- Jed Clampett: I just can't think of no quicker way to kill a romance than to meet a feller totin' a skunk in yer arms.
- Wilkins: At present, he's on a diet of Swiss yogurt. We hunted all over Beverly Hills to find it.
- Jed Clampett: Jethro, get out yer rifle and hunt down one of them Swiss yogurts.
- Jethro Bodine: Okay, Uncle Jed. Oh, and I'll take little Deusey along to make sure I shoot the right kind.
- Wilkins: But they're violent people. Granny threatened me with a shotgun.
- Milburn Drysdale: What did you say about the South?
- Elly May Clampett: And I'll learn you wrasslin' so as the big kids won't be pickin' on you.
- Armstrong Dueser McHugh III: Oh, I'd like that. And perhaps I could assist you in some subject. How about English?
- Elly May Clampett: Thank you, little Deusey, but I done been learned to talk that. I kind of have a hankerin' for history though. What you studyin' in that?
- Armstrong Dueser McHugh III: At present, we're on the Civil War.
- Daisy Moses: You mean the war betwixt the Yankees and the Americans?
- Jed Clampett: You boys run along now, you're excused.
- Daisy Moses: Just a minute, sonny. Who'd they learn you won that war?
- Jed Clampett: Granny, the boys got studyin' to do.
- Daisy Moses: I want an answer to my question. We is payin' school taxes and I wanna know that they're learnin' our young-uns the truth. Now, who did they say won, the North or the South?
- Jed Clampett: [sings] Oh I wish I was in Dixie, down south, the South.
- [winks at Dueser]
- Daisy Moses: Hush up, Jed. I can't hear the boy's answer.
- Armstrong Dueser McHugh III: Why Madam, every true student of history knows that the glorious army of that brilliant and beloved leader, General Robert E. Lee, were never really defeated.
- Daisy Moses: Hallelujah! Stay fer supper.
- Jethro Bodine: Hey little Deusey, didn't our history teacher over to the school say...
- Armstrong Dueser McHugh III: [sings] Oh I wish I was in Dixie, down south, the South.
- Daisy Moses: Smart little feller, but I gotta learn him the right words to "Dixie."
- Daisy Moses: Hold on a minute. I don't wanna tangle with no soldier in the Confederate gray.
- Wilkins: This is not a Confederate uniform. Now remove your hand and lead me to Master Armstrong.
- Daisy Moses: And if I don't?
- Wilkins: I'll have to take him by force.
- Daisy Moses: Is that a fact?
- Wilkins: Like Grant took Richmond.
- Daisy Moses: What did you say?
- Wilkins: A shall take him like Grant took Richmond.
- Daisy Moses: That's what I thought you said.
- [Granny throws Wilkins out the front door]
- Daisy Moses: [sings] Gonna bake a tater pie to give to little Deuse/And it'll taste so good his toes will curl up in his shoes/To bake a tater pie it takes a lot of possum fat/ And I don't that feller chef can bake it in his hat.