- Eileen Swift: Sheila? You got younger!
- Sheila Fine: Try as I might, I can't seem to age! How do you do it?
- Ross Harper: Good evening. Tonight I'd like to address a subject of concern to all Americans. The subject I'm talking about is me. Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I did not total my father's car. The word "total" implies damage so irreparable that sending me to military school becomes a distinct possibility. In this case, the only damage I inflicted on my father's car was to the right rear fender... the right rear door, the right front door... the hood, the tail lights, the tailpipe and the cigarette lighter. You may ask, how did I do this to my father's car? The answer is simple. Parallel parking. At the time I backed into that parking space, I had no idea that it was already occupied by a Yugo!
- Brian Harper: I'm not pretending to be your husband.
- Eileen Swift: Why not? You've got to! You're my last resort!
- Kate Harper: Oh don't, Eileen, it'll go to his head!