Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV Series)

The Zeppo (1999)

Nicholas Brendon: Xander Harris

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rupert Giles : Uh, Xander, um, I think in the future perhaps it would be best if you-you, uh, hung back to the rear of the battle, for your own sake.

  Xander Harris : [facetiously]  But, gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories, I'll *never* be a good reporter.

  Rupert Giles : Hmm?

  Xander Harris : Jimmy Olsen joke, sir. Pretty much gonna be lost on you, huh?

• Xander Harris : But... it's just that it's bugging me... this "cool" thing. I mean, what is it...? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it. And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of cool?

  Oz : Not sure.

  Xander Harris : I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?

  Oz : Am I?

  Xander Harris : Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, noncommittal phrases?

  Oz : Could be.

• Xander Harris : No. You're in a band. That's like a business-class ticket to cool with complimentary mojo after takeoff. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?

  Oz : Not the way I play it.

• Cordelia Chase : It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers, Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires, and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like... Jimmy Olsen.

  Xander Harris : [laughs]  I was just talking to... Hey, mind your own business.

  Cordelia Chase : Ooh, I struck a nerve. The boy that had no cool.

  Xander Harris : I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a *lot* to offer.

  Cordelia Chase : Oh, please.

  Xander Harris : I do.

  Cordelia Chase : "Integral part" of the group? Xander, you're the-the *useless* part of the group. You're the Zeppo. "Cool." Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has and you don't.

  Cordelia Chase : [leaving, talking to herself]  There was no part of that that wasn't fun.

• Xander Harris : Listen, do you guys need any help?

  Rupert Giles : Hm? Oh, no, no. Thank you. Probably, uh, best if you-you stay out of trouble.

  Xander Harris : No chance of that.

  Jack O'Toole : Xander! Motor!

  Rupert Giles : There's something... different about this... menace. Something in the air... The stench of death.

  Xander Harris : Yeah, I think it's Bob.

• Xander Harris : But you need a thing... one thing nobody else has... What do I have?

  Oz : An exciting new obsession, which I feel makes you very special.

• Xander Harris : Yeah. Great knife. Although I think, um, it may, technically, be a-a sword.

  Jack O'Toole : She's called Katie.

  Xander Harris : You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you.

• Xander Harris : Why is it that I've come face-to-face with vampires, demons, the most hideous creatures Hell ever spit out, and I'm still afraid of a little bully like Jack O'Toole?

  Cordelia Chase : Because, unlike all those other creatures that you've come face-to-face with, Jack actually noticed you were there.

  Xander Harris : Why am I surprised by how comforting you're not?

• Buffy Summers : And, you know, with the pain and then the death maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be... fray-adjacent.

  Xander Harris : Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?

  Faith : Yeah. That was real manly how you shrieked and all.

  Xander Harris : I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.

• Xander Harris : I'll take 2 glazed, 2 cinnamon couple cream-filled and a jelly. No, no. Let's round that out to 4 jellies.

  Cordelia Chase : [entering]  Ooh, is some evil going on? Must be big for them to entrust you with this daredevil mission.

  Xander Harris : Cordelia. Feel free to drop dead of a wasting disease in the next 20 seconds.

  Cordelia Chase : Ooh, again, I strike the nerve. I am the surgeon of mean.

• [after a demon attack during which Xander hid] 

  Xander Harris : If anyone sees my spine layin' around, just try not to step on it.