- Martin: Maybe you should watch TV somewhere else.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I should go elsewhere? I? Just what do you suggest, that I find a documentary bar and watch it on their big screen?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Everyone, I would like to introduce you to the newest member of our furniture family!
- [Frasier pulls of the cover to reveal a near perfect replica of Martin's original chair, sans the duct tape]
- Martin: Oh!... Where did you find this?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: You can't find that, Dad - it doesn't exist anymore. Which is why I contacted a master builder, showed him some photographs, and had him duplicate it. As for the material, I tracked down the original manufacturer, and once I got them to admit they made it, I had them reweave it!
- Daphne Moon: It must have cost a fortune!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes. Ironically, this is now the most expensive piece of furniture in the entire apartment.
- Martin: [sits down] It's beautiful! Thank you, son!
- Dr. Niles Crane: Well done, Frasier.
- Martin: Oh, it feels just the same - I don't want to get up!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, that's a shame, because I was planning on taking us both out to dinner this evening, Dad - anywhere you'd like!
- Martin: [gets up] Even the steakhouse?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Even the steakhouse!
- [Frasier gets their coats]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, Daphne, you're welcome to join us.
- Daphne Moon: Oh, sorry, but we're in the middle of my piano...
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, we'd love to.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I'll bet we can get free pie if we just tell them it's our anniversary!
- Dr. Niles Crane: What color is the new carpet?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm going up a shade... to Harvest Wheat.
- Dr. Niles Crane: I thought the next shade up was Buff.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: It used to be! But they've discovered a whole new color in between.
- Dr. Niles Crane: So now it's Tofu, Putty, Oatmeal...
- Dr. Niles Crane, Dr. Frasier Crane: Almond, Harvest Wheat...
- Dr. Frasier Crane: ...and Buff.
- Dr. Niles Crane: That's going to be hard to get used to.
- James the Waiter: Hi, I'd like to tell you about our new frozen coffee drink, the "Caffalanche." It comes in three flavors: "Frosty Coffee", "So Cocoa Cold", and "Chilla in Vanilla".
- [first lines; Niles is playing the piano while Martin and Daphne sit down to breakfast]
- Daphne Moon: I love it when he plays the piano. No matter how gloomy it is outside, it makes everything seem a little brighter.
- Martin: [digging in] I feel the same way about bacon.
- [after Frasier accidentally destroyed Martin's armchair, Martin enters the café where Frasier and Niles are talking]
- Dr. Niles Crane: Hey, Dad. Um, taking Eddie for a walk?
- Martin: Yeah, I was afraid if I left him home, Frasier would set him on fire and throw him off the balcony.
- [Martin goes to the counter]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Niles] You see what I'm putting up with?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Are you going to let this go on forever?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Me? He's the one who keeps insisting I was lashing out deliberately - which I was not, although God knows it would have been justified.
- Dr. Niles Crane: What, because of the oil?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: This is a lot deeper and a lot darker than oil, and you know it. The man will not get off my back.
- Dr. Niles Crane: It seems to me you've been giving as good as you've been getting.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, please. Ever since our so-called anniversary, he keeps insisting on...
- Dr. Niles Crane: Wait, whoa, whoa. What does your anniversary have to do with this?
- [pause]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I guess it just set me off. It was as though everyone was saying that the only significant relationship I'll ever have again is with my father!
- Dr. Niles Crane: So you're not mad at Dad. You're just mad that he isn't a woman.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [later, Martin comes back]
- Martin: Well, I've got my coffee. Nothing fancy, but if you don't like it, you're welcome to set it on fire and throw it off the balcony.
- Martin: Dandy! You've had a breakthrough and I've lost my chair. Maybe I can sit on your breakthrough.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I'll tell you what you can sit on...!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [frantically calling the elevator after accidentally destroying Martin's chair] What do we do? What do we say?
- Dr. Niles Crane: All right, all right, calm down. The important thing is it didn't hit anyone.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, at least we have that! But how do we explain this?
- Dr. Niles Crane: We-we just tell them what happened as clearly and rationally as possible.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Right! Right! Rational!
- [the elevator door opens to reveal Martin, sans Daphne]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh my God, did you feel that earthquake?
- Martin: What the hell happened?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Where's Daphne?
- Martin: She's down cleaning up the mess!
- [Niles heads into the elevator. Frasier follows Martin into the apartment]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, I can explain!
- Martin: You threw my chair off the balcony?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm so sorry! Just hear me out...
- Martin: Are you crazy?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I didn't mean to!
- Martin: Forget what it means to me, you could have killed someone!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: It was an accident!
- Martin: You said there are no accidents!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Clearly I was wrong! I mean, why on earth would I do such a thing?
- Martin: [seething] Because you've always been gunning for that chair! I accidentally stain your carpet, and you set fire to the one thing in this apartment I care about and HEAVE it out into the street!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, I am so sorry, I didn't mean to! Please, forgive me! I'll buy you another chair...
- Martin: Ah, don't do me any favors!
- [Martin angrily heads to his room]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: No, please, Dad, look, I know you're angry right now, and that's normal. I'll tell you what, the healthiest thing you can do right now...
- Martin: Want to know the healthiest thing *you* can do?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Shut my yap.
- Martin: *BINGO!*
- Martin: That guy sure looks cold. What are we watching?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I'M watching "Lost on the Mountain".
- Martin: Ah. Is that the mountain?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [coldly] Yes.
- Martin: Well, they sure don't look lost.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: That's the search party.
- Martin: Oh.
- [beat]
- Martin: So who's lost?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Apparently you are. If you don't stop interrupting, I will be too.