Batman slipped on the slime trail this loser left behind him. This mound of diseased hyena filth who's not fit to lick the dirt from my spats...!
- [regains composure]
- The Joker: But I digress. The time for sorrow has passed. It's time to look to a future filled with smiles. And I'll be smiling again just as soon as we take that man THERE...
- [points to Sid]
- The Joker: ...and slap him in that box THERE...
- [points to Batman's coffin]
- The Joker: ...and roll him into that vat of acid THERE!
- [points to said vat of acid]
- Sidney Debris: No! No! I never meant to do it!
- [the Joker's henchmen grab him and stuff him into the coffin]
- Sidney Debris: Help! This isn't funny anymore!
- [the Joker raids a jewelry shop, and waits for Batman to appear. Ages later, a number of policemen show up, but no Knight in sight...]
- The Joker: WHERE IS HE? He's never been late! There's a certain rhythm to these things: I make trouble, he shows up, we have a few laughs and the game starts all over again!
- [glowers at Sid]
- The Joker: Only now, thanks to YOU... I have this terrible feeling that he's really not coming.
- [Harvey Bullock looks suspiciously at a lawyer]
- Detective Harvey Bullock: Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?
- Harley Quinn: I believe I served you with a subpoena once... It was a small subpoena.
- The Joker: You know, there's just one thing bothering me about your story, Sidney. No body. No Batus delecti, if you will. We need to pull a job tonight to be sure.
- Murphy: Be sure of what, boss?
- The Joker: [doing a double-take at Murphy] Why that old Batsy's bought the cave, of course. And one more thing, Murphy... don't ask stupid questions.
- [Joker pushes Murphy into the midst of Harley Quinn's two hyenas, who claw off his shirt and lick him silly]
- Harley Quinn: I'll get the mop.
- [after locking Sid in a coffin and dropping the coffin into a vat of acid]
- The Joker: Well, that was fun! Now, who's for Chinese?
- Harley Quinn: [covered in jewels] Whheee! Look at all the pretties!
- The Joker: Put them back, Harley.
- Harley Quinn: Awww, you're such a kidder, Mr J. You never could...
- The Joker: [grabbing Harley in a chokehold] I said put them back!
- [tosses her across the room]
- Harley Quinn: [shocked] S-s-sure, boss. I can do that. This is me putting them back. No problemo...
- Sidney Debris: Boy, am I glad to see you! Wait a minute... how come you're alive?
- Batman: I rolled away from the tank before it exploded. Since you thought I was dead, I thought I'd follow you and find out about the drug racket.
- Sidney Debris: Then... it was you who saved me from the Joker?
- Batman: That's right.
- Sidney Debris: Well, glad to be of service. See ya...
- [walks off, but Batman grabs his jacket]
- Batman: You're still an accomplice in Thorne's gang.
- Sidney Debris: [sad laugh] Guess I just can't win for losing, huh?
- Batman: Oh, I don't know. In the right environment, a man of your "dangerous reputation" could gain a lot of respect...
- [last lines]
- [In prison, Sid is hailed as the man who NEARLY killed Batman]
- Sidney Debris: A big shot at last!
- Sidney Debris: Who'd want to bail me out? My mother doesn't even speak to me anymore, and my parole officer's still in jail...
- Rupert Thorne: So the famous Sid the Squid is merely a pathetic victim of circumstances... just how stupid do you think I am?
- Sidney Debris: Excuse me?
- Rupert Thorne: Do you think I didn't hear the rumors about the third-rate stumblebum who took out the Batman? And now you say you accidentally made a fool out of the Joker? No one's that lucky OR stupid!
- Sidney Debris: But I am, honest!
- [Sid stumbles over a ledge and clutches Batman's cape, hampering the Knight]
- Batman: Stop struggling! Let go!
- Rupert Thorne: From pinching pennies to rubbing elbows with the Joker! Not bad, Sidney...
- Sidney Debris: Please. Connections like HIM I can do without...
- [first lines]
- [arriving at Rupert Thorne's manion]
- Sidney Debris: [agitated] I have to speak to Mr Thorne!
- [Sid's lawyer uses a powder puff on her face intensively]
- Sidney Debris: [coughing] Lady, ease off on the make-up!
- Harley Quinn: My boss likes me to wear a smile to work...
- [Joker seals Sidney in a coffin and sends him on a conveyor belt toward a vat of acid]
- Sidney Debris: Would it help if I said I was sorry? I'm really, really, really, really sorry!