- Vance Duke: [reading aloud from newspaper] The jewel robbery that took place was seen by Jesse Duke. He told the police that he will be able to identify the croofs just as soon as he gets his sight back.
- Coy Duke: Uncle Jesse sounds like a real hero!
- Vance Duke: Sounds to me like a real sittin' duck!
- Uncle Jesse: [on CB in pickup truck] You boys, you be good, you hear?
- Daisy Duke: [on CB in General Lee] Uncle Jesse, don't you worry, 'cause I'm gonna keep my eye on 'em. You see, if Vance drives one mile over fifty-five, neither o' these fellas is gonna get any o' my sugar baked ham tonight.
- [Jesse chuckles at this]
- Vance Duke: Why, that's blackmail!
- Daisy Duke: That's right!
- [they all laugh]
- Uncle Jesse: Flowers and blue skies. You really don't miss these things much until we can't see 'em no more. But if I never see again, thank goodness I've... had my share of flowers and blue skies and... sunsets.
- Boss Hogg: Jesse, I guess it's no secret that, eh, Rosco and me, we gotta be somewhere in seven minutes. Eh, and we'd better, or I stand to lose ten thousand dollars.
- Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane: Yeah.
- Boss Hogg: So, you wouldn't mind, would ya, if we left you alone for a teensy weensy, itty bitty little while?
- Uncle Jesse: J.D., a fellow's gotta do what a he's gotta do, even if it's crookider than a corckscrew. You go right ahead.
- Boss Hogg: Oh, thank you, Jesse, I knew you'd understand!
- Uncle Jesse: [Jesse hears someone enter the house] Coy? Vance? J.D.? Ro-, Ro-, Ro- did you fellas change your minds?
- Parker: Well no, sir, I'm not exactly one of your friends. I'll give you a guess, though.
- Uncle Jesse: If you got blond hair, the blue eyes of a wild dog and a scar on your left cheek, I don't have to guess. You're the scum of the Earth.
- Parker: Yep, right on the money, you got it, pop.