- Jane Hathaway: Jethro, Jethro, what's going on?
- Jethro Bodine: I'm courtin' you. I cain't eat or sleep without you.
- Jane Hathaway: Oh no, no.
- Jethro Bodine: That's the truth. Granny won't feed me or make my bed.
- Jed Clampett: I'll need about 5 minutes with Mr. Drysdale. You wanna come up and visit with Miss Jane?
- Jethro Bodine: No thanks Uncle Jed. She always looks at me so funny. Kind a like a...
- Jed Clampett: ...hungry hound lookin' in a butcher's window?
- Jed Clampett: Miss Jane got herself a fella.
- Daisy Moses: I ain't conjurin' for Miss Jane. I'm conjurin' for my old maid granddaughter. I aim to see her married before she's all wasted away!
- Jed Clampett: Elly could waste away a good bit and still be ahead of Miss Jane.
- Milburn Drysdale: I have a feeling that Granny's conjure is going to get action this time.
- Jed Clampett: Oh, it's got action before. I remember one time back home, it brought every fella within 5 miles a runnin'.
- Milburn Drysdale: Really?
- Jed Clampett: Yep. She set the cabin on fire.
- [Mr Drysdale thinks it's a joke and laughs until Jed gives him a stern look]
- Milburn Drysdale: Mr. Drysdale, that ain't very funny.
- Milburn Drysdale: If anything happens to your plan A, I'll be ready with my Plan B.
- Jane Hathaway: What's that?
- Milburn Drysdale: You're both fired.
- Daisy Moses: Write your name on this paper and then burn it. Then take the ashes and put 'em in this hollered-out peach pit.
- Elly May Clampett: Yes ma'am.
- Daisy Moses: Then get 14 petals and lay 'em out on the ground underneath your bedroom window in the shape of a heart.
- Elly May Clampett: Yes ma'am.
- Daisy Moses: Then dig a hole in the middle and bury the peach pit with a lock of your hair.
- Elly May Clampett: Yes ma'am.
- Daisy Moses: Then close yer eyes and spin around 3 times and throw this magic buckeye on the roof.
- Elly May Clampett: What's all this fer?
- Daisy Moses: Well I might as well tell ya. When you do all that and I throw my secret conjure on the fire, you get a fella.
- Elly May Clampett: That's dandy. Just for good luck, Ill hang a horseshoe on the door.
- Daisy Moses: No. No no child, I wouldn't want folks thinkin' I'm superstitious.
- Daisy Moses: Jed, I've been workin' 3 days on this conjure and I aim to throw it in that fire. Now get dressed in your company clothes while I say my spell.
- Jed Clampett: I think I'll wait till you're done. I might have to do some firefightin'.
- Daisy Moses: Magic powder, magic brew/ In the fire and up the flue/ Fetch a man and fetch a minister/ So poor old Elly won't be a spinister.
- Jed Clampett: Spinister?
- Daisy Moses: I'm a scientist, not a poet.
- Daisy Moses: We dasn't wait any longer to get that girl a husband. Cousin Pearl says that folks back home are beginnin' to talk, askin' about your spinster daughter.
- Jed Clampett: That's back in the hills. Out here, girls seen to reach their prime a mite later.
- Daisy Moses: Now Jed, lets not fool ourselves with city talk. You know and I know that prime is 14. Anything over that and you're slidin' downhill.
- Milburn Drysdale: Now you will proceed to the Clampett house, where you'll put Plan A into operation.
- Dean Peters: Plan A?
- Milburn Drysdale: Yes, a course of action so brilliantly conceived, so carefullty thought out, so absolutely foolproof that the Clampetts will never suspect that you're a paid escort.
- Dean Peters: Sounds great. I'd like to hear about it.
- Milburn Drysdale: And you will as soon as Miss Hathaway comes up with it.
- Daisy Moses: Now before I let you meet my granddaughter, I got to know all about you.
- Dean Peters: Well, my name is Dean Porter...
- Daisy Moses: That's enough. Elly May, there's a fella down here to meet ya.
- Milburn Drysdale: I'm paying you to entertain that girl and that's what you're going to do if you have to play hide-and-seek!... Oh really? Well, hang up before she finds you.
- Daisy Moses: Well I'm done waitin' on Mr. do-nothin' Drysdale. He can't even get his own secketary a husband.
- Jed Clampett: Well maybe he ain't tryin'. Maybe Miss Jane ain't ready to git married.
- Daisy Moses: Ain't ready? have you ever seen the way she looks at Jethro?
- Jed Clampett: Kinda like a hungry hound lookin' in a butcher's window.
- Daisy Moses: We deceived ya. She ain't 14.
- Dean Peters: I'll say she ain't.
- Daisy Moses: I don't blame you for bein' upset. No man wants a woman that fer over the hill.