- Maxwell Smart: [Max has been forced to take a vacation] Ok Chief, Ok. But just remember this: you'll be left all alone without my experience and know-how. You'll be making hundreds of decisions without my advice.
- Chief: And loving it.
- Airport Policeman: Pardon, monsieur, are you perhaps an American tourist?
- Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Tremendous guess!
- Airport Policeman: Well, you are dressed a little strangely. After all, the eh, temperature here is 101 degrees.
- Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Oh really? Well I find it quite chilly.
- Airport Policeman: I find that hard to believe, monsieur.
- Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Would you believe comfortably cool?
- Airport Policeman: I don't think so.
- Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: How do the words "heat prostration" grab ya?
- Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: What am I going to get in your dressing room that I can't get here?
- Agent 99: Me.
- Maxwell Smart: Well if there's anything I don't need at this time Chief, it's a respite. I personally want to avenge the death of my very good and dear friend doctor... whathisname.
- Maxwell Smart: [impersonating Humphrey Bogart] Look, buster, you know what's gonna happen if Sophia sees me talking to you? He's gonna slap my teeth out, then kick me in the stomach for mumbling. Now get lost.
- Maxwell Smart: Play it again, Sam.
- Pianist: My name ain't Sam.
- Maxwell Smart: Don't confuse me, I'm new in Casablanca.
- # 99: What are you looking for?
- Maxwell Smart: Well, I could say the Maltese Falcon, but you'd never believe me.
- Chief: This false neck is an ingenious device, Max. Who made it for you?
- Maxwell Smart: The ingenious device department, Chief.
- Maxwell Smart: 13, what did you see?
- Agent 13: [hiding in a locker chewing a sandwich and drinking milk] Nothing, I'm on my lunch break.
- Maxwell Smart: A man has just been murdered, doesn't that mean anything to you?
- Agent 13: Not from twelve to one.
- Maxwell Smart: Listen, 13, if you don't straigten up and fly right, I'm gonna see to it that on your next assignment you're put inside of an incenerator.
- Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Doctor. Don't move a muscle.
- Dr. Pliny: Why not?
- Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: That's a fountain pen you're holding.
- Dr. Pliny: You security men don't miss a thing, do you?
- Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: All public buildings are supplied with ballpoint pens, not fountain pens. It takes a trained eye like mine to detect a thing like this. One tap of this point and you could have been blown to bits. Now watch carefully while I remove the detonator.
- [He starts to take the pen apart]
- Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Now, do you know what we're going to find in this rubber tube?
- [Ink drips out of the tube onto the documents on the desk]
- Dr. Pliny: [who's unimpressed by 86's deductions] Ink?
- Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Right. We'd better get out of here fast, because that ink might activate the paper.