The Beverly Hillbillies (TV Series)

Doctor Jed Clampett (1964)

Buddy Ebsen: Jed Clampett

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dean Cromwell : [Jed is asked to give an acceptance speech upon receiving his honorary degree]  You have an inspirational success story for those young people.

  Milburn Drysdale : I think just a simple thank-you would be best.

  Dean Cromwell : Nonsense, we all want to hear the inspiring story of how Mr. Clampett made his fortune.

  Jed Clampett : Well, I could tell 'em that. It's short. Ya see, Granny was honin' for some gopher gravy. I went down to the slough to shoot one, but just as I cut loose, that little varmint skedaddled, and oil come a oozin' outa that slough just like sorghum out of a leaky hog trough. That's how I made my fortune.

  Dean Cromwell : Perhaps a simple thank-you would be best.

• Daisy Moses : Why them durn-fool, crazy, mixed-up college kids, they made a mistake!

  Elly May Clampett : Well, what do you mean?

  Daisy Moses : I've been doctorin' over 50 years and they give the certificate to Jed.

  Jed Clampett : What's all the shoutin' about down there?

  Daisy Moses : Well, yonder he comes, the college doctor, the one with the fancy piece of paper that says he knows everything. How do you cure the vapors? What do you do for quinsy?

• Jed Clampett : I reckon it's like the old saying goes, "Nothin' greases the chute like money."

• Jed Clampett : The little girl here woulda tore your heart out. Poor little thing had a nervous tic in her foot. Couldn't stop tappin' it. She had wore out so many pairs of shoes, her ma had to put iron plates on 'em.

• Daisy Moses : Take that man

  [the fire-eater] 

  Daisy Moses : to the kitchen! Give him some bakin' soda and buttermilk!

  Jed Clampett : Make sure and get the jug with the buttermilk. You give him some of Granny's corn squeezins, and he'll hiccup this house to a cinder.

• Jed Clampett : I'll get that college to make you a doctor if it takes ever cent I got.

  Daisy Moses : They offered to make me one. Even give me a test.

  Jed Clampett : They did?

  Daisy Moses : Asked me the craziest durn-fool questions you ever did hear, had me puttin' pegs in holes, lookin' at spilt ink, but I passed it!

  Jed Clampett : Good fer you.

  Daisy Moses : That's what I thought until they put me in that white doctor's coat. The crazy, durn-fool thing had sleeves that tied in the back.

  Jed Clampett : That makes no sense at all.

  Daisy Moses : If Jethro hadn't been there to rip it off of me, I'd still be tryin' to get out of it.