Frasier (TV Series)

Travels with Martin (1994)

John Mahoney: Martin Crane

Quotes 

• Niles : I'm sorry Frasier, I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name he would ever want to do something like this! All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Lite cans. This is my final word. I'm not going.

  Martin : Hey, great news! Daphne's coming, too!

  Niles : And so am I!

• Frasier : So how long you figure it'll take us to get to Yellowstone?

  Martin : Well if we drive all night, we'll be there in the morning.

  Frasier : Oh, it'll be a nice surprise for the two of them whey they wake up in the morning.

  Martin : I got a better surprise than that. Let's tell Daphne we're in Mexico.

  [they both laugh] 

• Daphne : Where did Mrs. Crane go, anyway?

  Niles : She's making her annual pilgrimage to the holy land.

  Martin : I thought she was going to Dallas to visit her sister.

  Niles : That is her holy land. It's the site of the first Neiman Marcus.

• Martin : [to lady]  Excuse me! Would you take our picture, please? Niles, Frasier, come on up here! Okay, everybody, alright, here we go! Everybody ready? Now, what should we do?

  Frasier : Well, how about this?

  [Frasier puts his hands up and opens his mouth wide as if he's scared of the bear] 

  Martin : Yeah! That's great, I like that! Okay, everybody! Eddie?

  Marvella : Now, before I take it, you know it's ten dollars Canadian.

  Frasier : Oh, for a treasured memory like this, what's money?

  [Everyone puts on their "scared" faces] 

  Marvella : Okay, one...

  Daphne : [whispering]  Why would she want Canadian dollars?

  Marvella : Two...

  Martin : Because we're in Canada.

  Marvella : Three!

  [Daphne screams in horror as Marvella takes the picture. Everybody looks at her as she steps forward off the photo platform] 

  Daphne : We're in Canada?

  Martin : Yeah, we crossed the border a while ago, when you were taking a nap.

  Daphne : But we can't be in Canada! I'm not allowed to leave the United States!

  Frasier : Why?

  Daphne : Because I don't have my green card yet! Oh, this is just perfect! Three months until my final interview, the one thing they told me not to do was to leave the country! And what do you do? Wait until the first time I fall asleep and drag me across the bleeding border! They're never going to let me back in!

  Niles : They have to take you back, it's not your fault.

  [Niles goes to comfort her] 

  Frasier : [to Martin]  This wouldn't have happened if you weren't so hell-bent on getting so many miles under your belt today!

  Martin : Well, you're the one who had to go where the wind blows!

• [after using the Winnebago's bathroom] 

  Niles : Dear God, it's like being sealed upright in a Formica coffin!

  Martin : Remember the old days, Niles?

  [to Daphne] 

  Martin : When they were kids, all they had in the back seat was a mayonnaise jar!

  Frasier : Yes, it took quite a bit of skill to use it successfully at seventy miles per hour! Never really been fond of mayonnaise since.

  Niles : Or speed bumps.

• Martin : You know, Fras, I gotta admit it. Sometimes when we're alone together, I just don't know what to say. I'm sure you figured out that's why I invited Daphne along.

  Frasier : Well, I had my suspicions, but I'd hoped I was wrong...

  Martin : Oh, come on, that's why you invited Niles along.

  Frasier : [re: Daphne]  Well, that's why I invited him, but that's not why he came.

  [they laugh] 

• Guard : [to Daphne]  Miss, you've been very quiet. Is there something I should know here?

  [Daphne shrugs her shoulders, then smiles and laughs without saying anything] 

  Guard : You seem awfully nervous. May I have your name, please?

  [Daphne freezes with embarrassment, then slowly turns to Martin for help] 

  Martin : Oh, alright. I guess I should have known better than to try something like this

  Niles : [standing up]  Dad, don't!

  Frasier : It was just a mistake!

  Guard : [to Niles and Frasier]  You men just want to back off?

  [to Martin] 

  Guard : What is it you want to say, sir?

  Martin : We were trying to put one over on you. Eddie?

  [Eddie jumps into Martin's lap] 

  Martin : We don't have a rabies certificate for the dog.

  Guard : I knew something was going on here.

  Martin : Yeah well you see, we weren't planning on coming to Canada and then when we got to the border we forgot about him.

  Niles : Yes and I for one didn't even know you needed one.

  Frasier : Yes, but ignorance of the law is no excuse, so you can just take the little dog and we'll be on our way!

  Martin : Uh look, if you're worried that we picked him up here, we didn't,

  [takes out wallet] 

  Martin : see here's a picture of him at the Seattle Space Needle.

  Guard : I see you got a badge there.

  Martin : [flips wallet over, eyes bug out]  Oh! Yeah...

  Guard : You a policeman?

  Martin : Retired, 30 years on the Seattle police force, me of all people should know better, right?

  Guard : Next time remember the rabies certificate.

  [leaves] 

• Daphne : [blows a duck call to break up the men's arguing]  It doesn't matter who's to blame. I am STUCK here!

  Niles : I'm sure if we just took you to the consulate and you explained the situation, they'd be understanding.

  Martin : Oh grow up, Niles, she doesn't have a chance, they'll throw the book at her. There's only one thing to do, we'll sneak her back across the border.

  Niles : We can't do that, that's smuggling!

  Martin : [sarcastically]  Oh thanks, Niles, I knew it was something bad guys did, I just didn't remember what it was called.

• Martin : I've always wanted to have my picture taken with a live bear.

  Frasier : [dryly]  Well, some dreams cannot be denied.