Frasier (TV Series)

Give Him the Chair! (1994)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• Niles : [testing a chair in the showplace]  I never knew a chair could be this satisfying. I never knew anything could! I want it!

  Frasier : Yes, Niles, I'm sure it would fit right in with all of Maris' Eighteenth Century antiques.

  Niles : Well then, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side.

• [off-screen, Eddie is barking] 

  Frasier : What is the matter with him?

  Daphne : He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone too. I think he suspects foul play.

  [Eddie keeps barking] 

  Frasier : Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!

• Frasier : By tonight my dad will be safely back in his beer-stained, flea-infested, duct-taped recliner, adjusting his shorts with one hand and cheering on Jean-Claude Van Damme with the other. Yes, it's quite a little piece of heaven I've carved out for myself, isn't it?

• [Niles lets Daphne try on a necklace he bought for Maris, but it falls down the front of her blouse; Frasier enters] 

  Frasier : Hello, Niles. Whatever are you doing here?

  Niles : I, um, bought an emerald necklace for Maris, and I needed some place to hide it for her birthday.

  Frasier : Emeralds? Well, may I see it?

  Niles : Not at the moment, no.

  Frasier : Why not?

  Daphne : It's down my blouse.

  Frasier : I see. Well, I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it there.

• Martin : Hey, Niles. What brings you by?

  Niles : Maris's birthday, I'm hiding her present here.

  Martin : Oh, it's getting that time of year, is it? Well, I guess I'm gonna have to get her something. It's too bad, I just got back from the hardware store. Saw a great-looking ratchet set.

  Frasier : [sotto]  As if there's anything left on her that needs tightening.

• Frasier : [at the furniture store]  I can't imagine anyone would have something like that in their living room.

  Niles : It looks like someone upholstered it in golf pants.

• Frasier : Can't do the show without Dr. Armstrong, he's too important to the plot. I know, that's the part I played.

  Mrs. Warren : You played Dr. Armstrong?

  Frasier : Well yes... oh no no no no

  Mrs. Warren : How badly do you want your chair?

  Frasier : I'm sorry, its out of the question.

  Mrs. Warren : No, it would be a real shame if something happened to this chair.

  [rips off a strip of duct tape pulling out some of the stuffing] 

  Frasier : But it's been years. I hardly can remember any of the lines.

  Mrs. Warren : Then you'll fit right in.

• Martin : I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.

  Frasier : How about Florida?

  Martin : I heard that.

• Frasier : God, when you think about all the care I put into decorating my home, only to have it mocked by this atrocity.

  Niles : The bottom line is, it is your home. Why don't you just make him get rid of it?

  Frasier : Well, it's not that simple, you know? Dad does have his feelings, and he does have quite an attachment to this little chair...

  Niles : You're afraid to stand up to him, aren't you?

  Frasier : Oh, like you're not!

  Niles : Well, at least I don't have to live with something unattractive.

  [Frasier shoots him a look. Niles gapes in outrage] 

  Frasier : Oh, Niles, I'm just having some fun with you. I happen to think Maris is rather attractive, in a... a minimalist sort of way.

• Mrs. Warren : In forty-five minutes the curtain goes up on a very shaky production of "Ten Little Indians."

  Frasier : Oh, "Ten Little Indians." I thought I recognized the mise en scene. I did this play years ago.

  [British accent] 

  Frasier : "On the contrary, Major. Many a psychotic killer would appear to be quite normal. You see, you can never suspect that underneath that calm exterior there lies the heart of a maniac, ah-ha-ha."

  [normal voice] 

  Frasier : Happens to be true, by the way.

• Frasier : Leo, find the chair.

  Leo : Get the chair, take the chair, leave the chair, bring the chair, what am I, the building lackey?

  Frasier : Yes!

  Leo : Oh... yeah.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [to Leo]  Quickly, quickly, I'm sure Beevis is wondering where you are.

• Frasier : Excuse me, perhaps you could help us here.

  Salesman : [not stopping]  Yeah, perhaps.

  Frasier : Well, we're looking for a chair.

  Salesman : [still not stopping]  We got 'em.

  Frasier : Wait, wait-wait-wait!

  [the salesman stops] 

  Niles : Ideally, we're looking for something with the presence of a Mies van der Rohe and the playful insouciance of an early Le Corbusier.

  Salesman : [pointing to chair at random]  This one vibrates.

• Frasier : So Roz, any update on the chair?

  Roz Doyle : Oh yeah, the calls have been pouring in.

  Frasier : Really? And what are they?

  Roz Doyle : Well, so far it's been spotted at the top of the Space Needle, in the Governor's Mansion, and a man on Lake Stevens said he saw it flying over his house, but he thought it was just a spaceship from a tacky planet.

• Roz Doyle : Hey, Fraze! How was your weekend?

  Frasier : Hellish.

  Roz Doyle : Great! Now let me tell you what happened to me!

• Frasier : [to idiotic maintenance man]  Quickly, quickly! I'm sure Beavis will start to wonder where you are.

• Mrs. Warren : Sir? You can have your chair back in two weeks.

  Frasier : Yes, you don't understand, I'm in a very difficult position here.

  Mrs. Warren : DIFFICULT? You want difficult? I have a set that's falling apart, a leading man whose voice changed at precisely three o'clock this afternoon, AND MY NAME IS SPELLED WRONG IN THE PROGRAM!